DD and party

[Geesadv]

I don’t know how to handle this as DD is my eldest. She’s nearly 10 and every single party idea I have come up with she is refusing as someone else in class has done. E.g trampoline, go cart, bowling, swimming party, even any mention of arts and craft type she is refusing as someone has had a similar party. I don’t know what to do. How would you approach it? I’ve tried explaining there are only a few options and everyone repeats same parties.

I’ve managed to convince her of one idea but I think she’s forgotten a girl in her class had a party at same venue. I haven’t booked yet or sent party invites but do think this is sneaky of me? I’m worried she will remember it or another child in class might mention it.

is it really bad form to repeat other children’s party venues or types of parties? I feel so lost, I have no energy to even think of her party. I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve offered other suggestions like we save the money and spend what we would have on a weekend away somewhere as a family but no she wants a party.

Best advice yet.
If she’s like this now, the future doesn’t bode well.

I have a DD also about to turn 11yo, and are in the midst of party planning.
We've usually started with who she wanted there, as IMO it's the most important thing (after budget!), then worked through ideas with her that were possible for the budget with that many guests. She's settled on a themed sleepover this year.
Last year, in a highly uncharacteristic moment of proactivism, DH jumped in with a 'bells and whistles' idea whilst I was out one day, without bothering to check £/pp or ask her about guest numbers before hooking her onto it. By the time I returned, he had booked it and she was totally hyped, until I asked how many places there were and she realised she could only take 2 of her friends. It caused a massive tantrum from DD and tension in her group of friends as they are a 6. It was over budget too, as DH had only thought about the activity cost and forgotten the cake, food and party bag... Lesson learnt for both of them: DH ended up paying the extra from his fun money and has been much more aware this year of all the different costs combined, and DD began this year by presenting me with a list of friends.

Is not wanting to repeat a party type a DD thing or a class thing? It is impossible to never repeat any broadly speaking, although there are often ways of making her version personal to her.
I would talk through the most important aspects with her (eg guest numbers, really wanting/not wanting a particular element), then present her with 2 or 3 options. She needs to choose by X date or submit her own fully costed idea, or you will choose.

It sounds like your daughter is being bullied. I’d put the party aside for now and see if you can get to the bottom of this. Being afraid of her friends being nasty about a party means they are being horrible to her about other things.

However to answer - of course people repeat parties. My son had his favourite party last year (an outside laser tag army thing) and one of his friends copied the exact party this year. My son is doing the same thing again next month and was delighted to get to go to his favourite place twice.

My daughter had her first sleepover party for 10 and the parties have definitely gotten smaller and more child led as opposed to specific activities. Maybe ask if she’d rather just do something super fun with a couple good friends and leave the bullies out of it?

As the parent of a teen it's interesting observing the expectations of some of those more indulged as pre-teens. 🫣

Why is it your job to come up with all the ideas? She's old enough to tell you what she wants to do, not just reject your suggestions.

This year my DD (11th birthday) decided that she just wanted to have her best friends over for some crafting and a kitchen disco, I was delighted as this was the cheapest and easiest of all the options 😁

Simple, no party. Have a day out with family instead. If she’s really that bothered about a crazy thing like repeating an idea, she needs to be removed from a situation like that. She needs some perspective from somewhere. You chasing her around with bigger and better ideas is just feeding the problem.

I think the real issue is your daughter's classmates. From what you say of them, they are not very nice and definitely not nice to her. No wonder she feels like she has to 'sell' her party to them. Poor girl!

I went through this with my DD. One year, we had a pizza party at Pizza Express (it was the easiest one I ever hosted) and every girl we invited came! At the party, I realised that not a single one of the girls had invited my DD to her party! I was so angry that I could hardly make it to the end of the party. Those users came to her party but didn't invite her to theirs.

I agree with giving her the options you are willing to do and a date to decide by.
I don't think I would want to have a party though and invite these so called 'friends' if they are this mean to someone who is 'copying' a normal activity.
Honestly this sounds ridiculous. There are only so many options so parties will be the same as everyone else. One year we went to what felt like a million trampoline parties. My daughter 'copied' someone else's swimming party as she loved it, the mum was pleased she had enjoyed it that much she wanted to do the same. My son did go karts once and another mum then asked me for the details and did the same for her son. I had already 'copied' the idea from another friend. No one cared. Here most parents seem pleased the children are enjoying themselves, not trying to get one up on anyone else by doing something different.

Having just had similar I don't think she sounds spoilt or ungrateful, she's at an age where things are changing and the dynamic of her school class will be different to what it was. A lot of the suggestions OP has mentioned are the same party ideas and venues as the children 5 years up in the school are doing, and yes 10 year olds still enjoy a lot of that, but it's only natural that their birthday parties need to evolve a bit as they are growing and she won't necessarily be able to express that or know what that looks like

I agree the no repeat thing is slightly crazy, but I also understand she feels "off" about people saying "we did that for Z's party, it was cool/fun/lame"

So some other ideas:

• give each kid some cash (you decide budget) and take them to one (or more if you can manage logistics) charity shop. They need to buy an outfit (or item) and then either score outfits, or just wear new outfit to park, meal, afternoon tea.
• slime making at your house... have lots of accessories to stick in slimes... crazy eyes, glitter - they can make slime monsters. Messy, but fun.
• Make your own pizza party, then movie night.
• make a succulent bowl each, get cuttings of plants, potting mix and either charity shop for unusual bowls/containers or go to poundland to get them something the same (they could decorate the container with marker pens).
• painting party, I know adults can do paint and sip where art person talks you through painting a simple pic - there must be kids versions where they supply the materials and teach the kids step by step to paint animal/bird/pattern
• jewelry making - easy to buy massive kits and beads, set them loose to make earrings, bracelets etc.
• zorb ball soccer - you hop inside the inflatable ball things to roll around and try and score goals
• escape room - if adult ones too hard, you can make your own - plant a series of clues leading to prize that is also a group activity. Lots of ideas if you google about combination codes to lock box that has next clue, finding things of a colour to see which has letter/number underneath.
• similar to last one, scavenger hunt at park - give them list of things to find (something shiny, feather, stick that looks like a letter of alphabet, perfectly flat leaf, something that smells nice, something square)

You are very out of touch - do you have children? Do you remember what it was like to be a 10 year old girl?

I do and I don't think she sounds spoilt, ungrateful etc at all.

It's actually more likely that she wants something far simpler overall, but doesn't know what that is or how to express it so is just saying no as all she knows is that's not what she wants, that's not the same as being grabby or spoilt.

Other posters have been great at giving lots of suggestions of age appropriate party ideas that the op can consider

It does sound like she’s either being bullied, or afraid of being bullied.

Normally kids don’t mind repeat venues. We have one about 30 mins from us that is very popular with kids of all ages. My son has been to 4 parties there this year alone, including his own. One particularly hellish weekend I practically lived there, with parties on the Sat and Sunday.

She and her friends sound a little like the Mean Girls type...

She I'd behaving like a spoilt self entitled brat.

I'd not mention it again and just not do a party for her this year and go out as a family instead.

Yes, she must think of her own idea. If not by certain date, go with your idea.