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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult ADHD? Emotional dsyregulation and rejection sensitivity.

13 replies

ymemanresu · 23/05/2025 07:32

Hi all, I’ve posted here as i can’t find an adult adhd forum, hope that’s ok. Before i explain his behaviour could someone with experience of this topic explain or point me in the right direction, accounts of adult adhd anger outbursts with perceived rejection sensitivity.

Basically behaviour totally out of proportion to the situation. I suspect my DH 55 has adhd. His grandson has diagnosed adhd ( medicated) and grandaughter autism ( from his children ) The reason i’m asking is because i’m thinking where does this cross the line as domestic abuse?

OP posts:
Endofyear · 23/05/2025 07:48

Can you be more specific about his behaviour and give some examples? If his behaviour is abusive, the causes are irrelevant imo. You shouldn't stay with an abusive partner. ADHD isn't an excuse to be abusive. Also, if he's 55, is there a realistic prospect of him changing?

ThirdCoffeeThisMorning · 23/05/2025 07:49

I'll answer as I have a similar experience. I think that in the context of domestic abuse it does not really matter if someone is autistic or ADHD- if they hurt you, it is not ok regardless of 'why', and they are adults with capacity to make choices. I also think RSD and emotional dysregulation are non-specific symptoms that occur in other conditions like personality disorders.

Look after yourself OP.

Pashazade · 23/05/2025 08:25

My DH is AuDHD. He struggles with rejection sensitivity, he has never been aggressive towards me because of it, we occasionally end up in emotional conversations but it has never been prolonged or continued. We discuss and move on. He doesn’t get to treat me badly because of how he feels.

BookArt55 · 23/05/2025 10:52

Kindly, ignore a potential diagnosis. Is his behaviour acceptable to you?
If the answer is no, it is a no.

Even if having adhd gave him a reason or excuse to behave in that way, that diagnosis is part of him, he then isn't going to change so the relationship still isn't right for you.

You're trying g to find an excuse for his behaviour.there is no excuse.

And I say this having a child with adhd and I think I have undiagnosed adhd.

Lizzbear · 23/05/2025 10:54

Following

PetaltotheMedal · 23/05/2025 11:19

The reason i’m asking is because i’m thinking where does this cross the line as domestic abuse?

If he keeps his 'behaviours' for inside the home it has very much crossed the line.

I was starting to wonder if my then husband was on a spectrum of sorts because he could be so erratic and appeared to be unable to handle anything (I now see) that wasn't his choice. He also had perceived rejection and anger issues and reactions hugely disproportionate to situations.

Now that we are apart I can see clearly the pattern of his abuse. They can be so plausible, so believable, we try and explain things away because we are blinded (that is not a criticism) by our love or feelings for them. I had therapy when we split up (because I couldn't understand why I was upset when I was so relieved to be away from him) and the therapist said my ex had strong narcissistic tendencies. I have thought long and hard about the crossover between abuse and narcissism, and I am in no way trying to diagnose your husband @ymemanresu , but looking into narcissism helped me process a lot of what I'd been put through. Dr Ramani is a good source if you want to consider looking into that.

(I know accusations of narcissism are thrown around a lot and the use of the word criticised but for those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse, it's very real and extremely damaging. Not a thing to be taken or spoken of lightly.)

The main thing though @ymemanresu is that if your husband is unkind to you, emotionally or physically, disrespectful, blaming you, it's time to start considering how you can protect yourself. Be careful that if you change your behaviour he may sense it and escalate - keep your cards close to your chest for now. Keep posting, there's always someone here, and Women Aid or other DA charities are there for RL support Flowers

ThirdCoffeeThisMorning · 23/05/2025 11:44

PetaltotheMedal · 23/05/2025 11:19

The reason i’m asking is because i’m thinking where does this cross the line as domestic abuse?

If he keeps his 'behaviours' for inside the home it has very much crossed the line.

I was starting to wonder if my then husband was on a spectrum of sorts because he could be so erratic and appeared to be unable to handle anything (I now see) that wasn't his choice. He also had perceived rejection and anger issues and reactions hugely disproportionate to situations.

Now that we are apart I can see clearly the pattern of his abuse. They can be so plausible, so believable, we try and explain things away because we are blinded (that is not a criticism) by our love or feelings for them. I had therapy when we split up (because I couldn't understand why I was upset when I was so relieved to be away from him) and the therapist said my ex had strong narcissistic tendencies. I have thought long and hard about the crossover between abuse and narcissism, and I am in no way trying to diagnose your husband @ymemanresu , but looking into narcissism helped me process a lot of what I'd been put through. Dr Ramani is a good source if you want to consider looking into that.

(I know accusations of narcissism are thrown around a lot and the use of the word criticised but for those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse, it's very real and extremely damaging. Not a thing to be taken or spoken of lightly.)

The main thing though @ymemanresu is that if your husband is unkind to you, emotionally or physically, disrespectful, blaming you, it's time to start considering how you can protect yourself. Be careful that if you change your behaviour he may sense it and escalate - keep your cards close to your chest for now. Keep posting, there's always someone here, and Women Aid or other DA charities are there for RL support Flowers

I think there are massive overlaps between dysregulation and rejection sensitivity in ND and personality traits (with ND diagnoses' rates overtaking other mental health diagnoses) and that services/clinicians trained in one tend to miss the other. I am however basing this on my own experience and I am aware a lot of people will disagree.

I feel very strongly ND should never be used as an excuse or explanation for abuse.

ItGhoul · 23/05/2025 12:02

If someone is behaving abusively, it doesn't matter whether they have ADHD or not. It's abuse either way.

ItGhoul · 23/05/2025 12:05

If he keeps his 'behaviours' for inside the home it has very much crossed the line.

Hmm, I think this is a little misleading. If he was abusive outside the home and to other people, as well as at home to his wife and kids, that would be just as much domestic abuse as it would be if he saved it just for his family.

Stampsandfoil · 23/05/2025 12:07

I have ASD, ADHD, PTSD and multiple
related issues including rejection sensitivity. I’m also extremely jealous and often find myself behaving in really quite unacceptable ways. My dh knows and understands so although it’s not an excuse it’s to him , a valid reason and we work through it. It’s not great though I think a lot of people would actually be able to put up with it .

PetaltotheMedal · 23/05/2025 12:14

ItGhoul · 23/05/2025 12:05

If he keeps his 'behaviours' for inside the home it has very much crossed the line.

Hmm, I think this is a little misleading. If he was abusive outside the home and to other people, as well as at home to his wife and kids, that would be just as much domestic abuse as it would be if he saved it just for his family.

Yes, that's a very fair point. So often they are street angel, house devil but abusers who don't reserve their abuse for one person are still abusers.

Comtesse · 23/05/2025 12:16

ItGhoul · 23/05/2025 12:05

If he keeps his 'behaviours' for inside the home it has very much crossed the line.

Hmm, I think this is a little misleading. If he was abusive outside the home and to other people, as well as at home to his wife and kids, that would be just as much domestic abuse as it would be if he saved it just for his family.

It is indicative of the level of control involved though. Someone who never has emotional outbursts at work or in public or with other relatives just with their spouse - that for me is more indicative of abuse, because they can clearly control it when required for inappropriate situations.

Mumsfault · 21/03/2026 22:19

I have a similar experience. I often feel scared of my 22 years old adhd son. He shouts very aggressive language and jumps up and down in a terrifying way. I on several occasions i felt my heart was about to stop being deeply hurt upset and scared. I recently composed myself and with my hands on my phone ready to dial 999 I calmly said to him that if he didn't calm down and stop using abusive language then that would count as threatening and abusive behaviour which would need to be dealt with by either the police or the police and ambulance service together and his name will go on the register of domestic abuse perpetrators forever and that would end his academic life and career. Once I said that, he calmed down immediately and tried to deny any wrong doing. That showed me that he has been choosing to behave like that towards me. Every few weeks I have to put my foot down and remain composed while speaking assertively with him asking him to speak with me instead of shouting. He often bursts out with abusive words accusing me of all sorts of things that only exist in his imagination. He recently admitted that he hears my voice telling him things . I am encouraging him to share this with his therapist but I am not sure he will. I discovered recently that he goes around telling people some made up stories about me. To outsiders he is articulate and charming. No one would believe me if I were to say otherwise. I am working on moving out to my own home soon away from his abuse. Sorry for the long post, but I thought it might help someone.

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