Mil advice please

[whynotmereally]

I’ve always felt a bit of an outsider with dh family, they are all very close (including sil who grew up in same village and has known them since she was 18) Whereas I came in not local and in my mid thirties with two kids. Both my parents have died so I was initially excited about being a part of this big family, they were lovely at first but over time they stopped being so friendly and mil in particular would make shitty comments usually when we were alone. It got worse after dd was born, we have had a lot of challenges and Pil are unhelpful/dismissive .
Eventually I accepted I’m not their cup of tea and took an emotional step back which helped a lot. We still see them around once a month (we live a couple hours away) but dh tends to do p/calls and messages in between now.
When we are there (we usually go one or two nights) they will crack on with jobs /errands which is fine I don’t need entertaining. I offer to help/ play with dd / read etc . On an evening thry watch something on tv (we don’t get asked an opinion) it’s usually something I’m not interested in so I will read or look at my phone.

Last time we were there I put dd to bed and sat down in living room, mil was there and we said a few words. I had to sort out something work related so I picked up my phone to send a quick email. I’d not even started writing and mil starting saying I ignore her when I visit and why am I on my phone all the time. (I’m really not especially when we are all sat chatting) it escalated and I pointed out mil only ever has faults with me never anyone else and it feels personal. Dh wasn’t much help he tried to say maybe we were both at fault. Mil ran upstairs sobbing and fil had to comfort her. Fil said she often says to him she feels like I don’t make an effort with her (maybe because I took a step back?) Mil came down and said she wanted to forget about it.
I now feel completely awkward about visiting, I’m autistic so often feel I rub people up the wrong way and I have chronic pain and do tend to use my phone/reading/puzzles as a distraction. But I wouldn’t do it when we are sat chatting more if they are busy doing something else.

Any advice on how to navigate this please?

i guess if you needed to deal with work and she is funny about it, you could explain what you are doing? leave the room to do it?

It could be a good thing or a bad thing that this argument happened. Good that she now knows how you feel and may make an effort to change and be nicer to you. Or it could be bad if you and her can't get over the fight. I'd wait and see and allow a bit of time to see if things settle down. It's more in her interest to be nice to you if she wants to see her DS and grandchildren more regularly.

Don't go op. If they're doing jobs and your playing with DD do they interact when your there?
Doesn't sound like it.
You stay at home possibly with DD and let partner go

It would really piss me off if I invited a guest to my house and they spent the time reading or looking at their phone. The work thing may be the straw that broke the camel's back but you said you normally read a book or look at your phone. That's incredibly rude. This is on you I'm afraid.

Life's too short to spend it with people who make you feel shit. Just cut the visits right down. Either DH can just go by himself or maybe all of you go but not overnight/not as often. My PIL live slightly further away than yours and we go maybe twice a year. Used to do overnights but for several different reasons we now just travel to them in the month, arrive at lunchtime and then leave at the kids' bedtime so they sleep on the way home.

alternatively, life is too short to fall out with your MIL.
meet her halfway
dont be rude

What kind of "shitty comments" did she make? Might the whole thing be a miscommunication/misunderstanding?

Some people actually see watching TV together as a social activity (programmes like Gogglebox are testament to this!), even doing chores together for some is bonding - my family do this, cooking and cleaning together while chatting - so yes perhaps she perceived you reading or going on your phone/playing separately with DD as detaching from them..

Not saying this is all your fault, especially as you say you have autistic traits, but just that maybe it's a situation that could be rectified 🤷‍♀️

Alternatively, you could just keep the visits pared back 😂 a shame though if you've no other family is your own.

They carry on like we aren’t there which I’m fine with but I also feel I should be able to relax and not be in guest mode too. They don’t interact loads with dd when she wants to play games they say later then don’t bother. But then moan she’s not that interested in them!

Stay at home with your DD. They don't like you and don't seem bothered about your DD. Your partner should be sticking up for you, not saying that you are both in the wrong.

What sort of shitty comments did your MIL make when you were alone? Did you tell your DH what she had said?

Thank you I’m really unsure if I am being unreasonable. I don’t do it if we are chatting or when we arrive. So an example would be dh is walking dog, fil is in the other room watching football, mils running errands and I’m entertaining dd. Dd goes on iPad so I read a bit of my book. Mil comes in and immediately says ‘aren’t you talking to me?’ When I’m literally finishing the page!

It’s a fair point about tv. We aren’t really like that, dh watches tv more than me and I will usually read . The thing is there’s no discussion of what to watch and if dh suggests something he is told no😂. I get bored easily and think if they are watching something why can’t I read? I guess it is a bit anti social though.

Stay in an air bnb then at least you can leave for dd's bedtime and watch your own TV!!

If they act like you're not there, it's a bit rich for them to complain that you're doing the same.

I couldn't be arsed with all that, tbh. I'd go very low contact if I was in your shoes.

Examples -

”dd is so much better when you are not here”

do you think dd allergies are in your head”

“do you think if you didn’t pander to her she’ d do as she’s told? “ (Dd is autistic and developmentally delayed and needs specific routines that seem to irritate Pil for some reason)

“was dh upset when you got pregnant? “(She assumed dd was an accident which she wasn’t)

pil asked what dd wanted for her birthday mil said when handing it over “it’s not very good but you mum thinks you will like it”

when dh told her what I bought him for his birthday she said “ did whynot think you would want that?”

If I don’t like a food for example dried fruit and she made scones, she will go on about it and act disappointed I won’t just eat them (the scones aren’t for me. They are for everyone) but will do a turkey and a chicken at Christmas because sil doesn’t like turkey.

One big thing for me was when my sister had cancer and I was supporting her we asked Pil to have dd a bit so I could attend appointments/ treatment (we never normally ask due to distance) thry agreed but moaned so much . They have dn 3/4 times a week and overnight regularly. On one occasion I came home from a difficult appointment and they had took dd out locally and brought dn too to give sil a break. They had a go at me about how hard dd and dn were together (dn has ADHD so is also challenging) I hadn’t asked them to bring dn but somehow it was my fault.
There’s loads more examples but all similar stuff. Sometime mil will go on about how quiet I am (true I’m not chatty) and can’t I be more like them (dh is also a quiet person but he’s ok) I had selective mutism as a child and freeze up when people say how quiet I am.