Meet bereaved friend and cancel Birthday tomorrow?

[Anonymous2029]

It’s one of my best friends birthdays tomorrow, we had arranged to spend the day together with our youngest children, her husband is pretty useless and I know that it won’t be turned into a special day for her if I don’t meet her.

Another friend of mine lost her mum 2 days ago. I offered to see her whenever she needed / chat etc. She’s just messaged that she really wants to meet tomorrow.

Can I I cancel on my best friends birthday? I feel so bad but feel my other friend needs me more?

You can’t do both?

If not, I’d cancel. Hopefully birthday friend will understand.

Can you spend a couple of hours with your bereaved friend and then the rest of the day with your birthday friend?

I think it's OK to say you are busy and give bereaved friend another date?

Try to fit them both in if you possibly can.

could you pop to see your bereaved friend earlier in the day, or in the evening? Or offer the day after?
I get that she needs you and you want to help, but I’m not sure it is fair to cancel other friend’s plans so late

Difficult to do both due to distances and school drop / pick sadly.

Keep your existing commitment. Bereaved friend will likely be okay and you can see her another time.

Birthday is a one off. Grief is a marathon.

(I say that as a widow having experienced a traumatic death)

I think I’d stick with the original plans, it’s such short notice to drop your friend at 9pm the night before her birthday.

I never change plans.You were already booked for tomorrow,stick with that plan.

Could you see the birthday friend in the evening/afternoon after school? With your older kids and get a take away/make supper together and see the other friend during the day

This is sensitive, so I wouldn't be making any arrangements by message, I'd pick up the phone.

First I'd call the birthday friend to see how she would feel about moving your meet up given the circs, just in case.

Then I'd call the bereaved friend.

Ideally I'd want to maintain the meet-up with the birthday friend but find time for a long phone chat with the bereaved friend tomorrow and fix up something face-to-face in the coming days too.

That’s a good idea I can definitely suggest that

You need to see your friend with the birthday. It’s too late and too disappointing to cancel on her at this late stage. Bereaved friend will surely understand if you explain that you already have a commitment, but you’ll see her as soon as you can.

Agree with @FloraBotticelli Stick with your plans with birthday friend and rearrange bereaved friend for day after. Grief is indeed a marathon. One day won’t make a difference in the grand scheme of things for your bereaved friend but a birthday is a one off. And it feels really shitty when friends prioritise other stuff over already made birthday plans

While it's a tricky one. Not knowing what your bereaved friend is like.

If I was the one that had lost their mum and you messaged me saying you'd already got plans I'd genuinely want you to go and make the birthday girls day a special one.

Please don't cancel birthday friend. Bereaved friend will understand either "not tomorrow" or "is tomorrow evening OK?".

I've been both friends and I think the birthday friend would be heartbroken as they have been looking forward to it. Bereaved friend would feel worse if they knew they were taking you from birthday friend.

I'd cancel. It's not ideal, but I've been the bereaved friend and another friend dropping all plans to support me meant more than I could possibly explain.

I wouldn’t cancel on your birthday friend. Not at this notice. I’m sure you can support bereaved friend another day.

Gosh this is a difficult one.

Do birthday friend and bereaved friend know eachother or know of eachother in any way?

If I was birthday friend, I'd be happy to rearrange for you to support bereaved friend.

My best friends partner recently died through tragic means, and she's told me it's really hard to reach out to people and when she's reached out to family it's because she's desperate but they all seem to not see that part and try and rearrange, so when we meet it's because she really needs someone to lean on and stop her brain going into those dark places.

I haven't been in a position where I've been torn between these 2 commitments though, and I can completely understand that some people would feel betrayed to have plans changed last minute, but I think for me personally I'd want to be there to support a friend in dire need of comfort.

What a fork in the road though. I'm sorry you're facing a difficult choice OP.

I’m really surprised at some of the responses on here. If I was the birthday friend I’d be horrified to think my best friend couldn’t rearrange for fear of upsetting me in this type of scenario. Birthdays come around again and so what if you celebrate another day?

I think asking for help is incredibly hard and you never know how much your friend might need you so I’d prioritise that - particularly as it’s still so recent.

I agree with the poster that said pick up the phone - that way you’ll know better how it does land and how:if you need to adjust.

I would stick with the birthday plans.