Lately, my 8-year-old DS has been coming home from MIL's upset. Some context, I am estranged from abusive ex and MIL has consistently failed to hold him to account. I have had to get SS involved several times as, of course, DS wants to visit his father and I would never stop my children from visiting their father. However, when DS has been over his father's, he has told me some frankly shocking things that terrify him. For example, his father told him that he's got knives buried in the back garden. Just one example. He has also physically assaulted DS, including strangling him, etc. I have stopped him visiting his father but am bearing the brunt of it because of course he misses his dad, even after all the abuse, and wants to spend time with him. I am now on the receiving end of shouting from DS because he says I am stopping him from visiting his father, what am I supposed to do! He's always been a lousy dad. Several occasions he has been promised to be picked up by dad after school, go swimming, etc., and I can count dozens of times he's been let down, waiting, sitting outside on the wall, waiting to be picked up, waiting for over an hour, before I tell him I don't think he's coming. It's really crushing my heart. Also, DS is ADHD and autistic. I should add, SS have no interest and just tell me to stop him from going over his dad's. It's like no one cares and I'm getting the worst of it.
MIL is married to ex's step father (ex never knew who his dad was, MIL won't tell him for one reason or another). Ex has 2 half siblings whose dad is ex's stepdad.
MIL does look after DS very well, picks him up from school, takes him out, etc., but that's where her grandmotherly qualities end. He goes over MIL's twice a week, and I really appreciate it because it allows me to work full time twice a week, plus I want him to have a relationship with his gran.
DS has told me a couple times that when he goes over MIL's, MIL's husband (grandpa, as he's learned to call him) will completely ignore him, doesn't pay any attention to him, makes him feel awkward when he walks into the room. I thought MIL's husband was weird/strange when I met him way before DS came along anyway, and the spouses of ex's half siblings agreed. I have sorted of brushed it under the rug until now. I have spoken to MIL about it but surprise, surprise, she refuses to acknowledge it. After giving birth to DS, one of ex's half siblings had a kid, 2 years younger, and the other sibling had another one shortly after.
MIL's husband is completely ignoring DS, doesn't even say hello to him. Meanwhile, he treats his 2 "true" grandchildren with admiration and love. Now, I can understand that DS is perhaps not this man's blood grandson (I can't really understand it because I would treat any stepchildren or step grandchildren as my own), but to blatantly ignore DS, make him feel awkward when he comes into rooms and pay attention to his cousins but pretend like DS isn't there, is really making my blood boil. It's pointless speaking to MIL about it.
DS is actually frightened of this man. He literally has not acknowledged him once in the 8 years he's been on this planet.
Just for further context, ex and his siblings all grew up together. It's not like this is a man she's married recently, they've been married 40+ years.
Yet, when DS was, for example, enjoying himself and having fun out the back garden, he and his cousins were playing tag, MIL's husband came out and told him to stop squealing like a little girl. Almost like the only ever response he's had from this strange man who otherwise has never interacted with him and refuses to do so, is to criticise and belittle an 8-year-old boy who hasn't done anything wrong.
I'm not just speaking from personal opinion, but DS is consistently telling me he's uncomfortable around this man, which I can understand. He hasn't spoken to him once in 8 years and showers his cousins with affection. It's like having a strange man in your house.
AIBU if I stop him going over there? It's not his fault and he's done nothing wrong, he shouldn't be treated with such contempt. Like I said, I could possibly understand that he's not his grandchild, but to actively single him out is cruel and nasty. None of my ex's family dare speak up about it.