Family dilemma and gossiping

[TheBreezyAquaUser]

Me and partner have been going through a rough time while having a newborn who is now three months old.

due to this I felt like I have needed to vent regarding partner not doing much and feeling like I am doing everything.

my parent live in Spain and I do not see them for prolonged periods of time. When I have been venting to other family members regarding issues at home and the renting situation etc I have specific ally expressed not to tell my parents as this is a new move and we are very close.

I have come to find out they have all been gossiping about my business too each other then telling my parents causing them to panic. Mother has then sent a message to my partner stating she is not happy.

obviously I am not happy about any of this but am I in the wrong for venting to other family members or am I right to be annoyed.

I'm not sure which family members you have been venting to, but I think it was naive to hope that no one among them was going to tell your parents what is happening. Although I appreciate you may not want to worry them it would have been better to give them some indication that things are not great so that you could manage their worries better. Now they have been given half a story and you're on the back foot trying to calm them down.

Your mum is the one in the wrong here. I can't believe she messaged your partner when she's only heard some second hand gossip! I'd be furious with her. She should at least have spoken to you first.

just To clear up she was slightly aware from passing comments from myself and I had expressed to her repeatedly not to get involved or message my partner as it would make matters worse however she has stated that due to being fuelled by what she has been told from other family members she has felt like she has had too therefore ignoring me.

also one of the family members I am very close with but now I have found out she has been talking about it to other family members behind my back. I understand that I told them in the first place but it wasn’t for them to discuss further

You were stupidly naive to think that you could vent over and over to members of your family, and think that they wouldn't discuss your issues amongst themselves.

And you can't say you're keeping it from your mum when you've already told her some of it.

She was out of line in contacting your partner, but it's clear that you have a slack tongue so can't realistically expect that your family will be any different.

If you want to vent about your partner, it's best done to friends, not family.

Of course they told your parents. They’re probably really worried about you due to your lazy bastard partner.

How do I fix this going forward, obviously i know not to tell them anything negative in the future but is there a way to resolve this?

How do you mean, 'fix this'? You can't change what's happened, you can apologise to your partner about slagging him off to your family and try and resolve the issues between you regarding his lack of help with your newborn. And in future, be more careful who you vent to - it's obviously going to influence how your family feel about him if you're telling them he's not treating you well!

Don't shoot the messenger OP, you needed to vent yourself which is what they did. People talk about people and I class it as more concern when it's about one family member to another.

Ignore

Well you start by saying sorry to your partner. Your baby is only 3 months old, you're both tired and possibly in the life stage of competitive arguing about who got least sleep or did the most. The extra effort is a shock and you need to learn to work as a team. Try to reset the relationship with new ground rules that work for both of you. You want him to do "more" but you need to get more specific, I'm pretty sure he wants you to stop bad-mouthing him to every passing human, and there will be other things to make your lives more harmonious. We found that splitting tasks worked best (one does all washing up, one does all laundry etc), plus a schedule for rest and DS time (one gets a lie in on Saturday and one on Sunday, we used to split the baby clubs and how take turns on bedtime etc).

Next thing is you can tell the relatives (including mum) that you were venting rather than needing input, thanks for listening. There is no point moaning about a sibling or whoever telling your parents. Most people do not get in the habit of telling others every minor element of dissatisfaction in their relationship, so they will have thought it is immensely serious. That impression is fully on you.

The best way to resolve it is not to overshare your business.

i can't imagine a time since i was 18 years old and left home that Id ever consider discussing my business with any member of my family or even friends. I figured stuff out for myself and didn't involve people who could spread information around. People love idle gossip, it's cheap and entertaining. They can't help themselves.

You have a partner, work things out directly with them as they are the only person you need to involve, and it's disloyal talking about them behind their back.

My late husband and I were married for 35 years prior to his death. I can't think of a single occasion where I moaned about him to family members. It's a really damaging thing to do.

Light moaning to friends can occasionally be justified, but the ramifications of involving family are too complex and as you've found, cause issues.

You apologise to your husband, and tell your parents to keep out of your relationship. Explain that it was post natal stress that led to you overreact enjoy the lack of help.

Then you address the division of labour with your DH calmly.