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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid to party not wedding

12 replies

ThatRareSeal · 20/05/2025 14:29

I need advice. AIBU.
My sister in law is getting married next year. We have just found out we are only invited to the reception not the wedding. Only parents are going. Fine thats upto them. Never mentioned until the card arrived with this information. My AIBU is they want my daughters to dress up as bridesmaid for the party walking around holding flowers and for photos, not invited to the actual wedding! I have said no way, you are not using my children for a photo opportunity. (Kids ages 6- 16) they are already upset (the ones that understand) that they are not invited to wedding. I have been told I am unreasonable and I am ruining the day. I have said we will go to the reception that starts at 7. Although the younger ones will probably not stay long as it is a school night and being held 3 hours drive away, they will no doubt be exhausted. Having the day off school won't happen as it will be in the middle of GCSE season. I also asked the children and the older ones are still adamant they will not go full stop.
Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:
SunshineIdiot789 · 20/05/2025 14:30

YANBU. Very strange of your SIL.

FloppySarnie · 20/05/2025 14:32

I would feel and do exactly the same.

FusionChefGeoff · 20/05/2025 14:32

If only parents are going for the actual ceremony I’d understand that they are therefore making the party the ‘real’ wedding and the ceremony is just a bit of admin. I’d go, get up there early, enjoy the day then go to the party. I think you’re being a bit churlish - the ceremony is the boring bit!

LadyDanburysHat · 20/05/2025 14:33

I wouldn't take your DC at all on a school night when it starts at 7pm.

minnienono · 20/05/2025 14:34

I wouldn’t have an issue if they have literally parents only but that said i wouldn’t be going 3 hours for a party in GCSE season

ThejoyofNC · 20/05/2025 14:35

My DC wouldn't be going at all if it was 3 hours away, on a school night and I wasn't staying overnight.

FusionChefGeoff · 20/05/2025 14:36

Oh I missed that it was midweek?! In that case it’s not worth a 3 hour drive for a couple of hours at a party if you can’t stay over.

sesquipedalian · 20/05/2025 14:36

If they are only having the parents to the wedding, I would assume they are getting married in a registry office, and the “party” is the actual celebration. I’m sure your daughters, especially the younger ones, would be thrilled to have a bridesmaid’s dress to wear and in fact, OP, you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face here, because if they want your DC to act as bridesmaids for the photographs, that means there will be plenty of photographs which I would have thought you would be very pleased to have yourself - so let your daughters dress up, enjoy the party, and you will look back on the photos when your DC have grown up and left home and be glad you have them.

Dearg · 20/05/2025 14:37

I have some questions:
How old are the daughters being asked to dress up , and would they enjoy that?
Who would be paying for the ‘bridesmaids’ outfits?

My initial reaction is that the whole thing is inconsiderate - school night, Exam time etc- and it sounds as you suggest that SIL just wants to post the pictures of her big day, without actually sharing her day.

But if my little ones enjoyed dress up, and I wasn’t out of pocket, I might try to see it differently.

Original poster
ThatRareSeal · 20/05/2025 14:58

Just to clarify, sorry didn't want to drip feed. It is a Friday so we could stay, just not very close to the party.
They have all been asked to dress up. The older ones, like I said don't even want to go, their choice I have tried to remain neutral. Only the youngest wants to wear 'pretty clothes'. The dresses - I have been given a limit of £50 per child. All the same style, variation of pink and lilac colours. (Not colours 2 of mine entertain at anytime) . This alone will be a nightmare as they are very different body shapes, which the family know.I have to provide sandal type matching shoes. It is such a mess. My older ones do not even want to talk about it as up until this we was all very close so they cannot understand why this has happened. We was not told until the save the day card arrived. I phoned the bride to be to ask if the bit on the bottom was correct and we was only invited to the wedding reception as the invite did not even have our names on it. The reply was yes, I did hint it would be a small wedding.

OP posts:
Dearg · 20/05/2025 15:10

Thanks for clarifying.

Not sure why SIL would expect your older daughters to participate in this way, and agree with your stance in letting them decide.

If you decide to go with the little ones, sounds like it will only be for a short time, so probably not worth the hassle of finding outfits which meet SIL’s approval, so I would just be dress8ng them in colours and styles which they like and can wear again.

This being your SIL , if she wants to make something of it, I would leave it to your DH.

She can of course, have the wedding she wants, but you are not unreasonable to say sorry, doesn’t work for us.

TheMimsy · 20/05/2025 16:02

Dearg · 20/05/2025 15:10

Thanks for clarifying.

Not sure why SIL would expect your older daughters to participate in this way, and agree with your stance in letting them decide.

If you decide to go with the little ones, sounds like it will only be for a short time, so probably not worth the hassle of finding outfits which meet SIL’s approval, so I would just be dress8ng them in colours and styles which they like and can wear again.

This being your SIL , if she wants to make something of it, I would leave it to your DH.

She can of course, have the wedding she wants, but you are not unreasonable to say sorry, doesn’t work for us.

Agree with @Dearg completely @ThatRareSeal for all the hassle this will be to get there, the short time the children will last etc - is it worth all the hassle of finding dresses and sandals SIL wants (within the budget she’s sending you)? Or attend at all?

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