Feeling lost and alone

[Lillyiris]

Hi I’m new to mumsnet but looking for a little advice please, please bear with as this could be a long post,
AIBU? My DH has had several medical problems over the 18 years of marriage and I have dropped everything to support him, I have always been there for him and helped in every way a wife should all while holding down a prominent career and always putting myself last. I literally do everything for him I work full time long hours and still come home and switch to wife cooking cleaning taking care of my kids ages 16-18. Iv always felt like I don’t matter and just carry on doing the day to day, however this weekend I collapsed and had to call an ambulance, my DH was adamant I didn’t need a ambulance even tho I was withering in pain, the pain was something Iv never felt before I couldn’t control it, anyway ambulance took me to hospital DH stayed at home not once did he message to see how I was my oldest DD who is married and has her own house came to hospital with me and stayed with me the duration, I was pumped full of morphine to ease my pain along with anti sickness meds and they found I have severe damage to my stomach, hence the pain, I was allowed to come home on conditions there is someone at home and I am awaiting a camera down the pain I am experiencing is something else it takes my breath, DH picked me up from hospital and dropped me off at home literally at the door and proceeded to go out he left me at home, when he came back not once did he check on me or even offer me a glass of water, none of them did, I had to go back in to me mode and take care of myself I just feel so lost and feel like I don’t matter, it’s like I am a robot he even asked me to do the shopping today even tho I am in physical distress and he can see that! Do I really not matter? I feel I am at my wits end 18 years I have supported him and I can’t even get a glass of water when I am unwell and I being unreasonable I just don’t know what to do I feel like packing a bag and disappearing . Any advice would be welcomed
thank you for reading

I’m so sorry. When you are better, make plans for a new life. Feeling lonely in a relationship is soul destroying.

Thank you strawberries I feel so lost I don’t even know who I am anymore and I am so scared of what the future holds I’m not sure I know how to be anyone else other than the shell I am now

This sounds like your husband has a slave not an equal partner.
If he can't take care of you at a time of absolute need (particularly when the conditio of your discharge from hospital was that he would be there) then I would genuinely look at leaving. Can you imagine living the rest of your life that way?

My therapist would say to me
Read what you have just written and what advice would you give to someone else? Now try ad hear that advice and that compassion to yourself.

I left my H a couple of years ago a total shell. I am now at a point where my kids are starting to thrive and I am starting to find out who I am. I probably should change my user name really!

I have tried to previously to talk to him and tell him how I feel and he always turns it on me. He tells me I mean everything to him but I feel that means something totally different to him than it does to me I would walk on hot coals for him but he just doesn’t it.

You poor thing @Lillyiris , what a horrible thing to go through . What an eye opener.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Leave that prince among men to look after himself while you recover. And when you do feel up to it you can take small steps towards looking into what you need to do to start again without him, if that's what you choose to do.

It's times like this people show you who they are. My then husband was similar, I had always looked after him when he'd been ill but when I was ill you'd have thought I was doing it deliberately to annoy him. I stopped looking after him after that, only doing the bare necessities.

I think you're as well not sharing your thoughts and feelings with your husband, it makes no difference to his behaviour towards you apart from giving him more to work against you with.

I'm sorry you're going through this

Im sorry you are so unwell.

Give DH and your DC very clear instructions on what you need right now. Please fetch me...

Concentrate on getting better. Do not do anything at all other than rest.

Deal with his shit when you are stronger.

This is so incredibly sad and I couldn't imagine living like this.

Concentrate on getting yourself better first then think really hard about what you want for yourself.

I hope you feel better soon

Could you go and stay with your daughter while you recover and take steps to divorce? He doesn't love you or even care about you - he wants a servant not a wife. Break free because you deserve so much better than this.

Your 16 and 18 year olds can step up to the plate too. They are young adults not toddlers.

I'm so sorry your family have totally taken you for granted and have shown how little they care about you.

Deep down iv known for a long time what I need to do but im just so scared, my kids are closer to him as he treats them like friends rather than a parent. They are old enough to make there own decisions and im always seen as the bad guy no one cooks or cleans I have to beg anyone to help with the dishes but as soon as anyone needs anything they look for me. I know i am not appreciated and haven’t been for a long time I am just disposable everyone just uses me for there own gain

Also to add I lost my father in December and since then I have been on auto pilot not looking after myself just taking each day as it comes and ploughing on and I know this is why I collapsed I have had several warning signs with my health that I just pushed aside but this has been a huge wake up call