I know I should be more mature about this but……,

[DDFriendshipissue]

We moved to this new area 2 years ago and DD started a new school. I went out of my way to invite people over and help her settle but it was pointless as most of the kids had made friends already. It was clear they didn’t have the intention of including my DD. One of the girls in DD class turned out to be our new neighbour 2 doors down. I made the effort to invite her mum for tea etc. but she always made an excuse. I left it in the end. The neighbours child let’s call her Suzie constantly told my daughter she has lots of friends in the neighbourhood and the kids play together but my DD is not welcome! They were only year 4 at the time so I didn’t think much of it. I asked the mum if she could introduce us to some of the parents so DD can get to know the kids but she told me again she’s very busy. and will let me know when she has time.

I was not well mentally as I had a miscarriage at the time of moving in so I know I should have made more effort with the neighbours but I would say hi every time I saw someone so I suppose I did make effort. No one came to introduce themselves either so I just left it. We had a big moving van but not one person welcomed us. DH said that was normal in London.

Come a few weeks ago I started chatting to this really lovely woman and we hit it off and I invited her over. Her DD (Katy - not real name) and mine got on so well and started playing together everyday after school. Suzie heard the laughing in the garden and has started playing with them too. Bear in mind she doesn’t even talk to my DD in school, my DD has on many times tried to join in to their games in school but has been told to go away. They are in year 6 now. Suzie keeps telling my daughter that Katy is her friend and she’s known her all her life.

The kids were playing together in the garden and the mum if Suzie turns up too telling me it’s so lovely they playing together as if nothing has happened!

I know I sound immature and I can’t explain my feeling but I feel upset about this. I’m glad my DD has friends now but she is still being ignored in her school by the girl. Katy goes to a different school. Please help me put this in perspective and help me understand what I’m feeling right now,

If I hadn’t bumped into katy’s mum and invited her over my DD would not have had any friends in the neighbourhood. I know it’s not their responsibility and in London things don’t work like this but Suzie mum could have asked her to knock on our door when she in the past played with the neighbours kids and introduced my DD.

Yanbu. Susie and her mother sound about as nice as each other.

I think if it was me I probably wouldn't be able to help myself. Next time Suzie's mum was about I'd probably make some comment about pleased you were that your dd had met Katy as you felt it was important to reach out and make an effort to welcome people when they move in, and when you first moved it was tough going, and she wasn't made to feel welcome. And how it's a shame her and Suzie don't seem to play together at school.

@User27563 Suzie just turned up to our garden and didn’t even ask if it was okay. Bear in mind they are 10 not toddlers. I told her to let her mum know and her response was she’s always in the neighbours gardens so her mum knows. The mum just acted like everything was fine. It just hurts me all the times DD sat alone at home wanting friends. She’s an only child so had no siblings either. But DD seemed so happy and for past 3 weeks has had such a big smile on her face so I don’t want to wreck anything for her. but just feel annoyed at that mum and her daughter for not welcoming either of us and only now paying attention to us once we have gotten to know other neighbours.

If your DD is happy with a big smile on her face, then sit back, relax and enjoy it. Life brings us quite enough to worry about without dwelling on things that no longer appear to be a problem.

You’re projecting how you feel onto your daughter. You said none of the neighbours came round to welcome you despite there being a big moving van. Why couldn’t you go around and welcome yourself to your new neighbours? Also expecting the other mum to come for tea and the introduce to the other parents is ridiculous. I wouldnt have said yes to this. I’m polite and friendly to my neighbours but have no interest in being friends or going round for tea.

OP, I can understand your annoyance.suzie and her mother have excluded you for two years but are happy to elbow in when your daughter has made a fridnd with Katy.

I would feel the same.
I would make sure that Katy and your daughter get time together.
Suzie doesn't get to use your home when for two years she has been unkind to your daughter in school.

That unkindness is still there.
Watch her.
Her and her mother don't get to decide your home is convenient now.
You can suit yourself too.

@Duvetsse thank you for understanding. Yes that’s true they don’t get to use my home but I know I will continue letting them as I’m too soft. She just comes into my home doesn’t even ask. But as a poster said I should be happy that my daughter is now happy. It still really stings though,

I feel bad for my DD that I haven’t been able to give her a sibling. I really want her to have good friends and live a happy life and not be lonely. It really hurts me in the past when I’ve seen her face when Suzie and all her friends knocked on the door for trick or treating. My DD asked her at the time if she could come with them and was told no

It's great that your dd now has a enw friend. I would focus on. That. Sure let the neighbour chd join in sometimes, but not every time. Make sure you engineer plenty of time with Katie and your DD alone so that they get to know each other in an environment where your daughter isn't reminded of the negative past interactions.

Suzie and her mum both sounds like arseholes. I would not be encouraging or even letting the girl come over to your garden. She’s clearly not her friend and she will drop her like a hot potato given the opportunity. One thing to remember is that next year they all go to secondary where the playground is much bigger and they will be exposed to many more children and opportunities to make friends. Your daughter will get there, just continue to support her and create opportunities for her to meet other girls. Clubs outside of school are helpful too.

I would have send her home

Suzie is learning how to be a cow from her mum.

I would avoid getting worked up, but continue to only make the effort with Katie and her mum. So possibly invite Katie out somewhere, arrange play dates with Katie.

Suzie joins in. When they are in your garden, well it’s not the end of the world.

However if Suzie’s mum ever tries to claim you are leaving Suzie out or should be inviting Suzie in, then ‘Oh no, you made it clear you were too busy the first few times I offered. We’ve moved on now.’.

You don’t know, of course, whether suzies mum has been dealing with something all consuming herself that made her want to stick to old friends at the time.

I would feel the same as you OP. My DD is younger than yours and idolises our neighbour's DD and neighbours are lovely but their DD doesn't play with ours at school which I find it difficult as I know our DD finds it hard to make friends but then wants to play at our house all the time.

I too would be sending the cheeky little madam home. How dare she just come in without asking, the least she should do, is knock the door and say 'is it OK if I come and play with DD?' This would give you the opportunity to say 'No, sorry love, but she's busy doing something else at the moment', OR 'No, sorry love, she's playing with Katy today', then just shut the door.

I'm shocked that you just allow her to walk right in, I would NEVER do that! Next time she comes round, and just walks through to your garden, go out and ask her what she's doing there. When she says she's come to play, tell her that she needs to knock on the door and ask permission before she comes into your house or garden. At that point she should expect an apology, but if it's not forthcoming, say 'Haven't you got something to say to me Suzie?' and make her ask. The fact is, that if she comes into your house or garden without you knowing she's there, she could steal something, or do some damage, and you might end up blaming your own child. So from here on in OP, I'd make it a rule, and tell your DD that if she wants friends to come in, then she or they, must ask first, as it's simply good manners.

@DDFriendshipissue
Hi - I don't have any suggestions other than what other PPs have said, and I don't think you are being unreasonable or immature whatsoever.
When your child hurts, you hurt.
If I could go back in time to when my kids were young, I would try to develop a very thick skin!
But the first thing that I noticed from your thread was that you had a miscarriage at the time of moving in 2 years ago.
But despite this, you beat yourself up for not making more effort with your neighbours!
Whatever happens going forward with your daughter vis-a-vis Suzie or any other friendships, (and your friendships too!), be kind to yourself because you deserve it, and your DD will know that you have her back!

Sounds like you've been really unlucky and stumbled across some awful cliquey people...it's not you, it's them. Some parents really haven't evolved beyond the school playground themselves and they pass it onto their kids. Focus on other people and maybe put your DD in some after school activities...guides was great for making friends for my DD.

How can Suzie walk into your house?
Lock the door and gate.
You need to stop that.
Get a video bell and ignore it.

OP, next year will be secondary?
Make yours the pizza/hang out/ movie house when your daughter makes friends.
Have the girls over for sleepovers and encourage relationships.

Suzie would not be included in this.
2 years of being a nasty would mean she cannot insert herself now.

Encourage Katy to spend time in the house with your daughter and simply don't answer the door or tell Suzie they are busy.

No way would I be allowing her in my house after two years of that exclusionary behaviour.

I would not be forgiving in these circumstances.

Have you considered a kitten for your daughter?
Great fun and company and girls just love playing with them.
A pet is a wonderful addition to a family with an only child if it works with your lifestyle.

My children adore the pets of their friends.
Unfortunately we are away a lot and I know that sorting out a pet would be left 100% to me so I have said no to one here.