To not be responsible for this...

[Jellyrose20]

My husband is historically crap at thanking people for gifts/ cards.
We have two children and every time his family send my daughter or son a gift/ card my father in law messages me to ask me to thank them or to ask my husband to thank them because "he's no good at doing that kind of thing.
Whilst I'm grateful for their efforts I do feel this is my husband's responsibility as it is his family and I have enough mental load I carry.
Would I be unreasonable to reply saying I'd appreciate it if he communicated with my husband directly about this kind of thing as I have enough to remember/ do without having to remind him to do his own jobs.

How old are your kids? Surely you should be telling them to thank the gift giver? And just because it’s your husband’s family, teaching kids to accept gifts graciously and say thanks is just basic parenting-so you should both be making sure this happens

One is a baby and one is 5. When it's my family I get her to send a video note or help her type a message/ ring. And face to face I always encourage verbal gratitude.
I'm also aware though I should be teaching gender neutrality in responsibility and feel if I take on my husbands load it not only adds to my load but sends a message its women's work.

Also historically I have been the one to thank his family/ support my daughter to thank them but its starting to irk me

As I agree it's both our job as a parent, but there is never an expectation from him to be responsible for thanking my family.

In my experience it seems that sometimes one parent is better at doing some things and the other makes up for it in other ways. He might find other aspects more his ‘thing’ and this is not one of them. Maybe that’s not the case here.

So there's what you do WRT your DH and what your kids see.

I think it's fine to remind your DH to do it, but your kids don't see that so they see the job shared.

I guess thanking for gifts is different to other tasks, because it is part of good etiquette towards outsiders. If you don't do this, your DH's behaviour actually impacts his kids and his parents.

Annoying though.

No! Every single time tell FiL to remind him himself. It took me years to get mine to not see me as the Keeper Of Manners, your husband is a grown man and can shoulder his share. If his behaviour impacts how your kids are seen then HE needs to change, not just have you add to your mental load to make everyone look lovely.

Also...if he is not good at basic manners like saying thank you...maybe ask MiL to tell FiL they did a crap job? 😀

I think it depends on if he's an equal parent and partner in other ways - if this is a rare blind spot for him and he fully pulls his weight in other ways I would take on the reminding of the kids and the thank yous and so forth as in isolation it's hardly a lot of work and it would be a shame for the kids relationship with their grandparents to be impacted by it.

If however he's a lazy arse and sees the totality of the mental load and/or emotional burden of maintaining family relationships and general teaching of manners and so forth to be 'women's work' and lets you do more than your fair share across the board, you need a bigger conversation than just who texts granny to say thank you for the Easter eggs?

I can’t fathom this. It’s pretty basic to make sure your kids grow up with good manners. I can’t imagine letting things slide half the time because that’s your husbands side of the family. It’s about making sure you bring your kids up properly, not appeasing the ILs.

“FIL, I agree with you, DH is very discourteous not thanking you for your kind gifts, but please contact him directly about such things in future, your role as parent is to teach your child manners, and there’s still time; I believe in you! You can do it! Trust in yourself FIL, your parenting skills still have time to improve! I’ll let DH know to expect a message/call from you.”

Your FIL is contacting you to get you to organise your DCs thank you back to the FIL? That seems weird.
Maybe he’s intervening by passing on a message to thank other family members?

In any case, just say ‘the kids love the gift. DH is doing the thank yous this time so you’ll need to chase him up if he’s not already done it’ and refuse to engage any further.

This !!! 👏