To want to confront my ex-colleague?

[Cactus999]

Hello,
Sorry for a long post, but in order to make myself clear, I must provide as many details as possible.

This happened in May 2020 but I still haven’t forgotten what my ex-colleague (let’s call her Lily) had done. I’m an Eastern European female, in my 20’s, and Lily is a British female in her early 50’s. We both worked in a warehouse which I now left a while ago. Lily was very afraid to catch Covid, and that possibly caused her crazy behaviour during the incident I’ll describe below.

That day I nipped into one of workplace toilets. The toilet was tiny, with 3 cubicles, the middle cubicle locked and marked as per Covid requirements, those on my left and on my right were not, and max 2 people allowed to be in the toilet at once. When I came in, Lily was washing her hands in the sink and clearly saw me in the mirror but said nothing. The door of the cubicle on my left was open, so I somehow ‘automatically’ got in. After I was done, I went to the sink; Lily was still standing there, with a very angry facial expression… and suddenly lashed out at me. First she pointed to the cubicle on my right and said there was someone sitting there! I had a quick look at the door lock; its indicator was red, which meant the cubicle was engaged (if green, then not engaged), so yeah, there was someone there. Lily then started yelling and slagging me off for ‘breaking the rules, as there are now 3 people in the toilet’, ‘how dare you be so irresponsible and put your colleagues at risk’ and so on. I asked her why the hell she hadn’t told me she wasn’t alone in the toilet when I was entering it, I would have waited in the corridor then, I couldn’t see through the cubicle door whether there was someone inside, I couldn’t see the red indicator as well because it’s very tiny and my vision is not the best. Lily absolutely refused to listen, she just talked over me, threw loads of insults and then left.

I was so ‘inflamed’ that I grabbed the toilet door harshly, stuck my head out to the corridor and shouted to Lily’s back in a very mocking tone: ‘OH MY GOOOOOOD, WHAT A BIG DEAL!!!’ Nearly all the people that happened to be around burst into laughter, Lily got even angrier and rushed to the managers’ room. The manager I’d been reported to took Lily’s side and warned me that if I did anything like that again, I’d face disciplinary for breaking Covid rules… She also took a massive dislike to me, and I never regained her favour.

Now that I’ve accidentally found out where Lily lives, I’m tempted to send her a letter in which I’d tell her what a nasty person she is and that it was her fault I’d lost any chance to be promoted at work… and I want to write something like ‘You clown, if you had been so afraid of Covid, then you should have quit the warehouse and found a job doable at home!’

Would this kind of action be reasonable? Also, who was right and who was wrong?

I find it hard to believe that this is the greatest injustice to have happened to you in the last 5 years. You both overreacted. What would writing to her achieve? What would you want her to do? How likely is that to happen and would it actually make you feel any better?

My actual problem is that the manager had put all the responsibility on me and disregarded what I had to say. She firmly insisted that I should have started talking first and asked Lily: 'Excuse me, are you the only person here?'

Is this some kind of weird social norm that I didn't understand?

It's over!!

Write yourself a letter then bin it, it was years ago, how did you find out where Lily lived

I think it’s a bit odd that you’re carrying this around after all this time, especially seeing as you have a new role now?

just what would it achieve? If anything you’re more likely just to make things worse for yourself.
write the letter if it makes you feel better, but don’t send it.

We both live in the same small town. I recently walked past some houses and saw how she unlocked the door and went in. So I guess she lives there.

Let’s do The Timewarp again ….

Don't do it as she will have evidence and that could backfire.

Okaaaaay…

Can a letter really backfire if it's not offensive or threatening, but just mocking?

Yes, it could even be criminal.

I had to double check the date this was posted 🤦🏽‍♀️ FFS you are being unreasonable.
i also doubt that over a 5 year period its still the reason you’ve not been promoted….id maybe start considering other possible factors in that!

Id' be srprised if anyone remembered the incident or the OP after 5 years, I doubt any of them have been stewing as long as the OP.

it was her fault I’d lost any chance to be promoted at work

It was your own fault because of the way you reacted to the situation. Getting promoted means managing difficult situations and difficult people. You showed how you would handle both and it was poorly.

Can you reframe this as 'was n't COVID crazy times to live in'
There's been threads here in the past where we to asked about the stuff we did or worried about.
My neighbour wouldn't pat my much loved dog and the dog just didn't understand.
DH at work had people recruited, worked and left all without making a cup of tea for them or having lunch together.
It was really strange times 🤯 that was your strange story, it must seem crazy when you're in a row of a dozen public toilets all busy that you were once disciplined for being accidentally three, work bubbled, people rather than two.

Remember it with disbelief, reframe it away from the individuals.

OP I know it was unpleasant and I still have a grievance with my former employer and often still get angry about it but I know dragging it back up isn’t going to achieve anything

Rumination is a horrible thing and so hard to break free from. It does seem to indicate underlying mental health issues and I hope you can move forwards positively.

Dont let the b*tches drag you down!

Don’t write a letter that’s unhinged. You both behaved poorly, it was 5 years ago, move on.

I hoped after reading the first post that tjs was going to be some sort of reverse. But it clearly isn't.

You're unhinged if a) You're letting this bother you 5 years later to the extent that b) you want to send a mocking letter to her. I'd consider you genuinely mentally unwell if I got that from you.

She won't care about your silly letter beyond thinking you're unhinged and possibly contacting the police.
Pull your shit together.

Of course you shouldn't do it.

I don't see why I'm considered to have acted poorly. Lily was the one afraid of Covid, yet she failed to protect herself from me, 'a potential virus carrier', by not asking me to wait in the corridor. She was also outrageous enough to shout and put all the blame on me, and when I defended myself, she ran to her 'mommy manager' to cry and complain. It was her who started all this nonsense, so I think all that was entirely her fault.

You’re yelling at her through a door in front of people, you both behaved poorly like a bunch of teenagers but just move on. Letting this live rent free in your head where you are considering writing a letter and talking about it here, is bonkers, if it’s eating you up that badly that you can’t move on talk to someone like a therapist about it to help you get past it.

You broke the rules. She got upset. Instead of apologising, you acted like a cow

This is absolutely crazy. OP, I am not the person I was 5 years ago. I doubt your colleague is either. It’s a shame you’re not.

Let. It. Go.

There are stalking laws in this country. In case you didn’t know.

It was 5 years ago you unhinged loon get over it. If you send her a letter not only will she think your a weird stalker but she’ll also think your nuts for still being salty over something that happened 5 years ago.

But you're the one trying to continue the nonsense. FFS. 🤦‍♀️