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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Advice please re Obligations to a friend

25 replies

AquarianGirl · 21/05/2025 14:46

I clean for a friend's mum however last time I went she basically screamed at me because she forgot the time I was coming and spilt her drink over herself when I knocked at the door and didn't ring the bell (there is a sign saying please ring the bell next to one of the bells (she has two). I didn't know this meant not to knock the knocker!
I had reminded her a couple of days before because she also came along to the social voluntary group she used to run but that her daughter has since taken over, but still she forgot. Because her daughter and her don't get on, her daughter hadn't reminded her either.
As if that wasn't bad enough, she then started criticising the club, saying how awful the tea was (I make it!!) and in fact how everything was terrible except the performer. My friend had made an effort with decor etc that week for VE Day and people had dressed up even. I didn't take it that seriously but it did make me think.
Really I don't want to go back to either the cleaning or the club. I know people can change for the worse in temperament as they get older (my grandad became aggressive as he aged with dementia) but she was really quite horrid and has been difficult in the past. She even said "I don't want YOU twice in one week' when I offered to come the day before I went away so her house would still be cleaned twice in two weeks!
The club I feel I kind of got drafted into. I help set it up which involves putting out twenty or thirty chairs and moving tables, I make the tea and wash and tidy up after. It's unpaid labour really particularly given that my friend who runs it has amassed a grand off people which she's not putting back in to it. To top it off, the other lady I'm supposed to do it with is lazy and often just leaves me to it! I do challenge her but I really can't be bothered with it over and over again. She's old and I think she just volunteers to get in your free to socialise with people her age. I'm also quite a few years younger than most of them and often think volunteering at more of a main stream organisation would be better if anything.
What would you do? I feel like I'd be letting down my friend but I also don't really want to continue either. Should I make something up or give a date I can do them til? My sister lives in Brighton and I was thinking of saying something like she's asked me to babysit Fridays and Saturdays each week which will mean I won't have time to do either job). My partner is disabled so I could say I'm not having time to do both mine and his housework and look after our dog which is actually kind of true.
I also have this lady's dog every other Friday and Saturday while she works. She gives me petrol money to get her. I don't mind really doing this if it's the difference between her being shut up for ten hours a day and having some kind of care Though sometimes I feel a bit used. This lady owns a 4 bed house, has a caravan, 2 chalets, 2 vehicles, carers allowance and paid work at least two days a week one day for waitrose so surely she has money to pay someone to walk her dog!
I have put off talking to her about any of it so far because she was going away and then it's her birthday.
You might have read something similar a while ago. In response I did stop taking her dog out on weekdays, which I was doing also, but I carried on with the rest as I didn't have the heart to stop and wanted the extra money
I'm not in a contract so I can walk away but I want to do it without upsetting anyone! Thanks.

OP posts:
Andthenextafterthat · 21/05/2025 14:49

She “basically screamed” at you

Really?

sorry that is as far as I got. I like the odd paragraph!

AquarianGirl · 21/05/2025 14:50

Sorry what was the point in this?

OP posts:
Andthenextafterthat · 21/05/2025 14:50

Do you do the task walking the dogs at the weekends now
or you don’t?

either way op, unless you’re on the bones of your arse, seriously, terminate this arrangement

Andthenextafterthat · 21/05/2025 14:51

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IFellInto · 21/05/2025 14:51

‘Friend’? Doesn’t sound much of a friend tbh.
I’d just say that you can only continue until X date and leave it at that.

AquarianGirl · 21/05/2025 14:52

And yet you still need to troll... Pot kettle dear

OP posts:
everythingthelighttouches · 21/05/2025 14:54

No, no and no.
life is too short.

stop all of these things.

You don’t need to provide any explanaction beyond.
“ I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore “.

The only one I would give notice (1week) to and explain to, is your friend who you are volunteering at the club for.
simply say “I’m sorry, I’m not managing to do all my own work and caring as well as this, so I need to stop after next week “

Andthenextafterthat · 21/05/2025 14:55

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BeepBoopBop · 21/05/2025 14:56

I would drop the cleaning and volunteering - just say you have other commitments. Tell the CF with the dog that going forwards you need to charge to cover your time - at least £10 a day. You haven’t said how long it takes you to drive there though.

Apksbdv · 21/05/2025 14:56

It sounds like you’re being used and this isn’t really a friend; if you don’t want to do it then don’t and I wouldn’t give an excuse, just say it doesn’t work for you any more. Once you stop doing things for her I suspect she won’t put effort into the friendship and that she’s her true colours.

purplecorkheart · 21/05/2025 14:56

I don't think this person is your friend to be honest. I would certainly stop the cleaning for her mother and by the sounds of things you are not enjoying the club so give that up too.

I am unclear if you want to walk the job of dog walking or not. If you do treat it as a job and not something you are doing for a friend. If not give it up.

If she asks why just say the arrangements no longer suit you.

AltitudeCheck · 21/05/2025 14:59

I think you would benefit from some assertiveness training! Why are you doing all these favours that you don't want to do and trying to think of excuses / how to let people down gently? Just say this isn't working for me, I will be stopping after X date. It would be nice to stick to the next week or two to avoid dropping people in it but beyond that, claim your time back!

AquarianGirl · 21/05/2025 15:12

Honestly there were a few reasons. Her husband died soon after I met her and he had been ill a long time. He had been indoors with the dog for eight years. The lady I replaced at the club suddenly died so they needed a replacement. Thanks though you re right.

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 21/05/2025 15:20

No need to make up a lie. Just say you won't be continuing with cleaning/club etc after x date.

IsawwhatIsaw · 21/05/2025 15:24

Advice same as before- give notice you will be stopping the arrangement, then stop.

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 15:31

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dddilemma · 21/05/2025 15:43

Leave them all. Sounds like you get no joy from any of it. You aren't due them your time, even if they pay.

Lmnop22 · 21/05/2025 16:49

Prioritise your peace.

My mum was in a similar situation once going to a club she hated week in and week out because she didn’t want to leave.

Then one day she just told them she wasn’t coming anymore and everyone was lovely about it and she felt stupid for having worried.

Just tell your friend that you have some other commitments at the moment and you can’t manage her cleaning and the club anymore. If she asks for more detail, tell her you’d rather not discuss it as it’s sensitive. Job done! Good luck!

CeffylCoch · 21/05/2025 18:11

Do what suits you not them! Their problems are their own!

AquarianGirl · 21/05/2025 18:50

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Yeh this has been reported. Rude and pointless love.

OP posts:
AquarianGirl · 21/05/2025 18:52

I tried to delete this. I dont know why it's still showing.
Thanks all.
Please no new comments!

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 21/05/2025 21:45

Not sure why you think you owe her a comfortable time at your expense. She's not even grateful.

So tolerate it or sack it off

CameltoeParkerBowles · 23/05/2025 08:59

AquarianGirl · 21/05/2025 18:52

I tried to delete this. I dont know why it's still showing.
Thanks all.
Please no new comments!

No comments at all?
I feel you're being taken advantage of enormously. I wouldn't even bother turning up to clean for that ungrateful old bag again - you owe her no explanation. You also owe nothing to the 'friend' who has made a grand out of the club while masquerading as a public benefactor. As for the dog, I suppose it depends on whether you like doing it, but even then you should be compensated for your time, I think.

SoScarletItWas · 23/05/2025 09:04

AquarianGirl · 21/05/2025 18:52

I tried to delete this. I dont know why it's still showing.
Thanks all.
Please no new comments!

You can’t delete your own posts on MN. You can hit Report under your original post and ask for MN to delete it for you.

But before you go - I agree with PP, you owe nobody anything here so tell the club that you won’t be doing it after this week; tell the screaming harridan that you won’t be coming back with immediate effect; and go find different volunteering if you fancy it. And enjoy your life without there ungrateful people in it!

GreatFish · 23/05/2025 12:59

You need to take a step back and stop trying to please everyone. It is a thankless task and people take advantage.If people react negatively they're not friends.Do what's right for you.

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