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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how I should take this message? (Dating)

26 replies

PerspectiveE · 21/05/2025 00:51

So I have been on a dating app for a bit now and have spoke to various guys that just never led
to anything but I had a message from a guy today that said….

I Am just going to be honest I am not prepared to enter a long term relationship with somebody who has young children.

i Just wondered why that is? My kids are 5 and 8 and I am not bothered by it I just want to know what his reason might be?

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 21/05/2025 00:53

That seems pretty self-explanatory to me

Has he only just found out?

Enough4me · 21/05/2025 00:56

He doesn't have to explain; he simply doesn't want to be around DCs. Best he tells you now so you're free to meet better potential matches.
Dating is a numbers game and you'll meet men that aren't suitable for you and your DCs too.

VoltaireMittyDream · 21/05/2025 00:57

Same reason someone might not want children themselves? They don’t want to be tied down, want more freedom than life as a parent / step-parent allows?

This just isn’t the right person for you.

BarneyRonson · 21/05/2025 00:57

Utterly mystifying isn’t it. What reasons could he possibly have?! Very odd indeed.

MsNevermore · 21/05/2025 00:57

Doesn’t matter what the reasoning is - it could be any number of valid reasons. He’s been honest with you, which is way better than being led on, only for him to later come to the realisation he doesn’t want to date someone with kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lots of people know they don’t want children to be part of their life, and that’s ok!
Some people have their own older teens/adult children and don’t want to go back to the days of arranging their life around young children.

Some people don’t want the extra stress of a potentially acrimonious relationship with the children’s other parent affecting things.

All of the above reasons are totally valid and I think he’s done the right thing by being honest and straight up with you from the get-go. Rejection is shit - especially when it’s because of something that’s such a massive part of your life, but it is what it is. Dust yourself off and move on. Plenty more fish and all that!

Original poster
PerspectiveE · 21/05/2025 00:58

I kind of understand, possibly because I wouldn’t have the time or the fact he just doesn’t want to be involved with young children (completely understand as it is hard work) I would probably feel the same if I didn’t have children.

OP posts:
Original poster
PerspectiveE · 21/05/2025 00:59

I really appreciate his honesty

OP posts:
nightsarefalling · 21/05/2025 01:13

Did he contact you after matching to tell you this, or were you already in conversation when he discovered that you had children? If that's the case, I think it's great that he was honest instead of leading you on. He doesn't owe you an explanation, it's just his choice. But if he reached out just to say this, that's a little strange since he could have just unmatched you. Wishing you the best in finding the right person for you 😊

HedgehogOnTheBike · 21/05/2025 01:20

Kids are expensive and annoying.
They also curtail freedom, spontenaity, and impromptu getaways.

Dweetfidilove · 21/05/2025 01:26

At what point did he find out you're a parent?
If it's in your bio, then it was needless to swipe just to tell you that.

If he found out after matching, then he's perfectly reasonable in saying he doesn't want someone with children.

CharityShopMensGlasses · 21/05/2025 01:30

I think because he doesn't want to get involved in parenting the children. Don't be disheartened I have three and felt very undatable and my youngest is younger than yours. I found someone lovely who is also prepared to wait a over a year to meet them. The good guys are out there :)

steff13 · 21/05/2025 01:42

Maybe he doesn't want children. Maybe he doesn't want to parent someone else's children. Maybe he's afraid he'd get attached to your children and if things don't work out he'd never see them again. 🤷‍♀️

KitsyWitsy · 21/05/2025 01:58

I wouldn't either. And it's crazy how many men in their 50s, have small children! I have a bf now but it was hard going for a while there. I am not prepared to deal with young kids again.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 21/05/2025 03:48

Same reason people don't want to date smokers, unemployed, non drivers - personal preference but does not mean that smokers, non drivers or unemployed people can't get partners because they absolutely do.

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 04:19

I’ve actually posted this, but from the man’s point of view. But no I don’t want to date anyone who has children. Don’t want to be a stepmother and have no interest in being a blended family or their kids. That’s my preference. Surely it’s a good thing he’s being honest with you.

Koazy · 21/05/2025 06:20

No mystery to me. Makes perfect sense

LoveRules · 21/05/2025 17:35

I once had someone match with me only to tell me he didn’t like my tattoo (full back - in a picture on purpose so people who didn’t like it could walk on by and not swipe right) and if I didn’t have it he would have been interested but he wasn’t! Ok love. Thanks for the feedback! Next!

It took me five years of OLD and a ridiculous amount of daft interactions with unsuitable blokes until I met my gorgeous incredible soulmate. We are married now.

FutureCatMum · 21/05/2025 17:50

I wouldn’t date someone with kids that young either. Mine are older and I’m in a different phase of my life. I’m not going to a zoo or play gyms when I prefer to spend time with my DC’s and then have child free adult time to do grown up stuff.
It’s nice to have kids of a similar age if that possible, and personally I don’t like men without kids. Far too selfish and not understanding of my priorities.
We all want what we want. There’s no right or wrong, we’re just different.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/05/2025 18:00

You just say “then I don’t think we’re a match, I’m looking for a relationship, best wishes” or whatever and unmatch. It doesn’t really require much more thinking. Some people don’t want children at all, some people don’t want to be stepparents or get involved in blending families. That’s fine, it’s better to know upfront than try reluctantly and waste both of your times.

DaisyChain505 · 21/05/2025 18:03

what more do you need explaining?

taking on someone else’s child is the hardest thing to do and it’s often a thankless task where you can’t do right from wrong.

Also he may not want or like children or he wants to meet someone and have a family that doesn’t already include someone else’s child.

All of the above are perfectly acceptable and his choice.

Elektra1 · 21/05/2025 18:06

Well, I got chatting to someone whose profile said they lived near me but then they said actually they lived in Devon (a long way away). I said I’ll be honest and say that’s just too far for me. It’s best to be honest early about your hard lines. Nothing wrong with that.

However, if your profile says you have kids, it’s a bit different - though perhaps he’d be more relaxed about older kids? If that’s the case then maybe add to your profile in the commenty bit the fact that your kids are 5 and 8. So people know.

SwanOfThoseThings · 21/05/2025 18:17

Because he wants nights out without having to arrange a babysitter; lie-ins at the weekend, peace and quiet, not having to do child-friendly activities; not having to cancel things at the last minute because the DC are ill; not having to watch what he says and does in front of impressionable ears; not having to pay £££ to go away during school holidays; not having to faff with car seats when you go anywhere; not having to childproof his house and move the paracetamol from the bedside drawer into a locked cupboard; not having to make conversation about Peppa Pig ... I could go on but I expect you get the idea 😃

PinkCaro · 22/05/2025 15:37

Easy to say, but don't take it personally. It's his boundary, his rules for that. I found a lot of that in my late 30s and now after a couple of relationships the men are all not bothered.

you're not unreasonable, he isn't unreasonable, you're both doing your best xx

nomas · 22/05/2025 15:50

I imagine it’s difficult for single mums, because on the one hand you don’t want to say you have young kids because it can attract creepy men who want to groom the mum for access to her kids.

But on the other hand if you don’t say you have kids, you end up talking to a man for longer than you need to before you find out whether he is happy to have a relationship with a woman with young kids.

ItGhoul · 22/05/2025 17:10

Just wondered why that is? My kids are 5 and 8 and I am not bothered by it I just want to know what his reason might be?

Not everyone wants that kind of complication in their life.

Young children are a huge responsibility, take up a ton of time and effort, curtail freedom and generally make everything about life and relationships a lot more complicated. Obviously, if you've chosen to have kids, you feel all the responsibility and stress is worthwhile, but people who don't want kids aren't going to want to take on the strain of someone else's.