Mother..

[BonneMaman77]

My mother is 83 and still lives in the country I am from and I travel to see her every year. I abused when I was a child by a cousin started at 6 for 6-7 years. I told her this when I was 20 and she did nothing, aside from so was she and that is life. At one point the abuser visited home country and she told me the bastard visited her and gifted her some money. I told her to return in and to never tell me anything about the bastard again. Well she continued and we had shouting matches for a few months over it and I finally said if he does so again I’ll never call her and she stopped.

Last week another cousin got married and mother sent over 8 photos, none of the bride and groom but were some of the other family who attended and one of the bastard. I am furious. It set me back the last few days, can’t focus or sleep. I hate talking to her anyway and so I am wanting to just cut contact now.

IBU: she’s old and let it go and keep talking to her
INBU: it was 8 photos so she actually looked at them and so she should not have sent it

It seems like she just hasn't got the message, has she? How important is it to you to maintain a relationship with your mother? What do you get out of seeing her or keeping in contact? You made it very clear that you don't want to hear any news about him, and she has ignored that by sending you the photo (who doesn't include a shot of the bride and groom when sharing wedding photos? - that is very odd in itself!)
Are you prepared to follow through with your threat to cut contact and how do you think you would feel if you did it?

Blimey, that’s terrible op, I’m so sorry. She isn’t listening to you so far, so is unlikely to start now. If you are indeed prepared to go NC I would do that. If that’s too far, go LC and reemphasise she must not mention this man in any context. I hope you are ok.

Cut her off.

Your happiness and sanity are your responsibility and she’s not bringing you either of those so get rid.

She didn’t really want me I didn’t feel loved throughout my childhood. At somepoint when I was in my 20s she told me a few
things that validated my feelings growing up. I boxed all of that and put it away and it all
came out in a flood during therapy when my first marriage ended. It was like I’d shut it away to protect myself for so long and since it came out I’ve hated her.

I think I will feel guilty if I do cut off altogether. I have a sibling, we get on well generally, they know some of this but will probably make excuses for her like her age and she may not have noticed the bastard. If sibling says that which I expect 90% then I’ll be furious with them too. Sibling is not a fan of mother but can’t be arsed to be in the middle of “ishooos”.

I don’t know what multitude of emotions will follow. I’d rather be pissed off with her and make her feel ignored than suffer with guilt? That may be an option

I am so sorry. Your mum is the one person that should have your back and want to protect you from pain. I am truly sorry you have not had that support and understanding from her. I think it would be totally understandable for you to cut ties to protect your own wellbeing xx

Thank you all for the support!
She’s the one person whose behaviour throughout that has held me back from even feeling I deserved anything. My life has changed considerably since acknowledging her behaviour and she and her views have not mattered in my life since. I’ve since then owned my life and choices and have ignored
her many views to make a life that I love and am happy in now.

I am still guilted into what I owe her as my mother. With family that are traditional i that I owe her my being and all the good I have and of course not many know her in the way I do! She behaved as I said about the abuser. She said I should go back to the first husband who cheated on me. That’s all the self worth she thought I deserved.