To pull back

[somanycakes]

I’ve realised over the last few months that I seem to be in a cycle of behaviour with friends and family.

Ive made a big effort with new and longtime friends to be in touch and arrange plans to meet etc. I’ve come to realise that it’s always me doing it.

Offering to meet for coffee/lunch dinner. Asking when they’re free. It’s all very one sided.

it’s the same with my family. I’m supposed be seeing my cousin tomorrow. I make all the running. She never texts or calls. I’ve left it to see if she gets in touch to confirm tomorrow’s plans. Nothing!

I’m disappointed but not surprised.

I know everyone has busy lives but I’m a bit fed up of making all the arrangements and putting myself out to be asked to fit around some random event or slotted in to a 30 minute gap at their convenience.

AIBU to pull back and see what relationships
whither and die?

Some relationships are like that, but I get that you wonder whether they are as invested as you. You can leave the ball in their court but their falling away might not be lack of interest. Someone I know struggles to maintain relationships, not out of lack of interest, but they have ND struggles with getting organised.

This is 99% of my family and friend relationships.

Perhaps I can give the benefit of the doubt to some newer friendships but long term relationships it’s very hard to maintain the level of effort and receive nothing in return. Not a single one of them are ND.

they just expect me to put the work in while they give nothing in return.

my cousin has cancelled on me this morning as she’s “not well” but only told me when I contacted her. So I’d have been standing there like a lemon waiting for her if I’d left it to her to get in touch.

Im really hurt and annoyed

Are you single and without children the reason I ask is this is me and I find this happens to.me with people who are in relationships and have children. I just leave them to it. It's as if they are busy, wheras you could not possibly be busy. Those people in my life who are single, are more proactive usually. These are just my observations.

I have a husband and two children. These behaviours are so ingrained in these long term relationships that I think they just expect me to be there to do everything in terms of maintaining the relationships

I've got a very dear friend. Family friend, so known them most of my life.

I suddenly realised that in all the time me and my family have known them, they've never once actually called us up and invited us to something. Not once. It's always them being invited and accepting. They always more than pay their way, but never instigate anything and certainly never invite any of us to the house! I think I've been inside their flat about three times in 40-odd years?

I don't really know why to be honest and it only dawned on me very recently. But it made me see them in a slightly less favourable light.

I would absolutely pull back. Why should you put the effort in? If they don’t reply then don’t message them again. Why should you have to be the one taking time out of your busy diary too all the time?

It’s rude of them. I’m totally on your side here. But, if this happens with 99% of people then clearly a whole load of family and friends wrongly think that you really don’t mind being treated like this. Do you tell them that you do? When you’re left potentially ‘standing like a lemon’ do you ever call them out on it? With the most recent bit of rudeness - if she’s done this and you haven’t said a word then you’re effectively allowing people to keep treating you like this. I’d say, ‘You should’ve let me know sooner and without me chasing. You can’t expect people to adjust their plans around you and it’s pretty thoughtless to then not keep them up to date.’ Stop organising things for these people - let them take some responsibility. If people don’t confirm, tell them you’ll assume plans aren’t going ahead.

This what I did op.

I have not heard from a single family member for 2 months. Mum, sisters, dad, brother, DHs family too. I don’t expect to hear from any of them again now.
Unless someone dies then somehow they might let me know.
They just have zero interest in me, my kids or husband.

I have gone as far as to archive about 80% of my contacts too, not a thing from any of the people I thought were friends for months.

It’s fine, I still have a small core of people I would hate not to be in touch with whether it’s me always doing the chasing and arranging.

The rest clearly do not see me as I see them in terms of being important.

It hasn’t been detrimental at all, quite easy actually.

I’m fairly laid back so have historically been easy going about plans being left to me or cancelled as I do understand things come up but it’s gone too far the other way.

my fault for not speaking up a long time ago!

My best friend told me recently that she’d “obviously” cancel our longstanding plans if she got a better offer from her husband.

I feel completely dispensable and unimportant. I’ve been afraid that if I don’t make the effort I’ll be completely alone as I know no one will be In touch. Maybe that’s for the best rather than being the bug in the relationship!

The comment from your friend is nasty. You sound like you’re a good friend and they don’t deserve you. I would leave it. If they don’t reply it’s their loss. Don’t be in a friendship with someone like this, time is too short.

i am grateful for my friendships - new or old and I would certainly not treat people like this

Thank you. I was upset by her comment tbh. I was also shocked she’d be so openly dismissive and expect me to think nothing of it.

Im fed up of being a doormat!