Too close for comfort....

[Petuniaspetal]

I have a life long friend. We are both retired. I moved to our childhood area several years ago. My friend had married had children ( now adults) and is now investigating moving back here too.

As much as I love my friend, I am dreading it. She is high energy, I am not. I like my own company , she is more gregarious and outgoing than me. She also isn't great at respecting my boundaries. I have had a year long battle of wills to get to the point she doesn't phone me before 9 am and late at night. So far this has held for about 2 months but she wasn't happy.

When I am with her and out and about its fine but if I've been with her for a couple of hours why need to phone me the next day for an hour.

She has grandchildren and a husband she likes.

My problem is that I'd she moves here she will just 'pop in ' willy nilly'. I know I sound like a miserable cow but I've lived on my own for years and like some company but also love my solitude .

AIBU?

Be prepared...install blinds, a ring doorbell and garden gates... Or fill her with tales of woe about the area having gone to the ddogs...

Can you not just put your phone on silent or do not disturb if you want it to ring for certain people but not her? She's going to be a pain though, you're right.

Another post already with ideas on how to do anything but actually deal with the problem by talking to her.

You can't spend your life making excuses not to see her, just be honest with her

Any clubs she can join? I think you need to be honest, make it clear before she moves that you are a solitary creature.

Talk to her about arrangements but be really clear and firm. Give her clear guidance on when and when you are not available and if she steps out of that, don’t answer the door or pick up the phone.
It’s a bit brutal and might kill the friendship, so be prepared for that.

IME, true friends respect my boundaries and the reverse is also true. Your friend is a social steamroller by the sound of it - oblivious to the feelings of others in pursuit of her own wants and needs.

If she causes you so much angst, perhaps you need to step back and consider why her friendship is important to you.

You could start putting boundaries in place by having Caller ID on your phone so you'll know not to answer it unless you feel like talking to her.

She also isn't great at respecting my boundaries. I have had a year long battle of wills to get to the point she doesn't phone me before 9 am and late at night.

I think the real issue is you aren't great at enforcing your boundaries? You don't need a battle of wills, just tell her if she does it again you will have to block her number.

If she comes to your house uninvited, tell her it's not convenient.

She's not going to change.

While being a very kind and generous person she can be very bloody minded. The phone issue did take me to the point of being rudely honest and I did block her number from ringing at certain times of the morning and evening eventually, although she didn't know this. I didn't tell her because I figured it would drive her to use other methods to contact me!

I know that when she moves here I will just have to be brutal, yes it could well affect our friendship, it will be a battle to establish boundaries. I'm setting some groundwork now telling her my routines morning and evening so that at least i hope she knows that that will be sacrosanct and respected. Hopefully.

As for whether she knows if I'm solitary, she definitely does, to the point that we laugh about how 'odd' I am about not really wanting to be so sociable anymore.

We have known each other a long time so I hope that she eventually realises that as much as her friendship is important to me so is my need for periods of solitude and just quiet.