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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this normal?

20 replies

Loolabell42 · 24/05/2025 21:39

My DH and I have very different thresholds for acceptable behaviour. When we argue i am sometimes called all sorts of names F B, C, Piece of S** etc. I have also on occasion had things thrown towards me and been locked out of family home temporarily. It’s essentially huge temper tantrums. I try not to react but it’s so difficult- sometimes I feel angry and verbally bite back but without the name calling but most of the time I feel really intimidated.

I feel this is abusive and am left feeling really upset for days after. My DH feels it’s normal and that i am too sensitive. He also says I push him to it.

DH always apologises a couple days after and moves on as if it hasn’t happened. If I say anything about it he sulks for days and then wakes up one day and seems to have forgotten all about it. We now have a baby and I don’t want her to grow up seeing me treated like this. The tantrums have got worse since baby was born.

AIBU to feel that I shouldn’t be treated in this way? I am really questioning whether I need to get out of this marriage. I’m just scared of how difficult that process would be and how he would treat me if I broach subject of separation. He would be so difficult to live with.

OP posts:
ScrewedByFunding · 24/05/2025 21:40

No it's very much not normal.

Amba1998 · 24/05/2025 21:40

None of that is normal and yes you do need to leave this marriage

TheSlantedOwl · 24/05/2025 21:40

It is abuse, and you do need to leave. Sorry OP.

Gnarab24 · 24/05/2025 21:41

You need to leave

BallerinaRadio · 24/05/2025 21:42

You know the answer to this

Createausername1970 · 24/05/2025 21:42

That is absolutely NOT normal.

You need to seriously consider your options.

Dinosweetpea · 24/05/2025 21:43

No, it's absolutely not normal, it's abusive and you need to leave, both for you and the sake of your child.

Jujujudo · 24/05/2025 21:49

I had 17 years of this. Totally believed I was the problem. Tried saying quiet, forgave him, scared to stay scared to leave, questioning my own instincts. After one of his unreasonable insulting rants about 2 years ago, I suddenly snapped. I starting screaming and crying and raging.. I was utterly hysterical, devastated, and out of control. He calmly took his phone and recorded me. He still uses the recording as a threat to me if I try to leave. He’s opened a case with social services and continues to record me if I get upset - after baiting me to react.
You are questioning if it’s normal because it is for you. I no longer know or expect to know what being in a normal relationship is, but I know now that this is abuse. Being accustomed to being treated badly, insulted, belittled, criticised, gaslit, etc doesn’t mean it’s normal. You’ve just got used to it and been coerced into believing you’ve got a problem and deserve it.
If you have the strength and you’re not yet afraid of him, please leave. Please. It’s not going to improve, he’ll get worse and your child will suffer.

Lavender14 · 24/05/2025 21:54

Op this is a classic abusive relationship. Down to the letter of what you've written.

The name calling and verbal intimidation is emotional abuse, the throwing things around you is physical abuse and the police class this as assault even if it doesn't touch you. The telling you that it's your fault he does these things is gaslighting, the huffing and sulking and taking no accountability for his own behavior is narcissism and op, the majority of domestic abuse relationships escalate after a baby comes into the picture because your primary focus is now your baby, not him and you're more dependent on him than you were previously- in some ways it's harder to leave with a child and he knows it. He's not doing this because of his mental health or because he has issues with anger - he's doing it because he feels entitled to treat you this way and because he wants to. Girls who grow up in abusive households are more likely to go on into abusive relationships themselves.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your dd in this scenario is to leave as soon as you safely can. Call womens aid for advice and support - what you've described here will absolutely meet their threshold for support and they will take you seriously. I'd also start looking into your options to see how you can leave and get your ducks quietly in a row. Speak to your health visitor and ask them to help you leave.

You don't broach the subject with him, you just go to family or friends and tell him from a distance. Or if your name is on the deeds of the house you change the locks when he's out and womens aid can help you get your address flagged for rapid response from police. I strongly, strongly urge you to report him to police and social services as well to give yourself the best protection from his reaction and in terms of negotiating contact arrangements. You could also do a Clares law request to see if he's got prior records for this type of abusive behaviour.

He will get nasty. He will be threatening. Then he'll try to sweet talk you and make a load of promises that he has no intention of keeping. I suggest you look at the cycle of violence diagram as it explains what you're describing really well. Don't back down, don't doubt yourself - you do not deserve this from him and you never did. Protect yourself and your child by leaving and having a happy life without him.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 24/05/2025 22:09

Your husband is a violent, abusive man. Of course it's not normal. You need to leave.

ZippyPeer · 24/05/2025 22:36

You are right OP, that is abuse.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 24/05/2025 23:54

It's not normal to feel intimidated or scared of your partner. It's not normal to be called names and treated disrespectfully.

Don't inform him of any plans to leave and get some support. You can contact Refuge until 6pm tomorrow or contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline 24/7.

ZebraPrintt · 25/05/2025 00:20

This is abuse op.

angelco · 25/05/2025 00:22

It’s not normal Your not too sensitive and you need to leave

DramaAlpaca · 25/05/2025 00:22

Oh you poor love. That is NOT normal. Any name calling is unacceptable. Your DH is abusive and controlling.

GildedRage · 25/05/2025 00:27

it's abuse, the name calling, the throwing stuff and locking you out as well as the blaming.
you will need to leave and recognize that he may never change.

MumChp · 25/05/2025 00:28

Abuse. Not normal. At all.

S0j0urn4r · 25/05/2025 00:33

Contact Womens Aid. They will help you to leave.

Lovelylydia · 25/05/2025 00:41

It’s normal in abusive relationships. Please contact Women’s Aid for advice.
If you witnessed an adult daughter in a relationship like this, what would you advise her to do?

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