It’s a DH one

[Cityofangels25]

Hi all

I just want to get an idea if I am being unreasonable or if DH is.

abit of back story; DH runs his own busines. It’s in its first year and has grown very quickly and he has a few staff but due to how quickly it’s grown he’s having to learn a lot and get a lot of new policies in place as he has some huge contracts. It’s really stressful and he can be working until midnight some days with certain clients. He doesn’t normally finish work before 8pm but can work on the go when his schedule permits as he can take calls and do emails from his phone. He takes our eldest dc to club 3x a week and trains him in the activity before he does his club (physical sport).

Dh collects eldest dc on the days he has his activities. I still have to collect our middle child so I do school runs everyday too.

Dh provides pretty much everything financially. I pay the small mortgage but he covers everything else right down to my travel and daily expenses. I have a small income from a side hustle and will be returning to work next year, I was self employed so we need a new premises etc. I am also studying part time (medical field so it’s intense and I have fallen behind).

Dh is overwhelmed a lot of the time and exhausted and so am I. Our youngest is 16 months and has never slept through the night more then 4 times. Shes still waking 3 times a night (working on this but no luck so far). Our 4 year old wakes often also. I get up with the dc during the night and I’m happy too. But I feel completely run into the ground. I do all the cooking/cleaning/washing/life admin/appointments etc

i do 100% of the house work. DH only job is to put his shoes away and take the bins out. He’s not been doing this recently so it’s just two extra things I have had to take on and but he’s quick to moan at me if the house gets messy.

I feel like I’m drowning in housework and mum life and I have ADHD and Autism (diagnosed) so I am chaotic but I try my best. It’s hard with a little toddler and we have 0 support. I’m pretty sure Dh has adhd too and isn’t coping but we are waiting to go private to get him assessed. He did an online assessment and it said he scored very high.

he got really annoyed with me yesterday because the house is messy (it was, but not extremely) and my argument is that I’m doing my best but no one tidies up after themselves. People don’t put their washing in the basket, shoes and cups and plates get left everywhere for me to deal with (Dh is awful for this) but I get the blame for it all. I feel like a maid and it’s overwhelming but I’m really trying.

as I said Dh provides a lot and is super stressed and exhausted but am I unreasonable to expect him to clean his shit up? I don’t expect much else just that! Our eldest dc is really messy and unorganised too (he’s 8) so I’m also having to support him a lot with getting stuff ready for school and activities etc). We can’t afford a cleaner as are just paying off the last of our wedding.

sorry for the ramble

I feel so run down and it’s causing tension but Dh doesn’t seem to understand how hard it is to run a house (he’s never lived alone).

I think you're being far too reasonable! If someone who wasn't contributing to the housework dared to comment on the mess I'd be furious! He isn't your manager, and if he wants to tidy up he is welcome to do so!

I just don't accept that any job justifies someone not contributing to housework and childcare in any way, it just isn't reasonable. There must be some opportunity for him to pitch in!

It's irrelevant that he's stressed, you aren't his emotional punch bag.

I needed to hear this, thank you 🩷

he takes any kind of criticism very personally so it’s quite hard to talk about things and it just ends up being a drama but I just can’t sustain this and I feel crap!

There are absolutely no excuses for an adult to not do basic tidying up after themselves eg clothes in laundry basket and picking up plates, cups etc. Appreciate challenges of ADHD in this but he cannot be mad at you if he's not doing bare minimum.

Interesting that he's never lived alone. Clearly always had his mum cleaning up after him. Time to adult up.

People don’t put their washing in the basket, shoes and cups and plates get left everywhere for me to deal with (Dh is awful for this) but I get the blame for it all.

My stbx was like this all through our long marriage. He thought bringing in the money meant he didn't have to do anything and I was his paid (but lazy) servant. Towards the end I had enough of his mess so bought a box and dumped every single bit of his mess into it. It was mainly to show him how messy he was but also to keep it all in one area. Shoes, letters, newspapers, mugs, crumbs, crisp packets, biscuit wrappers, stinky socks rolled into balls, dirty washing dumped his side of the bed - you get the idea. I also stopped doing his laundry after 25 years and 3 years later he's never asked why, or even complained.

The box didn't stop him from being messy, but it helped to show me how little he actually cared about cleaning and was just using it as an excuse to berate and belittle me. To keep me trapped.

This sounds really hard and isn't sustainable. Suggest you have a meeting with your DH to discuss what the both of you will change/stop doing to make things different. Is there an end in sight where things will get better?

You are not being unreasonable at all! You're both tired and stressed, but him moaning at you on top of that is just awful. You need to work together as a partnership rather than him blaming you when you're doing your best.

Yes he might have all sorts going on and be working hard and be stressed, but bollocking you for not putting his shoes in the basket and his plate in the dishwasher? Nope.

This annoys me. I'm a single parent so mainly get frustrated when the kids make tidying up harder than it needs to be, but if a grown man can't put his own shoes away this would piss me off royally.

I think you need some basic ground rules, eg.

Coats and shoes should be hung up/put away upon arrival home - why should you have to scrabble on the floor for discarded shoes every day?

Dirty clothes need to be put in washing basket (it adds several minutes onto the task I'd you have to scour the house first, picking up clothes off the floor and checking if it is dirty or not). If it isn't in the basket, don't wash it. Chuck it on their bed if you want the floor clear for hoovering and let them sort it out before they go to sleep.

Plates/bowls should be scraped into the bin and either washed straight away or put in one pile after dinner (again, it adds several minutes to the task if you have to go through all the rooms collecting cups, glasses, plates etc first).

Everyone can wipe the sink after cleaning their teeth and spitting in the sink.

Everyone can scrub the toilet if they leave a mess in the bowl.

8 year old can wipe the table down after dinner or sweep the floor under the table while you wash up.

Maybe start a basket system so that you can throw each person's stuff into a basket for them and they put it away rather than you having to do it all.

So he’s creating the mess and then having a go at you for not clearing up after him quickly enough? What a vile pig

It sounds like you're both stretched to the limit between kids, work and studying. Could you get a cleaner once or twice a week?