Finally cut son's father off for good

[Mummaonherown]

Backstory
Ex and I were together 6 years, had our ds unplanned. There were numerous red flags but I continued with the pregnancy.
Relationship was "ok" he was/is a drinker which really crept in during covid. He cheated this time last year, that relationship lasted 4 months he came back tail between legs begging for another chance. I asked him (pretty much begged) him not to do that to us again, our ds was having issues with him just disappearing from our lives, said he was happy and wanted to make it work. Then in October, he went out cheated again and he is now living with OW and her 3DD 2 hours from us.

He has refused to do medation, hardly pays and the only time he wants to see our son is if he can bring his gf and her 3DD along.
The rare times he does visit on his own, he sits in my home "wanting to watch TV/film" doesn't fully engage with our son, goes to the shop to have a 'cheeky drink" and tries it on with me
Our DS had a GDD diagnosis 2.5 years ago, I and my son have worked so hard to turn this around in time for him to start school, he no longer needs a ECHP and will be attending a mainstream school, the only support needed is speech therapy. My ex never came to one appointment , never came with me to visit 1 primary school (this was when he was busy chasing skirt) during open days, didn't so the application with me, in fact has shown no interest in our son.
There's no much more, but it will be so long. Majority of my friends and family have been telling me to cut him off for a few years, asking me "what am I waiting for, him to turn into a decent father" even my therapist has suggested he will do more damage to ds than good
I have had 84 missed contacts in 2 years, in the last 3 weeks he's called him twice.
My son has now said "daddy doesn't answer the phone because he's angry at me" and "daddy doesn't want to be my friend, he's (the gf and her kids friend)"

Today, we have had another huge blow out, we spoke last week and we agreed that he would do more things with him on his own, then when son is comfortable (he still wants me to come everywhere) then to bring his gf and her children.
He's backtracked and said "I'll do what I want, she's my gf and I want her there"

I've told him to forget everything, he's not listening, I don't think she knows the backstory maybe if she knew she would understand.
He's also told me, that while he loves our son he isn't going to "bother with medation because he doesn't want to" and he will have a new family with her and have more children.
I said to him to you will just leave our son, not put in any effort and just have more kids? He said "yes, don't call me again"
He's known this woman and DD 7 months, and they have become his priority telling me "we are a family now"

AiBU for just walking away now?
He does nothing, and I mean nothing
Just wiped his hands and walked away

Should have walked away a long time ago

And put in for CMS immediately

@SapphOhNo I should have, I wished I did it would make it so much easier.

I've got the claim in, all I can do is let them do what they need to do.
I forgot to mention, he went 5.5 weeks without seeing him or paying, I got the blame of course.

Your son will be better off without him. cut him off. I'm sure when it doesn't work out with new gf he'll come running back, so you're best to do it now while he's preoccupied.

Frankly far better to cut him off so when your ds grows up, he doesn’t remember him.

He's basically told you already that he is not going to bother with his son. Just cut all contact now.

Yep I have to now, my son had a nasty accident at soft play this morning, another kid headbutted him and caught him on cheekbone, instantly swelled and bruised, first aider checked him out told me that he didn't think it was fractured but to keep an eye on him for 24 hours as it's classed as a head injury. Unfortunately he had sand in his eye 3 weeks ago, which led to a hospital visit as he rubbed his eye so bad he causes abrasions and needed antibiotics.

I told my ex about the eye injury on the day, he didn't respond until 5 hours later, nor did he come to the hospital despite being 30 mins away. In his words "what for sand in his eye" (it was a Sunday) my son displays ADHD traits and the extra help would have been appreciated.

I rang him today and told him about the incident today, he wanted to take him out tomorrow with his new gf and her children all day so I did say he wasn't going anywhere. He said that was understandable and I then asked when he would be seeing his child after this accident, he said "not sure I'll get back to you" I simply stated "enjoy your day out with your new family tomorrow" and put the phone down.

I'll say nothing, I'll just not respond now he'll soon get the message

You are not being unreasonable to cut this absolute waste of space out of your lives OP, the sooner the better, in my opinion.

I really cannot understand how any many can just chose to walk away from his own child, and yet make a family with someone else's children. I bet he'll have another couple of kids with the new GF, and then walk away from them too. So sad for your son OP!

It's poor behaviour from him to not initiate or miss contact, but you can't dictate who is present when they do spend time together. Will your son thank you later in life for preventing him from contact?

@PeapodMcgee there's been so much, fighting in front of our son, drinking, not turning up for parents evening, so much.

My son is heavily confused, I'm not preventing contact he agreed after our chat last week, he's then backtracked.
The only time he wants to see him is when he is with his gf.
He does nothing in-between - and I mean nothing.
I have to tell him to call his son

After a lot of serious abuse I managed to leave my DS's father (prefer to refer to him as his sperm donor (SD) as he was never a 'father') when I was 7 months PG. My DS's father spent 10 years fighting for contact.

It was apparent that he only wanted contact with me not DS. Courts arranged contact in a Contact Centre. The SD only turned up when there was a court hearing due. Usually he would turn up 45 minutes into an hour's session or cancel.

He attacked me at the Contact Centre & the staff had to drag him off he as he had me by the throat against a wall shouting how he was going to kill me.

When we changed to my parents taking DS, he followed them back to the car park & attacked my father.

On a visit with a social worker, SD wouldn't hold DS's hand (DS was 5 years old) when crossing the road (saying that he wasn't going to hang on to him like a dog) & in her report, commented that all he wanted to do was talk about the perceived injuries that I'd inflicted on him & how he was signed off work because of my unreasonable behaviour towards him. She also commented that he didn't engage in talking with DS.

My DS wanted to have contact with his father so I did everything possible to make it happen.

In the end we went back to court, the judge asked SD if he wanted to see DS. He said yes he did but not in a Contact Centre & that he wanted staying contact or nothing. Judge said that Contact Centre only option until he'd proved his commitment. I which case SD decided that he'd rather not have contact.

I had to explain to DS that his father had been given the option of seeing him in the Contact Centre or not at all & that he'd decided that he'd rather not see him. DS asked if I'd told the judge that he wanted to see his father. I said that I had, but we needed to make it safe for him and for whoever took him, and, since that wasn't possible he wouldn't be seeing his father again.

Some men are fucking bastards.

@BakelikeBertha he's already talking about having more children, once that happens my son is further down the line.

He's told me "they are a family now" but keeps trying it with me, doesn't see it as "cheating'

I think @BakelikeBertha that the cringeworthy but relevant adage rings true here -

"If someone shows you who they are... believe them".

He is acting more like a child, than the child he is meant to support.

Get everything straight legally and financially, then ditch please.

He sounds like a useless waster, you and your son are lucky to be rid of him.

Keep your eyes peeled though, he’ll come begging again when she kicks him out.

You've been doing all the running around, all the pushing, all the work. You deserve massive amounts if credit for that...but you need to stop.

The man clearly isn't interested. He will come crawling back to you went it suits him or when he cheats again. He will play daddy again in order to get in your pants (just like he's doing now with new woman).

Block him and don't let him back. You will find that D's is much happier without his disruption in your lives. If ds asks why daddy isn't coming say 'i don't know'. Keep evidence of everything so you can show court or D's when older if needed.

Move on without him. Stop calling asking for help, your expectations should be zero. Build a support network without him.

When he inevitably comes back to you for contact. Tell him to go to court. He needs to prove himself, he need to tell a court that he commits and you need to nail it down so he can't pop in and out of D's life when ever he feels like it.

The thing is, you have to mean it. And I suspect you don’t

take the emotion out of it. I know that’s difficult. But really consider what is best for your son and if that’s cutting contact then you have to do that in the correct way and not keep contacting him when there’s a bumped head/ something else etc. Block him across the board and do it properly.

you have to go completely cold turkey and not keep contacting him

@BadgersSuitcase it's extremely difficult, I come from a "nuclear" family my parents are married 50 years next year, that's all I've ever wanted. I had my son late (38) after years of infertility, he was a massive surprise I didn't think I could.

He's now blocked, but before I blocked him he sent me 5 messages saying "call me" for an hour, I ignored them. His last message a hour ago said "don't come to me for money, I'm forever done leave me alone"
I'll listen to him this time, if he really loves his son he will take me to court for access but I doubt it, court will expose him for who he is and he doesn't want his new GF to see him for who he is.

He will just make more babies, and blame me.
He doesn't even know what primary school he son will be attending in September.
Someone who I used to talk to, knew all the troubles I had with him and predicted he wouldn't be in his son's life when he turns 5......she was right, he's 5 in September.
I wish I listened back then, but I'm listening now