Aunt stopped talking to me because of new relationship

[Gemini1992]

Hi all,

Keen to get some perspectives on my situation. I have an aunt that I was quite close to. She has not had an easy life. Difficult childhood, moved abroad when young, abusive relationships, has an illness so she cannot work, has been long term single for circa 10 years and my grandmother who she was close to passed away suddenly and tragically a few years ago which was when her mental health really spiraled.

I always kept in touch with her and would travel to stay with her for a weekend to keep her company as she was lonely would bring her for dinner etc. I was also single last year after a very difficult break up after a LTR and had a horrendous experience in the dating scene to say the least. I am in my early 30's and would like to try and have a family so I did prioritize meeting a partner and puts lots of work into myself and kept trying.

I met my now boyfriend towards the end of last year and he really is an amazing man. Handsome, kind, we want the same future and things are going very well. I was slow to tell people about my relationship because I had situations where the relationship seemed like it was going somewhere and I would end up getting ghosted or they would go back to their ex and honestly it was getting embarrassing so I wanted to make sure we were solid before saying anything to people.

However my mother who doesn't have much tact decided to tell my aunt I was with someone and proceeded to show her a picture of him and kept saying how great he was. My aunt was devasted apparently that I am with someone and told my family she doesn't want to see me anymore or meet him.

Her mental health has really gone downhill and my mother pressed her recently and she said it is partly because of my relationship.

I feel sorry for her because things have not been easy for her and feel bad however I don't think it's fair I should feel so bad because I am now in a relationship. I'm afraid to contact her in case it triggers her but I don't want her to feel alone.

For context I'm early 30's and she is mid-50's so a big age gap. AIBU to keep my distance?

She honestly just needs to get over it, this isn't your problem.

Perhaps she’s just hurt that you didn’t think to mention him to her ? It would feel quite excluding

I need more information - is it that she liked your previous boyfriend and was upset when you broke up (I ask this because decades ago, I remember my mother getting very attached to my brother's girlfriend and sulking massively when he broke up with her)? Or she just doesn't want you to have a partner at all?

Unless there's more to the story, she sounds completely mad. Why on earth wouldn't she just be happy for you? She sounds manipulative and ridiculous.

No she had never even met my previous boyfriend! I think she doesn't want me to be with anyone at all to be honest so she wouldn't be the only single one in the family

Yes I can understand that. The only person I told was my Mum which in hindsight was a mistake. I just wanted to be sure we were exclusive etc. before telling anyone.

You cannot live your life just to keep her happy. Focus on your relationship.

Well, tell your aunt that, if you value the relationship and want to continue it? If you don’t, just ignore.

Sadly it sounds like pure jealousy and possessiveness. She knows that you being in a relationship will mean you will have less time for her. And she probably also feels unhappy about her own single status.

There's not much you can do about how she feels except hope that given time, she will find a way to be happy for you. Don't spend your time worrying about it - you can't control or influence how she feels. Let her be. Concentrate on your own relationship and life and be happy.

I had situations where the relationship seemed like it was going somewhere and I would end up getting ghosted or they would go back to their ex and honestly it was getting embarrassing

It sounds as though there’s been a string of short and rubbish relationships in your life? Is she possibly worried this is going to be yet another one? Do your family counsel you through the aftermaths of these?

The only person who can tell you why she’s had this response is your aunt - you either need to ask or, or leave her alone until she’s ready to talk to you.

I would speak to your Aunt and invite her over for dinner, have a chat, explain why you had told no one. Say that you would like her to meet your new partner. Take it from there.
If she chooses not to engage, whilst it is a shame, you can't control her behaviour. Someone who loves you would be happy to see you happy.

@Gemini1992 I think you need to speak to her yourself. And don't message - have an actual conversation on the phone.

at the moment, all you have is information from other people.

She's just worried that you have chosen another poorly behaved man.
Take a day away from your boyfriend to visit your Aunt.
Visit soon after with your boyfriend.
Let her form an opinion from meeting him.

Also insist on being treated better by your partners.
Don't move in until you know them very well, and their family, and you have a ring or time limit in your own mind, for when the relationship will become one involving formal commitment.
Treat yourself better.
Do you want a life partner and a family?

I'm close to my aunt, I wouldn't have even thought about contacting her purely to tell her I was in a new relationship...she sounds like she'd have had a problem with it regardless.

Sorry OP but it sounds like your Aunt is plain ole jealous.

Her emotions are hers to deal with, they are not your responsibility.

Don't change a thing. Do your thing, enjoy your life. You only have one. Don't be manipulated or guilted into something.

Let aunt open her mouth and use her big girl words if she has an issue. Otherwise let her be. Don't be fighting to see her, calling to see if she will see you, let her be.

Yeah I wouldn’t ask her why tbh - let her come to you.

sounds like you’ve done a lot for her over the years and her behaviour’s just plain wrong and bizarre tbh!!

“My aunt was devasted apparently that I am with someone and told my family she doesn't want to see me anymore or meet him”

So your aunt has been long term single; you have spent time with her and now she doesn’t want to see you. Maybe she is contrasting her situation with yours - you have the gorgeous BF and prospect of family life; she’s in her own and you will necessarily have less time for her. I agree with PPs who say she’s jealous - it’s a bit of a strong reaction to be “devastated” that your niece in her 30’s has got a new BF. She’s a fool, too, to say that she doesn’t want to see you any more or meet him, as she will be the loser over that. If you get married, will she refuse to come to your wedding? Because if so, more fool her.