So I have a complicated family relationship.
My mum died when I was very young, and all I've known is my stepmother. I have 2 half siblings, a brother 6 years younger and a sister 14 years younger (she's 30 now).
My stepmother was not a good mother to any of us - DB was/is the golden child. My sister and I had very separate relationships because of timing, but similarly abused by a narc alcoholic.
I had a few dramatic arguments as a young adult and a few periods of no contact, but the fact SM controlled all access to the rest of the family (including sister and dying grandparents) always meant I got drawn back in. DSis was in denial about how awful SM was for a long time (as most kids/teenagers are)
We grew up - I moved away, had LOTS of therapy, 2 kids, and now manage my relationship with my parents by being very low contact - couple of visits max a year, with my teenage kids (to whom she is doting and generous grandmother) and text/phone call every couple of months. She is still narc alkie, but behaves with me since I set boundaries ten+ years ago and told her she doesn't get to submit my kids to the abuse she gave me (and I leave events early before she is too drunk to be on good behaviour). It's not a relationship - I don't like her, but it's more manageable FOR ME than having a huge argument and refusing to ever see her, which I know would result in drama and her involving everyone else in her guilt tripping of me.
My sister is still in therapy, and still messed up about her. She is currently no contact and has been for a couple of years since a huge argument where SM cancelled a long standing commitment to dog sit for a day the day before (Dsis has no kids, one pampered dog) because DB's kids (as golden child as he is) wanted to go and play at her house. I've supported her in that decision. And continue to support her in her regular calls to me to complain about something SM has done - sending her messages, talking to mutual friends about her. Her no contact results in her thinking far more about the relationship than my low contact does. But how she deals with her Mum is up to her, and I've always been clear that I will support her decisions - I do not speak to SM about her (I barely speak to SM) and she has asked me not to speak to her about SM (except she then calls to rant about her to me). Outside of that we have a recovering relationship - we are both still quite bad at relationships, but we talk regularly and text and see each other every couple of months. It's nice.
Last weekend was one of my visits to see SM and family, for "the birthdays" (me, my kids and dad all have birthdays within 2 weeks of each other). DSis knew we were going and we had talked about it being a duty visit and how SM had assumed we were staying when I had agreed to afternoon tea, and how I had shut that down. DSis was invited (but ignored the invitation and ranted to me about why SM doesn't get the message)
We went, it was tortuous but kids and I played with small cousins and their new puppy. I was polite, but guarded, for 5 hours and then we left.
And when we got home, I got a drunken video call from DSis, staggering home from pub with her (lovely husband) accusing me of "normalising Mums behaviour" and asking how I could do that. She rang off and called back 3 times, each more incoherent than last and then half an hour later sent a message
"Yet another person that normalises her behaviour."
I replied
"I’m not going to have this discussion with you tonight.
I cope with her in my way. I’m not going to feel guilty about that"
And that's it. Nothing since.
I get that she's upset. But I don't think she has a right to dictate how I handle my difficult relationships.
Which one of us is being unreasonable. And how do I fix this - because I want to fix it, because I love her, but I'm not going to do that by having huge dramatic blow up with SM. But I also don't want to do my normal thing when relationships are less than perfect and just wall away (because I love her). And I do think I've had 14 more years of wisdom and distance from the toxicity of our mother so am maybe in a better place than her, so it's on me to fix even if it's not my fault because I have more capacity to do that.