To not know how to help my teenage DD

[Cupcakemum79]

DD is 13 and has always been part of a large friend group, since kindergarten. So socially everything seemed to go perfectly well;
Since the beginning of this school year, the classes got mixed up and I got the sense something was starting to be off. No more sleepovers, shopping with friends etc. Even with her, until now best friend. Whenever I asked her if everything was all right or told her something seemed of or strange, she got angry with me and told me not to be so worried as everything was ok...I then told her it's my job as a mum to worry and that I hoped that if anything was wrong she'd tell me.
This best friend has changed a lot, since she started to hang out with two new girls. And now they have started to bully DD, in my opinion. She is still 'normal to DD when it's just the two of them.
Yesterday she called me very upset while on her way home.
There had been a stench in their classroom, and her so called best friend had started spreading the rumour (not true[ that this was because of DD. DD ended up crying as everyone in the class reacted with: eeewww DD... and because it was not true.
Apparently one of the two new girls had also complained about the weight of their backpacks. And for some unfathomable reason, my DD offered (or she says she offered[ to carry that backpack for that girl all week, the other girl seems to have carried hers. During one class she then offered (again according to her[ for some reason to do her homework as that girl hadn't done it and didn't understand it!
Then after school that new clique of 3 girls (including her so called best fiend[ biked in front of her, and at the traffic lights, the 'best friend' turned around with 'a bitchy face' and said loudly: 'oh there she is' in a snide way.
DD understandably very upset and so are we as parents. She says everyone hates her now. If ever I get my hands on those mean girls... also I can't for the life of me understand why oh why did DD carry that backpack and do the homework etc.. I told her to promise me to never ever do anything like that again, also that 'best friend' is not a friend.
She then said she wanted to make up with her, but I warned her to look for other friends, as this is not the behaviour of friends.
Int eh end the 'best friend' said sorry in snapchat (not enough for me but then I am not a teenager today.
Another girl had told my DD to tell all of this to one of the teachers as she thinks this behaviour is not ok.
Of course I am really worried, angry, sad etc about all of this. But I have no idea how to help her. The parents of the 'best friend' are acquaintances of ours, but I think contacting them may backfire.
I guess I am looking for any insights or tips from you all, maybe teachers even?
How to help my daughter through this and hopefully help her find new friends?
Also, AIBU to now think these girls are absolutely vile and not worthy of my DD friendship?

I don’t know how to help, you need to step back and yet be there simultaneously. I would advise not being so pointed asking and saying you’re worried please tell me etc etc- my kids generally will tell me more if I eg have them in the car on a drive or am in the room but just talking about nothing as opposed to questioning them.

Hopefully someone can help but I would say at some stage if whatever you try doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to consider moving schools

Teenage girls are awful. Sadly I don't think this behaviour is uncommon but not to have any allies is particularly isolating. I'd be encouraging her to move on and find another group of friends.

Your daughter offered to carry the bag of the other girl, in the hope she would be accepted by them. Unfortunately, all that will happen is they'll exploit your daughter, and still be nasty towards her. Her 'best friend', is trying to fit in with the new girls, so therefore is behaving in the same way towards your daughter, as they do. On her own, she's perfectly fine, because really the 'bitchy' facade she's portraying, isn't really who she is. The best friend may have her own issues going on. However, her behaviour and the other two girls is nasty, bitchy and bullying. You need to report this to your daughter's Head of House and ask if the Pastoral Team, could help your daughter. The behaviour needs nipping in the bud now, before your daughter's self-esteem is destroyed. I speak from experience - the consequences of bullying can last decades.

I understand why you feel so angry - I love my daughter too and hate the thought of her being hurt in any way.

However, you can't fix this for her. Life involves some challenges and some suffering - you can't make it go away. She has to navigate friendship issues herself. All you can do is listen, sympathise and advise.

There aren't that many concrete incidents in your post - that's fine, I assume there is lots you left out for brevityz for you to feel so strongly. To address the ones you mentioned.

A) the smell in the classtoom (were they implying she farted, or that she had BO). Either way, it is a fairly common thing for this age to banter about - maybe boys more than girls, but even so. Yes it can be hurtful and embarrassing to a sensitive child, and the girls were wrong to go it, but try not to get it out of proportion - it's the sort of thing everyone else in the class would have forgotten by breaktine

B) the backpack - frankly it was, as you say, a weird thing for your dad to offer. Ideally the other girl would say no, but perhaps she genuinely felt your dd was happy to carry it as she had asked - I might carry a friend's bag if she was slighter than me, or feeling tired - if I offered, I wouldn't consider it wrong of her to accept.

C) homework - this is totally normal - kids help each other out with homework all the time. Kind of your dad to offer, not wrong of the girl to accept (I mean, yes, technically cheating, but not wrong in a bullying sense).

D) the turning round with a mean face and the comment - not nice obviously. The face bit could be subjective but the comment does sound a bit cruel. Try not to encourage your dd to see it as the end of the world though - it's not.

Above all try to model resilience and help her keep things in proportion, for her own sake. It does sound like seeking out new friendships would be good, but getting lost in misery and rage about what is happening currently won't help anyone.

Having said that, I do get fierce when I think someone is remotely mean to my daughter, so I feel your pain!

But you owe it to her to let her grow and learn through this.

I wanted to comment OP cos I’ve been through the same thing and after thinking about it I may post again later.

i think you’re right not going to the best friend’s parents.

i wouldn’t overly question your daughter.

if try and raise your daughter’s self esteem and be as supportive as possible

With the emotional stuff which is understandably upsetting - I’d be matter of fact about it - eg smell in clsssroom - id be matter of fact about it as it takes power away from the upsetting incident

Is teenage kids the current trend at the minute for the bots?

There's been so many super detailed posts about teenage kids the past couple of days it can't be a coincidence

When something similar happened to my teen, she still felt loyal to the mean girls for some reason.
There is a story about life being a very steep hill, and that someone who is a true friend makes the climb easier while others who are not make it even harder than it has to be.
My daughter was able to see that her 'friends' were making the climb harder.
We built a toolkit of strategies for dealing with the meanness, because she felt she couldn't dump them straight away. While that was going on, she joined after school clubs and lunch clubs, slowly but surely, and extricated herself from the friendship. She also encouraged the group to sit near another group of nicer girls and then interacted positively with them. It's taken five half terms but she is now linking up with the nicer girls more than the mean ones, and is significantly happier.
We had to be quite strategic about it though and I had to reign in the lioness mum approach that had me wanting to shred the nasty cows to pieces.
I recommend reading a book called 'Untangled' which describes how teenage girls approach their teen years and independence. It has been super helpful.
Good luck and I hope your daughter is okay.

Build up her confidence and as a poster upthread said - don’t be afraid to move school

It’s bullying. That is not ok and it is not your DD’s fault. Look with her at the Childline website for bullying and for friendship issues.

I understand why you did what you did and said what you said, you are her parent and you want to protect her. I would have done the same. BUT with my child counselling hat on,
when you ask how best to help her, can you try to stand back a bit and be quietly curious about what she has done and why? She will know this isn’t right and these aren’t her friends, but she might need help to accept that and to think about how she can access different friends and interests so that this lot matter less.

If she will report the bullying, that’s great. She might not be ready for that, so rather than stepping in, support her and get her ready to do it herself, it’s empowering that way (and both of you keep a diary in the interim).

And because you are her mum and it’s hard to be objective, please encourage her to access support at school or from organisations like Childline.