How much school hatred is normal?

[Youbutterbelieve]

I honestly don't know if this is normal or not? DS is 9. I know that some after school restraint collapse is to be expected but I don't think to this level.

Every night DS comes home angry and upset. He's generally settled at school and reasonably happy to go in the morning but after school he's moody, upset, angry. At least once a week we have a total meltdown - tears, angry outbursts and sometimes destruction of stuff, throwing toys around, kicking things, saying mean things to his sister. Most nights we have tears and shouting.

How much of this is normal and how do I deal with it? DC2 (6) is not like this at all.

AIBU to think this level is not normal?

No that's not normal. Urgent action needed. Any SEN?

Not okay and he is hating the school experience for a reason. I tutor children, especially those who are school refusers, and there is ALWAYS a negative experience with school. Talk to the school x

It's normal if there's an issue, like sen, finding the work hard, being bullied or feeling like he doesn't have close friends, or feeling the teacher dislikes him.
It's not normal if everything is OK though, so I'd try to work out the cause and look at ways to help.

Yes, not 'normal'. Although not uncommon either. DS (also 9) went through some school refusal earlier this year. His anxiety and worry also comes out as anger (he has had destructive outbursts in the past, although thankfully they've calmed down now, when he's damaged stuff).

Have you asked him what's going on? Is there something going on in the classroom (disruptive kid? Upsetting topic? Something happening soon that he's dreading?)? Is this new? Or has he always disliked school? Any SEN or ND?

I suspect some ND with DS. His sibling and all of his cousins are, so the chances of him not being (statistically) are low.

What we did that helps:

• stopped forcing him to go to school. This was the big one. After literally forcing him to go in, often in tears, for a bit (because everyone says you mustn't let them start missing school as then it will become a habit), I stopped because it just felt so wrong. We took the opposite approach and I said 'Look, I know you don't want to go to school and you're finding that really hard at the moment. I think you can go to school. But I recognise that you find that really difficult at the moment. So I'm going to stop forcing you and I promise I won't make you go to school if you really feel like you can't. It was amazing how this worked to release the pressure. He had a few days off, and I could literally see him decompress in front of me. And then he just started going, voluntarily. So TLDR - try giving him some more control over the situation
• Getting the school involved. DS has a really good teacher that put in place a little timetable of activities that DS would do each day when he got into school so that he had something each day to look forward to.
• Talking about anxiety/ feelings more. Validating his feelings.

Has your DS given you any idea what it is he doesn't like about it? With DS there is one boy in his class who is really disruptive and can be violent, so that doesn't help. But that wasn't the root cause. DS could never really say what it was he didn't like/ why he didn't want to go - it's just a generalised amorphous feeling of not wanting to be there (again, which hints to ND to me). But sometimes there is a more identifiable reason.

There's a FB group called 'Not Fine in School', whicih a lot of people finnd helpful (I didn't particularly - I actually found it overwhelming and it filled me with fear that DS would completely stop going to school forever).

Thanks. He's always been a bit like this, it's has got a bit worse this year. He's not finding work hard, he's a bright kid and enjoys school work on the whole. Friendships are hit and miss.

DS is always a bit on the extremes - things are either great or "worst day ever", there's no in-between!

He's dyslexic and a couple of people (not school) have suggested ND, there's no diagnosis in the family though.

I'll have a chat with him over half term when the immediate pressure of school is not there.

We don't have school refusal in the mornings, he's dressed and ready to go every day.

If he's dyslexic OP then he's already ND. As he already has one ND condition it's quite possible he might also have another. On the other hand there can be some overlap with conditions and he may 'just' be struggling because of his dyslexia.

It may be that the whole school day is a long time of him masking, sensory overload and working extra hard due to his dyslexia. Then he comes home where he feels safe and basically just loses it. I would recommend if he doesn't already that he has something to eat and drink on the way home/as soon as he gets home.

I'd also recommend a very calm, quiet time to decompress when he gets home. When DS was little I used to read to him while he had a snack, as he got older he'd just go to his room and I'd give him time alone doing whatever he liked. I would definitely make sure his siblings are giving him space and time to decompress after school too and hopefully it will all help a bit.

Two friends have 9-year-olds with dyslexia and they both have had period of being very angry (and hating school). So I'd be exploring that avenue more. Both basically felt crap about themselves all the time, because they struggled with things their classmates seemingly found 'easy'.

Not normal in the slightest. Poor him! And you! <3

My son is 9 and also like this. I can completely relate to him as also felt the same. There is nothing “wrong” at school with my son (ie no bullying, doesn’t find work particularly hard, no dyslexia etc etc), and there was nothing “wrong” with me either. But he gets burnt out from it, and so did I. It’s being around that many people all day, having to watch what you say to fit in, having a low level underlying current of anxiety that you’re not coming across as normal, being asked to do things and having to comply even if you don’t really want to do them, etc etc. All day long. It’s exhausting, so maybe your son is just feeling exhausted from all this? The added pressure of having to get through all the lessons with dyslexia is likely meaning he is having to concentrate really hard, which is tiring.

when my son is tired and refuses to go to school I let him stay at home. He needs a day to be alone, with zero demands placed on him, and mentally recharge. The next day he goes in happily again. He probably has one day off every 3 weeks or so because of it. He has adhd.

Dyslexia is considered a neurodiversity already, so it's very much possible that he has other conditions too.

Is he getting help from school with the dyslexia ,dos he have a ehcp?

Does he have processing or working memory issues often co-occurring with dyslexia?

No ehcp, school really don't think it's needed. He does get support with dyslexia, the school put things in place long before his diagnosis and they've generally been brilliant with it.

Yes, working memory was raised as a particular area of difficulty for him in his assessment.

Is he hungry and getting into a bit of a cycle of bad behaviour that it feels different to get out of?

Thanks everyone.

Got a few things to work on and try. Will take a snack and drink to pick up tonight then just give him some time to decompress as soon as we get home.

After half term relaxation I'll look at any issues he may be having.

He literally skipped in to school this morning though. So at least the battle is currently only one end of the day.

Yeah, totally not normal!

My daughter was a bit like this. Bright and academically able. Socially she found things extremely hard. She is autistic and has ADHD. School insisted she needed no extra support than what she had... until she hit total crisis in Y6.

She'd initially just make us late for school, say she didn't want to go, but no huge protests. Then stomach aches and feeling sick in the mornings. Then that settled and the meltdowns and anger after school. By Y4 things were getting worse. We'd got to the point of worrying what do if we couldn't get her into school, and then it was Covid lockdown which was a huge relief for me at the time. she made it very clear she could never go back. She tried another even smaller primary school for Y5 and 6 but crashed out of school by the first half term of Y6. She'd be y9 now and is very much not okay (or in any form of education).

I would strongly recommend you try and get some more support in place for your son now. Movement breaks, instructions in smaller steps, visual prompts, whatever else he needs.