To have safety concerns when DH looks after DC?

[safetyfirst1]

First time mom here with a 6 week old. I'm really struggling with a situation and could use some perspective or advice from those who've been there.

My husband keeps doing things with our six week old DC that concern me safety-wise, and when I bring them up, he often dismisses my concerns or argues instead of listening. A few examples:

• He repeatedly feeds our DC while the baby is lying almost flat on his back. I've told him numerous times this is dangerous, even shown him pictures from baby books about proper upright feeding position, but he claims "he's at a 25° angle" and "the baby likes it." He's not even holding the baby during feeds - just lying DC down and holding only the bottle. After I told him not to do it he said he did an experiment himself and drank lying down and it was fine?!!

• When I mentioned the TV light distracts DC at bedtime (9-10pm), instead of moving baby to his room as I suggested, he just put a blanket over the carry cot!!!

• He swaddles him loosely and I have told him it must be tight and even bought a sleep bag instead which he won't use as he says it's rubbish and even though I've offered to show him how to swaddle says he knows.

• He refuses to believe that bouncers and car seats are for half hour only as he found something that said two hours and after I told him and researched it's for older children he still continues to say it's rubbish!

Things got especially awkward when my mom visited recently and noticed the feeding position issue. She called him out on it, and the whole situation became really tense and uncomfortable. Clearly what he's doing isn't right as others wouldn't have noticed (I hadn't said anything). My mom spoke to him in a way that was rude though and I don't know how to make their relationship better as it seems to have worsened since DC came along. She was out of order and he was the way he spoke to her. They keep bickering when she visits about things related to DC Equally, he shouldn't do these things or am I being fussy? How do I approach this between them?

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Any advice is appreciated.

How frustrating for you. I haven't any advice but hopefully bumping your post.

Get your health visitor to speak to him about feeding and cars travel

@Advent0rangethank you

@HeyPooPooHeadtheyre no longer coming and he wouldn’t listen anyway sadly

This is nuts. He sounds vile. Your child is not safe. Do not leave baby with him. I had to be there full time till they went school. He was dismissive of me too. At times I felt he was careless. Not on purpose but through being an idiot. Think hard before having another kid with this man child.

If I saw my DS feeding a baby in the way you describe I’d bollock the living daylights out of him. A baby needs to be held properly - and as for the rest, words fail me. He really is a moron. Perhaps he might want to reflect on this. The one problem I had with DH was his habit of having baby DS on the settee with him when he was likely to nod off. He gaslit the hell out of me, accusing me of being ridiculous etc. We ended up in a French A&E unit when DS 6 months old rolled off the caravan seat and banged the back of his head on the floor when DH nodded off having insisted I get my shower. This time it was the French doctor who delivered the stern telling off. I followed up with a whispered furious bollocking when both DC were in bed, and I sat up all night to check DS every 2 hours as instructed.

Lesson: never let your DH gaslight you into thinking you might be too strict on safety. In your case, you are right and he is very wrong.

Re. car seat times, my understanding is it's 30 mins max for the first four weeks of baby's life and 2 hours max thereafter.

OP you're not being too fussy, your baby needs looking after and you're the best person for the job

So your DH wants to be hands on but won't ask how best to feed or handle your baby when he obviously has no clue. This can't go on

Health visitors might not be visiting routinely but will they come out if you contact them to ask for support regarding your husband's behaviour?

Hope things turn round for you 🌹

@takealettermsjonesthank you. Some say until they lift their head up but yes some do say that thanks for clearing up, but why didn’t he just show me something that says this instead of argue and be defiant. It’s annoying when I’m just trying to do what’s best for our child

@Done2muchi worry i will push DH out and they will not bond. I’m also aware first year couples argue lots and let’s say it got worse then I may not have a clue what he’s doing when I’m not there. So feel I need to tread v carefully in how I handle this.

DH is also neurodivergent and very stubborn which does not help at all

I've not much idea how to help but I do feel for you.

To state the obvious - Doing something risky and nothing going wrong doesn't change the fact that you're taking an (extra) risk. You just got away with it.

I'm a trained swallowing therapist, though i dont work with children. Eating or drinking lying on your back is an extra risk. It just is - you can see it if you look at the anatomy and think about gravity. The fact that it was OK one time or a hundred times doesn't change that it's an extra risk.

A friend of a friend squashed down her instincts and didn't give her partner grief about not turning saucepan handles/pushing saucepans to the back of the hob. Her child got badly scalded.

I think you should get a lot tougher. Why are YOU worrying about trying to get health visitors in? Tell him what you want to happen - take the baby if you need to - and when he kicks off, tell him to find a health visitor who will back him up and you'll listen (random TikToker doesn't count). If he starts shouting at you, go to another room.

I know all that about 'don't become the expert on the baby' but imo that only applies where your partner isn't already a dumb know it all.

Parenting with a ND spouse is a challenge sometimes. Mine couldn't be left alone with young children at all. He couldn't keep attention on them at an age where they need constant supervision. It does get easier as they get older though.

My DH was like this. Nearly caused a divorce. I think a lot of people think anyone can raise a baby, and they can, but there is no reason to not follow simple guidelines. Maybe choose one source of information and stick to that, eg NHS website. That applies both of you. It will improve.

Tell him to lie down flat on the sofa while you shove his dinner into his mouth.

Your child isn’t safe around him. What if he looked after the child and you were not there, would you have concerns? He could kill your child. Don’t take that risk and make him see sense. Being stubborn and ND is not an excuse.

You have an arrogant selfish, uncaring idiot for a DH.

I did too and had lots of similar conversations until he insisted his (small) dog loved DS and wouldn't bite. He was wrong, DS ended up in a&e which was totally his fault, and then we left.

As for your MIL, leave her to voice her very justified concerns for her grandchild. Stop pandering to DH. Maybe it will get through his gormless skull that he in knowingly and intentionally endangering his own child.

(and breath....)

Just make sure you do all the feeding. Every time.
I am worried about the safety of your baby now.

I know everyone is different and neurodivergence presents differently in each person but I do find it interesting that you never hear about neurodivergent mums not being able to be left alone with their dc. Or of nd mums getting distracted when young dc need full attention for safety. Of course there are rare cases where people with significant additional needs have children, but here we are taking about people who are able to hold down jobs and get married and live independently. Funny it’s always the men who are affected this way. Must be something to do with having a penis or vagina

The neurodivergence is BS. He can channel that into being an obsessive rule follower know it all and instead he’s being a danger.

"he wouldn't listen anyway"

there's your issue.

You can ask them to come and they will be quite firm since he's ignoring basic safety guidance

Yes!
Please don't let your stupid, arrogant DH feed the baby. Let him bond while changing nappies instead.