To be angry at SS?

[Toghostornot]

DH has always been extremely supportive to his son, financially, emotionally and everything in between.
He’s nearly 18 and all of a sudden been really cold to DH. Making plans then ghosting, ignoring texts just generally being a bit shit. We’ve paid for him to go to a big bucket list sporting event in the next couple of months and I’m tempted to cancel it until he shows DH some respect!

Being extremely supportive of a kid he chose to have is just basic parenting.
It's normal for adult children to focus on their own lives.
Cancel the event if you want, do you think you cancelling it will make the man respect his father?
Is your husband happy to cancel it, too?

Maybe the lad is busy or just being a thoughtless teenager. You don't buy respect his gift is his gift.your husband can communicate his upset another way Or is this your upset?

Sounds like usual teenager behaviour.
Not sure why you think cancelling this event will help. You can't buy love, or respect.

Ask him why he’s being disrespectful to his father and has something happened?

If he’s normally “good” then could this be teen hormones and selfishness coming late ? Could there be another reason like he has a gf who he wants to spend time with instead? Plus he’s nearly 18, has he just started his A-level exams ?

Parents should be supportive financially, emotionally and everything in between and gifts shouldn’t come with strings. If you didn’t want to pay so much for this trip then it shouldn’t have been offered in the first place.

Making the trip conditional on respect (presumably attention ) will start making their relationship transactional rather than loving. You are basically saying if he spends X days with your h or eats Y meals with him then he gets the tickets which is sad.

Teenagers are disrespectful. They just are.

they get into their own head and think about their friends and their girlfriend/boyfriend and themselves.

sure, nag at him.

but getting upset about it is like getting upset that toddlers have tantrums. It’s the nature of the beast.

So he has been a parent to his son, what you describe is the basic parenting someone should do
And now he is being an 18 year old

it is not your place to cancel it

Let his dad talk with him as otherwise you risk a backlash.
I'd stay out of planning helping SS for the moment until the pair of them work out better communication.
If you were his mum not SM, I'd say the same thing as they need to work it out as 2 adults (1almost adult!).

I wouldn't cancel it, no. I think it's better to call him out on disrespectful behaviour when it happens rather than using that kind of punishment.

He’s probably got a girlfriend.

Teens start to re-focus their lives. Parents feel less central (even though they are obviously still so dependent)

I am guessing your SS does not live with you full time? So him seeing his Dad is dependent on ‘arrangements’? And contact dependent on texts? He’s not a kid any more.

Your suggestion is spiteful, vindictive and not your call.

Do you WANT to drive a wedge between them?

His Dad should spend some casual relaxed time with him, spontaneously, not dependent on ‘arrangements’ to gently check on his welfare and that he isn’t up to bad stuff , but otherwise get used to the move towards greater independence.

It’s normal

It isn't your relationship to manage.

It's your dh who needs to. This isn't unusual in separated homes especially when teens are nearly adults.

They get their own social lives and the non resident parent is usually the one who ends up with less adhoc time because they don't have the regular small interactions as the resident parent.

So seeing the non resident parent can become less, because now it's based on choice rather than having to.

And what you described your dh being is just being a parent. It isn't some gold standard that your SS owes him eternal thanks for.

And cancelling will just fracture the relationship completely.

Your dh needs to sit down with him the two of them and speak to him.

So he's been a normally dad then? Being supportive emotionally and financially?
Isn't it sad that this has to spelled out because so many so called dad's are so awful.

Anyway op, I think it's very normal behaviour for a teen and I wouldn't cancel anything or demand respect. There are two sides to every story and often DC are far knee hurt and damaged by families splitting up and people moving on than we can sometimes imagine, whose ever fault it was etc

He's a 17 year old...being 17.

catch yourself on

Agree you should stay out of it. SS is an adult as is your DH and they can navigate their own relationship. You shouldn’t be cancelling things to teach him lessons or keeping tally of what your DH has put into parenting his own child.

*nearly an adult. Certainly old enough for DH to deal with on a level without your management.

It’s not for you to intervene in their relationship. And he’s not going the extra mile, he’s being a parent. Teenagers act out sometimes, dealing with that is parenting.

My first thought was also “that’s just being a Dad”. Nothing above and beyond.

No, teens shouldn’t be disrespectful but they often are. I don’t think cancelling a big event is the answer.

(Mind you, I don’t think you can call something a “bucket list” event when you’re talking about a 17 yo - surely they don’t have bucket lists at that age? 😂)

Not sure why you feel it's your place to get involved. Your partner needs to speak with his son and find out what's going on. They're both adults - leave them to sort things out between themselves.

Please don't. It's up to his father to parent him, not you.
My son was horrendous at that age. He's now delightful. Some teens are just little shits.

Just saw you have another recent thread, angry at this young man. Just spare yourself the stress and anger by opting out of this.

It's between your husband and his son to manage their sporadic contact.
Your husband paying towards his son's university costs is just basic parenting obligations, since the loan he gets is based on his parents income.

Give your head a wobble. Your DH has been a normal dad and sounds like his son is turning into a teen adult.

YABVU if you cancel the event.

@Toghostornot

I'd be very wary of getting inbetween them - it's their relationship to navigate.

If he's normally a respectful, communicative lad, I'd be way more concerned with trying to find out the reason for his sudden out of character behaviour - he could be going through something.

I don't think cancelling the event will help at all. Your DH is not paying as a reward, he's paying because he's a parent and that's the kind of thing we do for them.
From my POV with my nearly 18yr old who lives in my house, she is lovely but fully focused on herself. She has one A Level exam left, she has a car, a lovely part time job that she can work as a many hours as she wants, she has her loan horse that she rides twice a week plus all her friends and her social life. I'm definitely not the center of her world like I used to be, infact her Dad (were divorced) and I often end up calling each other when we find we are either the "bank of mum and dad" or we are picking up the pieces when things go wrong. I believe that it's healthy for her to start taking control and running her own life knowing we are there when she needs us but not putting us first or at the centre of her world that we used to be.

i know I’m not going to cancel it. I’m finding it hard seeing DH being treated so poorly, fair enough if he was an absent dad - but he isn’t.
I didn’t know teenagers/young adults were so awful. Guess I need to set my bar lower and accept this is normal.
I know it’s not my fight too - I just don’t understand how someone can be so rude!