Death of a parent who has been NC for a long time.

[slapmyarseandcallmemary]

So, long story. My parents divorced when I was young. He ran off with another woman. Ended up marrying another two times. Had sporadic contact as a child. Was not reliable, would let me down (and my siblings) all the time.
My stepdad raised me. I was the youngest. My "dad" was in and out my life for years. Just over a decade ago there were some things brought to the fore which made us all question a great deal of things about him. My oldest sibling has had zero contact for a long time. My other siblings had regular contact, but cut contact when this information came out.
I confronted my father. He denied the information was true. I heard nothing else from him after this interaction. He had a chronic illness which became terminal. He was very much a "woe is me" person. Nothing was his fault. He took no responsibility for anything. Was never sorry he missed out in our lives.
A few days ago I found out he had passed away. I do not know how to feel. I don't know if I feel anything. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Is it wrong that I don't know how to feel?

I’m sorry for your loss
It must be very confusing for you.
DM did have a similar situation. Hadn’t seen or heard from him for 40 years and then was told he’d recently died. I think she mourned the loss of the opportunity of being able to have a father/daughter relationship more than him-the actual person- if you see what I mean. (although realistically that wasn’t going to happen).
It’s not wrong to not know how you feel at all. It wasn’t a straightforward relationship. It might take days or months before you can even process it and understand how or what, if anything, you feel about it.

I think it’s perfectly understandable to not know how to feel. Big hugs.

I was NC with my mother or any of her family or her other dc for almost 30 years.

I discovered by accident that she died 3 years ago.

To be honest all I felt was relief. That chapter of my life then felt well and truly closed.

Thank you both so much

I have a similar dad, without the “information”, who is now in his mid 70s. Haven’t seen or spoken to him in a decade (and not much more frequently before that!). I’ve already mourned the fact I’ll never have a relationship with him, and I have no idea how I’ll feel when he dies (if anyone even tells us!). Sadness perhaps but really that ship has sailed.

Would I go to the funeral of someone I didn’t know, just because he was my dad? One day I guess I’ll find out.

You don’t have to be sad just because he’s your dad, but it is ok to be sad even though you didn’t have a relationship - there’s no “right” way to feel.

I think it's understandable, and normal, to feel the way you do.

Dh's biological father died during covid. Dh had no contact from him for about 40 years, and he died not having tried to contact him. Dh did have a good cry eventually - but it was more grief for the relationship he could have had. There was a lot of anger too. But for dh, it was a form of closure I suppose. He rarely talks about him any more, except to say that he feels his childhood was ruined by his parents.

Regardless of what he did, he was still your biological Dad. Its understandable to have massive conflicting emotions.

Give yourself time to mourn what could or should have been, and to come to terms with the fact that chapter is now over. It will take time.

It is okay to feel indifferent or even be sad for the loss of a father for the second time.
He messed up big time, all is not automatically forgiven or forgotten when a person dies. 💐

My father was useless and we had very little contact as adults. In fact he went missing and none of us even bothered reporting him.
Anyway, he rocked up 5-6 years later in a supported housing thing. He died a few years later and my siblings and I only went to the funeral in case we’d regret not going later.

None of us felt anything for him. Sad we never had a decent Dad but he wasn’t that. He was just done arsehole. Most people feel nothing for the awful people they meet in life.
its okay to feel nothing for a man that didn’t contribute in any meaningful way to your life.

I was no contact with my dad for 20 years after he remarried and didn't really want anything to do with his 3 kids (our mum died when I was a teenager) I've suffered with my MH for years but actually when he died last year It made me come to terms with things and I feel better now, it did feel weird for a few months though, I never shed a tear but I felt angry he wasn't a better dad

I think you're allowed to feel however you feel. You may feel nothing now, that may change over time or it may not. He wasn't a loving father to you and was in and out of your life. I don't think you owe anyone grief if you don't feel it. Just be kind to yourself and remember whatever you feel is fine and healthy and normal. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Thank you all. I think people asking me "how do you feel" hasn't helped as I haven't yet figured that out! It's very strange.