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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Im lost

7 replies

Tommysmom · 25/05/2025 11:23

Where to start....

Im in a 13 year relationship. We have an 11 yr old DS soon to be 12.
It wasnt easy from the start. We live together as partners.He owns the house ,so its in his name . We are engaged but it will never be more than that (he never wants to marry)

He said it was best that i bacame a full time mum. As i work part time and he earns good money, I agreed. It worked. I decided to get a partime job -term time only, once our son started school DS is starting secondary school sept.so I can now be more flexible with work, as DS will be able to go to school on his own Sorry for long winded explanation l, but want you to have background story of my life

Cut to last week. My DP went on a trip to finland .i have never felt this was my home. I told him I wanted to put my mark on it. He said "go for it". Im not stopping you. So while he was away. I painted the kitchen. Also the bathroom ceiling which has been peeling for a year. He came home livid. What hasnt helped is DS told him I told him when he calls , to keep it a secret. This unnerved him. He cant stand secrets . Hes now told me to look for a flat. I thought he was joking but no . He has lack of trust. He told me to leave him alone to calm down.

We haven't had the best relationship. But i think hes gone too far.

In my defence. I have to work round DS. So cant earn good money. He gives me money on top of what I earn as its not a lot as well as paying his mortgage and bills .so hes a top earner . Without my DS im nothing

Was I wrong to paint the kitchen ?

Currently sitting in a garden centre car park in tears

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 25/05/2025 11:31

Start saving for a deposit on a flat. Do you have anyone that you can trust to be your guarantor? Ltb x

Clarinet1 · 25/05/2025 11:32

This is clearly about more than a few coats of paint. I’m sorry but, if it hasn’t been the greatest relationship, why stay? It really sounds as though he has been keeping you on a short chain with the only working part time and buying your loyalty with money,
It’s going to be hard but I think you have to make some tough decisions about whether you want your life to be like this.

Livpool · 25/05/2025 11:36

I dont mean to put the boot in but why do you need to be a SAHM to an almost 12 year old? Does he have SEN or other issues?

Your ‘partner’ sounds awful and you need to get a job asap

Clarinet1 · 25/05/2025 11:36

PS what’s the being engaged but never intending to marry all about? Certainly a sign of lack of commitment on his part and possibly a ploy to reduce any financial liability to you (or so he thinks - I can’t give definite information on that as I’m a lawyer).

Sasha07 · 25/05/2025 11:42

Leave off your own volition. Find yourself again and do whatever you need to get your independence and your life back. Who does he think he is, why the hell shouldn't you upkeep your home? Unless, he sees you as not equal in 'his' home, which seems to be the case.

That's no life. There's no respect there. Start making changes to leave him. Get your freedom back and your self worth will improve massively.
He sounds like an unstable, control freak. Giving you 'permission' to do things then freaking out when you actually do it... That's unhinged behaviour that will have you walking on eggshells forever if you stay with him.

LoveTheLake525 · 25/05/2025 11:49

WTAF??

He told you to 'go for it' , you painted a room. What did he think you meant, change a vase of flowers??

He's definitely put you in a shit situation which you have naively gone along with. You're going to have to wrk hard to get yourself in the best full time job you can t live independently. File for CMS today.

leopardprint17 · 25/05/2025 16:18

Good luck with your new home, im sure you'll be much happier 💗

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