Partner mentally checked out.

[scotsmum2015]

I have been with my partner for almost 8 years. He has undiagnosed PTSD ( I think). 3 years ago he had a psychotic episode, ran away thinking people were after him. After a short stay in hospital he was discharged on anti psychotic medication. He has been very gradually weaned off of this over last 18 months and is on a very low dose now. The problem is he seems completely switched off mentally. I’ve tried to get him to talk and have what we had before but he just tells me what he should do and carries on the way he is. Tbh he’s never been a big talker but he used to be affectionate, talked to friends on the phone and showed interest in things. He only seems interested in eating, sleeping and watching our dogs play now. Last year he had a gambling relapse and now goes to GA but I don’t think he’s really engaging in that either.
I’ve become increasingly unhappy in the relationship and Saturday was a final straw moment.
he collected me from work and told me big football game on so in a rush. I told him I’d nip into Asda quickly to get stuff for dinner and he could watch it on phone. When we arrived back he rushed in and put it on big screen. I put all shopping away, did the large pile of dishes in sink, tidied up his mess, brought washing down from bathroom then realising he’d done absolutely nothing despite being off for 2 days I sat the iron hoard in front of him with HIS stuff and told him he could do his own stuff while watching seeing as he’d done nothing all day. He muttered something and ignored it and I could feel my frustrations mounting. I noticed he was sending messages while watching so when he went up to have a bath later I had a quick peek and found he’d messaged a woman he used to go out with 20 plus years ago last august. Don’t know who he was messaging during the game. Probably a friend. He’s been no contact with her since they split but somehow thought it was a good idea to get in contact last august ? She hadn’t replied. We have had a blazing row and I’ve suggested it isn’t working. I’m wary with his health and don’t want to push him into another episode. From a selfish point I also don’t know how I’d suddenly manage to pay everything myself. I’d need to find a new job too as he picks me up as I finish around 0100 some nights . It’s mostly unsocial hours I do. I have a good job and I wouldn’t get as good a pay easily. He says it wasn’t anything, he had no intention of cheating. But to me there had to be a reason to reach out to a lover from the past after so long. He doesn’t want to split but I don’t know how to fix things. He just seems uninterested in me/us, is not the same person.
my head is whirring and I honestly don’t know what to do for the best.

FFS, just leave. He’s using you to clean etc. Don’t let him blackmail you with his MH, get out and have a lovely life, not this,

Unfortunately women who can't afford to run their own households have to settle for men like this. It's sad I know, having to accept such low quality males, but I don't really see what your options are.

Could you live in a flat share with another female? Even that would be preferable.

You are just his main carer and after 8 years, he’s looking to switch to a previous carer. That’s why he’s switched off and messaging her, in his head, life was much easier with her.
If he gets back with her, in 8 or so years, it will be her being the housekeeper, food shopper etc and he will be mentally switched off, messaging you. Rinse and repeat.
WTF are you doing with him!! You would be better off going to university and getting the qualifications to be a nurse! At least you would go home after your shift and please yourself.

What the hell kind of response is that?

OP you need to start thinking about how you would be able to support yourself, because this relationship is going to bring you nothing but misery.

It's absolutely possible but you need a plan. Do you have family or friends you can talk to?

You do know what you need to do for the best op!

It is sad and disappointing after eight years. I’m sorry 💐

There’s always a choice; you can downsize.

Don’t lose your job! You could try approaching a local taxi firm
asking for a regular driver to pick you up from work in the early hrs, someone trustworthy who lives near you.

Eight years is a long time but please be brave op and don’t settle.

This man has a gambling problem, is not communicative, makes no effort in your relationship, has poor mental health that he won’t open up about, is happy to sit around watching football while you do all of the housework, and you now have trust issues with him messaging other women? Would you be happy if a friend or relation were to have a relationship with someone like this? He’s not exactly catch of the month!

You’ve tried talking to him and he is making no effort to change. He won’t even listen to you! I think you have reached the end of the road.

He has checked out op and you deserve so much better. It’s awful that he has PTSD but he is receiving help for it and that still hasn’t made any difference to your relationship, in fact, things are worse!

You sound like such a good person to be concerned about his mh but ultimately that is his responsibility, not yours. He has to make changes himself. Does poor mh give him a get out card for everything forever more?

And what about his love and commitment to you? Look at what his actions are saying?

Also, you have been with him and supported him for eight years and his mh isn’t improving. What is going to change in the next few years realistically?

You can’t change how people behave op, however much you want them to . You can only change your response to their behaviour.

Get your ducks in a row, draw on support from family and friends, research somewhere to live, get the mortgage or rental documents, wage certificates, savings info and make your escape. And inform your cc company and bank that you are no longer connected to this man, as being involved with a gambler can adversely affect your credit score.

It will be hard at first but then you will start to enjoy living life on your own terms.

Good luck 💐

By the sounds of it there isn't anything to fix as such, hes checked out and whilst grappling with mental illness is challenging and it sounds like over the years he has accessed support; it doesnt mean he should be treating you like this. I can't imagine this relationship adds anything positive to your life besides some financial stability- but at what cost? Id start looking at jobs and using some of the benfit calculators to see what support you could get.

Thanks for the replies. I have received a message from him this morning saying he has never felt so bad and is sorry for what he has done. I honestly think he is unwell. The selfish lazy stuff has escalated last 6 months. I’ve told him he seeks help and starts opening up or it’s done. The first few years he was so caring and invested in us. He started to change very suddenly. I will not be sticking around much longer if this is it. I’m going to sit and figure out how I pay for things myself and reimburse him for his share in this place. He has paid everything he has into this place. We both have. It’s messy and I’m a bit frightened I lose everything or he falls apart. There’s also 2 dogs to think of. We pay a lot as one is frequently unwell. He loves them, as I do. I was on my own bringing up my daughter for years before we got together. I can’t believe I’ve landed myself in codependency.

At least you recognise you’re codependent, that’s the first step towards getting your ducks in a row, freeing yourself from the vortex of his needs and living life for you. It’s not going to get better, the promises are to keep you hopeful and catering to him.