To not buy presents for sibling

[Woodywoodpecker321]

I have three siblings. One lives at the other end of the country and always remembers my birthday and sends me a gift. My other siblings are local, one who I get on well with always forgets, every year without fail. Sometimes a gift may turn up late but most of the time never. It's disappointing. My youngest sibling has also forgotten and not sent anything at all. This sibling is very self centered and egotistical.

It's really not about receiving a birthday gift but feeling fed up now of always remembering their birthdays, wishing them happy birthday and sending a gift, but not receiving the same treatment from them back (I don't even get a thank you). It makes me feel they couldn't care less about me. My mum makes excuses for them that they're so busy but aren't we all in our way? It only takes a few moments and a few clicks to send something online.

So AIBU to not buy them gifts for their birthdays this year? Same treatment back. It's my youngest siblings big birthday coming up soon and I know they will be put out because it's all about them but I'm fed up with the one way relationships and being treated like rubbish.

Here's a great opportunity to match their energy and just not bother. You will feel so liberated. Send a Happy birthday text and leave it at that.

My brother was abit shit about remembering mine and DH’s birthday. One year I’d enough i sent him and his wife a text on their birthdays but sent nothing else. Ever since he has remembered.

I can imagine it feeling liberating not sending anything 😊 my mum will definitely be asking me what I have bought for my sibling but rather than saying nothing and explaining why because she'll turn it around on me and say I am being unreasonable, I'll tell her I haven't sorted it yet or something along those lines!

Definitely stop sending presents and cards!

Send a text and tell your mum you have sorted it, that’s all.

Yes you can use her own words and tell her you haven’t got round to it yet because you’re sooo busy…

In your shoes, I would probably continue to send cards just to show you’re the bigger/better person but not bother with gifts anymore.

Yep, agree with this.

Go for it! You have reason on your side, you don't have to make a big thing of it, just say you're following their lead.

If they don't like it, they know what to do ( i. e. buy you a (nice) pressie on your next birthday, or do without on theirs.

If the sibling forgot once, I think it’s a bit harsh to entirely skip a present on a big birthday as it may have been a genuine oversight.

For the sibling who never buys, just stop sending presents too and don’t feel even slightly guilty about it!

So your mum is the problem? Pressuring you to honour their birthdays but not doing the same for you?

Perhaps it is time to push back with her on this matter - a simple "I'm not gonna buy birthday presents for people who don't do the same for me". Repeat, then change the subject when the protestations start.

You have hit the nail on the head here that it is an issue with my mum too. She very much has her favourite children and there's a lot of double standards.

Been there. They never want to take sides but ...they can be very good at emotional blackmail. If they cba with your birthday, you don't need to justify why you're doing the same.

I agree with you about not telling your mum. She'd probably buy her something on your behalf or say its a joint present.

I would continue to send a present to the sibling who sends to you, but ignore the other two. Send a card, to show that you haven't forgotten.
Fwiw, I didn't send my sister gifts when she had children. I then bought gifts for the children instead. Now I don't buy gifts for the children, but for for their children! If I lived near my sister, I would probably take her out for dinner on her birthday but I genuinely don't see the need for exchanging "stuff" just for the sake of it.

All the more reason to nip this in the bud sooner rather than later.

"Here's a great opportunity to match their energy"

Yep, I now this to family, DM asked me this year if I wanted lunch out (think garden centre) or a money in the bank. I asked for both, she has plenty of money. She gave me a tinkling laugh of 'dont be silly' so I chose the money. Her birthday was last week and I gave her the same option. She chose garden centre.

Frankly I'd happily buy her lunch out and a nice present in the garden centre but on principal I'm not doing it.

Matching energy with siblings is the right way of dealing with this

nb or maybe not, she told my DD tonight she's changing her will (again) and I'm in for a shock when she dies.

Save the money and buy yourself something nice.
My elder dsis has 3 children (grown up now )who I bought presents for years but I never got a thank you.
So I stopped. Their mother isn't so hot on saying thank you either so it must have rubbed off on them

Just stop giving presents.

Not everyone is invested or interested in the whole gift giving thing.

Stop buying gifts. I don’t buy for my adult siblings. It’s too much. I have more than enough people to buy for already. I love a gift from my partner. My mum buys me an outfit every year (this isn’t optional, I’ve asked her to stop but she won’t so I have given up and choose one now). 2 close friends buy me small presents. That is more than enough!
I don’t get gifts from my teenagers as I would prefer a text/ phone call/ to see them/ a cup of tea.
Me and my siblings stopped gift buying when my sister was really struggling financially. We got her a birthday present and said let’s stop gifts for adults now. So she didn’t buy us anything going forward and it just stopped which was a relief for all. She is better off now but no one wants to re start it.

Why are you unreasonable but they’re busy?

Maybe ask why she makes excuses for them but not you

Mother – what have you bought xxxx for their birthday ?

You – same as they bought me 😊