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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I missing something??

21 replies

MAMONTHEEDGE · 25/05/2025 09:26

Help me please,

I am a SAHM to 3 children aged 17, 5 and 2.
Two are suspected adhd and one diagnosed Autistic. My 'partner' (used loosely) is self employed and can work as and when he chooses. I do everything in the home, EVERYTHING. I am basically a single parent, I have no time to myself barring 2.5hrs Monday to Friday when my youngest is at nursery, which is when I do shopping, deep cleaning, diy, college pick up for eldest child etc. I feel like I'm drowning, I am currently not on speaking terms with said partner after I asked him to be a partner and help me around the house a little, maybe cook one time or do the pots or tidy up the kids toys. I was called a narcissist and feminist who is trying to change him and wanting him to do what I should be doing. I'm beginning to suspect I'm going crazy have I got this soooo wrong am I wrong to want someone to share the load, to be a partner? He works all hours to pay for HIS bills and the rent. I pay all the house bills food etc including 2 loans I got for him to clear his debts. He never offers me anything towards it all. Please help 🙏

OP posts:
Squiggles23 · 25/05/2025 09:36

Well he sounds like a piece of shit but why did you have more kids with him??

How much is he working? Is he contributing financially? Could you afford to get a cleaner or some help?

I would stop doing so much for him like his washing etc, maybe eat with kids and not do his if it’s that’s bad.

Squiggles23 · 25/05/2025 09:38

Sorry just saw last bit. How are you paying the bills of you aren’t working?

mondaytosunday · 25/05/2025 09:38

Are you missing something? Yes, a supportive partner and responsible father to your kids. This relationship needs to end now.

Evaka · 25/05/2025 09:41

This is utterly depressing. Leave this dino-pig and stop exposing your kids to such a fucked up dynamic.

Swiftie1878 · 25/05/2025 09:43

??? Where are you getting your money from?

But to answer your question, yes you are missing something. You are missing that this is no way to live, and that you need to proactively change your household dynamic.
Make a list of everything that needs doing. Put them into two columns - the stuff that you do, and the stuff that your DP does.
Then sit down with him and talk through whether he thinks it’s fair or not.

If he is unable to accept that he needs to do more, you either continue to go along with that, or you leave (since he pays the rent, I assume the tenancy is in his name).

MathsMum3 · 25/05/2025 09:44

Are they all his kids? Does he spend time with them evenings/weekends, or do bedtime routine etc.? If not, he doesn't seem to be contributing anything to the family except paying the rent. You are not missing anything, THIS IS NOT TYPICAL. Most partners share some of the child-rearing and household duties at least. He doesn't sound like he's very kind to you either. I would seriously ask yourself whether you'd be happier without him.

ringsnthings · 25/05/2025 09:44

Sorry..but the point of him is what exactly?? Know your worth.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/05/2025 09:44

Is your 5 year old not at school? How are you paying bills if you don’t work? He sounds unpleasant but you’ve got one 2 year old to look after while the other two are at school/college and the 17 year old should be pitching in at home, why are you so overwhelmed? Can you put the 2 year old in nursery more if you need to?

If you’re not married and he doesn’t appreciate your contribution you’re in a very vulnerable situation. If you feel like a single mum anyway you should split up.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/05/2025 09:45

It is not the same as being a single parent. But if you feel like that then kick him out. How are you paying the bills if you don’t work?

pinkdelight · 25/05/2025 09:55

Has he always been this way? It's a bad move to be an unmarried SAHM financially dependent on (and taking out loans for) a man with that attitude to women. He'll never be a partner in any true sense and will see it that you signed up to do everything to do with the house and kids while he pleases himself and treats you like shit. There's no redeeming him and nothing to be gained from trying. I'd be looking into how you could practically and financially manage without him.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 25/05/2025 10:03

No you're not missing anything. This is it, this is the life you've chosen. If you don't like it get out and make different choices.

Devilsmommy · 25/05/2025 10:15

No you're not missing anything. He's a twat. I've only got 1 2yo and though DH works and I'm a sahm he still does his share. Your partner is a using cunt and you'd be better off without

Original poster
MAMONTHEEDGE · 25/05/2025 10:28

I am a full time carer for my Autistic child and get UC top ups for low income. So I haven't got a lot but I make it work with what I have. My eldest is not his child, and he helps me out a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
MAMONTHEEDGE · 25/05/2025 10:35

And no he wasn't always like this, when I worked he did help with some things, it's just since my maternity ended with my last child and I've become a SAHM and full time carer.
To the person asking why I'm so overwhelmed have you had any experience with having a child with SEND? My child needs constant supervision for their safety and that of others which is 24hours a day 7 days a week, and cos of their needs they are on a reduced timetable at school. Hence I don't have anytime to myself.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/05/2025 10:41

End it and claim via CMS you will be better off not having to feed him, pay for his electricity use etc.

babystarsandmoon · 25/05/2025 10:47

I might sound harsh here but I think it’s unfair to call yourself a single parent when you have a man living in the house and paying the rent and whatever other bills.

Stop paying his debt for a start and make the most of using deliveries for the food shopping. You’re being a slave to yourself by trying to do it all.

NineteenSeventyNine · 25/05/2025 10:54

You need to keep your children away from this vile man - he is verbally and financially abusive at the very least. Do you have family/friends you can lean on for support?

Also: never, ever take out another loan for someone else.

SharpLily · 25/05/2025 10:55

I would say YABU but only for having to ask if this is acceptable! Of course it isn't! This is no kind of relationship and deep down you must know this. It seems to me that you're functioning as a single parent most of the time anyway, so why not do it properly and then you won't have to do deal with such an unpleasant man child on top. Burden lessened.

Original poster
MAMONTHEEDGE · 25/05/2025 10:57

Just the rent nothing else. I'm not being a slave to myself. I am doing what needs to be done as there is no other person to do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
MAMONTHEEDGE · 25/05/2025 11:05

I'm sorry I really don't know how to reply to specific replies but appreciate them all no matter how harsh.
In my mind I know this is over, and really was seeking verification that it is not normal and I am not asking for something alien and unheard of. It's a massive thing to remove him from my childrens life and something that will affect them regardless of how little time he spent with them, which is why I've let it get to this point I suppose. I now need to put wheels in motion and move forward. Thank you.

OP posts:
SharpLily · 25/05/2025 11:21

My father was/is not nice. My parents believed in staying together 'for the children'. They were wrong. We'd have been better off growing up without him.

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