Is there a reasonable way of telling family member not to come to my wedding?!

[bathshe]

My cousin has struggled a lot with mental health, and I have supported her a lot over this for many years. My wedding is two weeks away, and she just texted me to say she is still unsure whether she and her partner will come because she is going through a difficult time. The partner will only come if she does. Is there a polite way of saying to her that it's fine not to come? It's not a big wedding and two people no-showing at the last minute will mess up table plans. The food is about fifty pounds a head and I need to confirm numbers with the caterer. I also just really really want to enjoy my wedding in an uncomplicated way - for various reasons I've been through a lot over the last few years. If cousin is upset at the wedding, I know she will cry on my mother and sister for most of the day (and possibly also me) and I really want them to enjoy it. I would genuinely love her to be there, but I'd also much rather just decide now that she isn't coming. We all support my cousin a lot the rest of the time.
I suppose YANBU is it's ok to tell her to skip plus here is a "polite way of telling her no"! and YABU is "let it play out and she'll come if she can".

'I'm sorry to hear that, I completely understand. Whilst we'd love to have you there, you definitely need to put yourself first, I don't want to put any pressure on you. Would it be possible for you to let me know what you decide by X, as I have to confirm final numbers with the caterer by then? Hope you are enjoying the bank holiday weekend'

She's your cousin and she's struggling. Let her deal with things at her own pace. You should be more concerned about her health than your table plans

Offer to “take the pressure off” her and take her off the list for the full day. Suggest that if she’s having a good day, come after dinner (assuming you’re having an evening reception). That gets your answer, while phrasing it in a way that makes it slightly more about suiting her needs.

Assuming you just dont want the drama
I'd say something like

Thanks for letting me know. I completely understand that things are hard right now. Please focus on yourself and feeling better — I’ll take this as you not being able to make the wedding, as I have to finalise numbers in the next couple of days. I’ll miss having you there, but your wellbeing comes first and I totally support your decision. Sending lots of love, and we’ll catch up properly another time.

I'm so sorry you're struggling but we do need to know final numbers for catering - while we'd really love to see you there, we do completely understand if you cannot guarantee that you can make it. We don't want to give you any more stress, and I'd love to catch up with you once you're feeling able though. Take care.

This - and/or suggest meeting up with her and her partner for lunch/tea/a drink when you are back from honeymoon

Why don't you give her a ring and say you totally understand and that you're going to take the pressure off by assuming she won't come, and will confirm as much with the caterers. But when she's feeling up to it, you'd love to organise a special meal with you, your husband, her and her partner with lots of champagne, and you can spend time together without lots of people, and pressure, and have quality time together

The OP is allowed to consider herself on her wedding day.

Perfect.

‘Hi cousin, sorry you are having a bad time , it must be hard. Look, I don’t want my wedding to be a pressure on you, and I have to give numbers to the caterer today so let’s relax and say you and (your DH) and (DH) and I will get together to celebrate when you know you are feeling stronger. Much love”

Obviously but her cousin's needs have to be considered.

I second phoning her, the messages suggested are shite. You might as well text 'fuck you, it's my day, don't come'. Phone her, talk and telk ger that you are all feeling pressured, so the support won't be there, unfortunately. Tell her that you need numbers, so to come later on, if she feels up to it. Just say that you don't need the added stress of empty chairs. You and your immediate family are allowed to put yourselves first.

They actually don't. We don't have to organise major life events around other people. Sometimes people can't attend everything because of disability/poor MH. It's incredibly selfish to take the joy out of someone else's day. I'm disabled and so is my DP. It's great if you can include people somehow, but they don't have to attend. She doesn't get to spend the day crying at other people's weddings etc.

Thanks for all these - really helpful. Honestly, I promise a lot of my life has been spent trying to deal with relatives and their mental health issues and I do just really want one day when I am concentrating on just enjoying myself - and my mum and sister being able to enjoy themselves too. She won't be able to come just for after dinner because she'll be driving a few hours to get here (which increases the chances of her not coming at all tbh). I figure the chances of her actually turning up are at about 20% anyway.

On your wedding day you have the right to put boundaries in place to make sure other people's mental health issues don't become centre stage or spoil your day.

It sounds like you have spent a lot of time dealing with this cousin's mental health issues and other family members. These people deserve compassion and support but having mental health issues doesn't give people the right to impose chaos on other people's plans. If her mental health is sufficiently fragile she doesn't think she'll be able to manage the day she should pull out now rather than flip-flopping and then no doubt expecting others to look after her on the day.

As others have said I would maybe phone her, make clear you understand the position and say she's under no obligation to come if she's not up to it but that you do need to know for certain one way or the other and give a deadline.

Not on the OPs wedding day they don't.

The kindest thing for the cousin to do for herself and the OP is bow out.

Also @bathshe you sound like a lovely person and a lovely cousin. Hope you have a wonderful wedding day 💐.

I'd just make the decision for her so she doesn't have to decide.

"Hi, sorry to hear you're having a hard time. As we hadn't had confirmation from you, we had to confirm the numbers for food, so we had put you down as a no. It would be lovely to go out for a meal just the four of us after the wedding, which I think you'd probably prefer?"

Thanks for all these - really helpful. Honestly, I promise a lot of my life has been spent trying to deal with relatives and their mental health issues and I do just really want one day when I am concentrating on just enjoying myself

Sometimes you can't help others, all you do is put your own life on hold and your well being further and further to the bottom on your to do list.

Make your wedding day the day you start putting yourself and your DH at the top, or at least as near as can be, of your list of priorities.

Hope you have a lovely day.

Posters suggesting you should put her need for constant support first on your own wedding day are totally bloody unreasonable.

Agree with a lot of the great message suggestions here. I think saying you will assume she won’t be coming and that’s totally fine and you support her is a good idea.

I think it's really fair to say you really want her there and want to give her the space to decide, but you also need to know by a certain date so you can ensure everyone is catered for.

Hi cousin
I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time now, do you think the stress of coming to the wedding is adding to this? I won’t be offended if you decide it’s too much for you at the moment. Have a think and let me know, as I need to confirm numbers with the caterers next week. We’d love you both to be there, but weddings are stressful & emotional for everyone.

Come to my next one instead! Just be joking - honest! Dont tell STBDH I said that!
love OP

Honestly, the idea of a wedding probably is adding to her state of mind.

Just tell her to tell you a week in advance whether or not they are coming. No drama, no “oh - I will really miss you”. She’s attention seeking. Don’t feed into it.

Also £100 may be wasted and the cousin being upset all day so no , not juts about table plans.

Her wedding still needs to be organised, ill health of a guest or not.