That’s it really..

[GiggleWiggle246]

I’ll try & keep it short. Was on the phone to my mum on loudspeaker & my brothers GF was with her. I’d recently upgraded a home appliance and asked my mum if she would like the older appliance. She reminded me she already had it but then immediately asked BGF if HER mum would like it. A woman I’ve never met, my mum has a few times and they get on well. Before I could say anything she quickly said yes of course! It’s not a cheap appliance, £150+ and was recently replaced by the company and I’d used it once before getting the upgrade. My plan was if my mum didn’t want it I’d offer it to my MIL. Now that’s out the window and I feel obliged to give it to BGF for her mum.

Am I just being really unreasonable? My mum has form for things like this. She announced my pregnancy to family members before I got a chance to and cried on my wedding day because she didn’t know my IL’s.

What is it?

The newer version is a 3 in one where as the older one was just a one job item. I’d used the previous one before the replacement weekly for about a year so it wasn’t just a throwaway buy.

Of course it makes sense, try reading the OP's posts again. Slowly.

You misread my post. The original machine was used at least weekly, it then broke and I was sent a replacement. I’d used the replacement ONCE before getting the upgraded machine. It’s really not that deep and that’s not what the post is about.

So the op had one for a year and used it weekly
after one year of use bought another, which op used just once before an upgrade

correct?

Ah got it

goodness three in one year!

Why were you given an upgraded model out of interest?

A carpet cleaner. The previous one was a spot cleaner where as the new version is a whole carpet cleaner along with the in built spot cleaner so I’ve no use for the smaller spot cleaner now. Thanks for clearing up the confusion, not sure why it’s relevant if I’d used it once or 100 times. Nothing to do with the post 😂

I bought the upgraded model shortly after they sent out the replacement as I realised I needed something that didn’t do just one job in the house.

I was sent a replacement of the original product as the original one broke. I then bought the upgrade myself.

I voted YABU because you sound like a bit of a wet blanket.

“sorry mum if you didn’t want it MIL is next in line”.

you don’t need to agonise over this and you definitely don’t need to give your item to some woman you’ve never met

Have You sent the message yet op?

It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to have addressed at the time.
however given you didn’t, I now wouldn’t

I’m guessing you and your mother don’t have the best of relationships?

Not really agonising just a bit annoyed about it all.

We’re quite close in some aspects and then others she can be quite difficult. She likes to be centred and main character a lot of the time. Usually I’d put up with it but a few times I’ve called her out and then I look like the villain.

My mum has form for things like this. She announced my pregnancy to family members before I got a chance to and cried on my wedding day because she didn’t know my IL’s.

pretty ghastly sounding woman by the sounds of it

I never get these relationships. Deeply unpleasant mothers. And yet all very enmeshed in one another’s lives. I would not want someone like this in my life, let alone in my children’s

Only awkward if you make it awkward OP. Agree with PP to quit the people pleasing and say no, communicate that it would’ve gone to your MIL if mum didn’t want it. It’s not rude, it’s assertive and clear.

I think you're overthinking this. Just forget about it - the chances are the BGF will never actually ask for the darned thing - she was probably just being agreeable.

Next time you see your mum in person have a chat with her and explain that if you offer something to her it's with the intent that she have it - not that she then offer it around to other people. That said: if you gift something to someone then it's theirs to do whatever they want with. If you don't want that to happen then don't gift it to them in the first place. Or - knowing your mum is a generous sort - in the unlikely event this happens again say "mum, I have X thing that I've upgraded - so and so has expressed an interested in it, but I wanted to see if you wanted it first." That way you've already got someone else lined up and she can't offer it.

Seems like you need to be a bit more guarded with what you say to your mum, and/or be a bit more forthright in your expectations. For example: with your birth announcement, she was understandably excited and wanted to tell the whole universe - if you didn't want her to say something then you should have told her (or, if she has form for being a chatterbox then just understand that there was a strong likelihood that she would tell others, so not to expect her to be able to keep that info to herself). Your complaints about crying on your wedding day seem a bit overwraught: people get emotional on those days and have no idea what might make them have a weep. If she hadn't met your ILs before and thought they were complete twits then of course she'd be worried about you marrying into that family and have a bit of a weep - she may not even have known beforehand that such a thing would bother her as much as it did. It would have been a good idea to introduce them to each other ahead of the wedding anyway - plenty of opportunity to do that via Facetime or Skype if they live far away - even if they live in another country.

If you're continuing to have problems communicating with your mum then a therapist/coach can likely help give you strategies for managing both her - and your own expectations. Doing the same thing and expecting a different result is never going to work.

I felt like if I’d have said oh hold on I’ve promised it to my MIL if mum didn’t want it mum would have said “well what’s the difference between me and GF mum?

I don't really see why that would have been a problem. You could have just said something like "No disrespect, BGF, but it's in my interests to keep my MIL happy" or "I don't know your mum, I do know MIL and I know she'd like it".

Good response but OP was taken by surprise and didn’t have time to think. Fortunately theres still time for ‘sorry turns out that DH has already offered it to his mum if my mum doesn’t want it’.

As others have said, just message mum and say DH has promised it to MIL. I'd also tell her in future don't offer your stuff to other people you don't know!

This.

I'd get in touch and say, ah sorry about that but.....

Oh. Carpet cleaner. I was trying to think of things you'd use infrequently but that were portable... didn't think of that.

I used to own a carpet cleaning company with huge machines 🤣

definitely just tell your mum you're giving it to DH's mum, leave her to sort it out with BGF, your mum can lend hers to her!!

One of those mumsnet mother / daughter relationships where neither person seems to seem to really like the other, let alone love!