Friends

[Summerflower234]

First time posting here, so I would appreciate to get your view on the situation.
I feel a bit stuck up/silly and I dont know if I am just stupid or I am looking too much into this.

I have a female friend who invites herself into my flat for a coffee. If I said, let’s meet up for a coffee, she will instantly say, I will come by to yours etc.
Just to clarify, she lives in a big apartment, nice etc. So it’s not like I have more space or anything like that. We are both in our early 30ties.

The reason why I dont like it is because in the past I had the same exact scenario with two other friends. I feel like I was so nice that they maybe took advantage. Whenever they would come for a coffee I will always either buy a cake, snacks etc even tho it was just a coffee date at my place, that led into dinner. It came to the point where they preferred to hangout at my place rather than to go outside.
I did find it strange, but i did not put too much thought into it at it at the time.
I did wonder why one of them invites her other friends and never me, but I just brushed it under the carpet. Eventually, we parted ways.

As for the other friend, she never invited me even once to her place, I did not even know where she lived. I know the city, but she never invited me even for a coffee. One day, we went outside for a snack and I had issues with my card, my order was like £3 and she never even offered to pay and saw me sturglgling to figure out what was wrong with my card (I did have money on it tho).
This same friend, I was the only one person that was there for her when she went through abortion. I hosted her in my place, took care of her and feeding dinners, breakfasts, cause I felt to bad for her. After this, she treated me like I was an idiot and carried on acting like I was not there for her when she went thgoiuth the most difficult time in her life, not even her own family was there for her.
I was really upset by all of this, and I felt I was taken for granted.

I am just afraid I suppose that people do take advantage of me, including my current friend and I would not want to happened what happened with my other two friends.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

Thank you!

No, because I would just say ‘oh you’ve been to mine last few times let’s go to yours’. Or, ‘no that’s not convenient so let’s go to X’.
As for your friend who didn’t offer to pay, I would have said ‘Gosh Sally my card isn’t working can you pay for me this time I’ll pay next’? If she refused then that would be the last time I saw her!
Stop letting other people decide - speak up!

I get why you’re annoyed and upset I would be too but I’ve had similar things like this and in all honesty I don’t have a single friend now because of things like this. I’m mid 30s and yes it’s sometimes a bit lonely but I’ve learned people are AH! She’s been out of order especially not paying for the coffee when your card wasn’t working. I don’t understand how people are not thoughtful and understanding. You have two choices, either cut her off or continue with the meet ups but take it all with a pinch of salt. I feel you’re now resenting her though which is understandable!

As a standalone for the current friend, perhaps she doesn't want to afford to go out. I hate hosting. My house is never fit for anyone to come round and it causes me huge stress. So I would always rather go to a friend's house. But I wouldn't go empty handed, I'd take a cake or packet of biscuits to contribute.

I feel like your other two previous friends clearly had issues. I understand your hesitation that this may happen again. But unless this friend has baggage like the others, then I wouldn't stress too much. IMO.

Yes. As is so often said on here, there can be no cheeky fucker without a wet lettuce to accommodate them.

OP, the only behaviour you can change is your own. Start saying ‘No, I’ve been at home enough. Let’s either have coffee at yours or at a cafe’. And ask her to pay.

'Actually, I fancy getting out' is my way of handling this. Someone who wants to be your friend will cotton on that you are essentially saying that your needs are equal to theirs in the friendship.

I think you need to build your confidence up and start drawing boundaries. If you’re struggling with that, psychotherapy can help. I use to be that way and people walked all over me.

One suggestion I would make if you’re still wanting to be friends with said person would be to say something like - hey I’m in town running errands, would you like to meet at up in town for a coffee. If they suggest your place a polite apology along of - sorry have other plans later maybe another time.

Then if they get pushy just don’t respond and if they show up anyway don’t answer the door.

Remember you’re an adult and it’s your space and you control it.

I hear you OP used to go out with someone who took advantage of my kindness. Too many drinks and cakes almost all paid for by me. I became fed up as just wanted friendship not to be used. I stopped suggesting to go out and she never bothered to ask me. I'm really glad I stopped and like you really not into paying in that way again.

I think start answering with things like “ok come over but bring snacks and drinks as I’m all out”.
or I want to go to “x”, let’s meet there at 8.

they may love your place, but you have half a say in this too.

start letting them hear your voice, and let it be clear.

This is absolutely a boundary issue and one you can change. Wishing the other person won't be pushy or will reciprocate won't work. Some people like to have their own way and when they meet someone with porous boundaries it's easy to achieve their aim.

I'm assuming that saying no, negotiating an outcome or standing up for yourself gives you huge anxiety but like any phobia it can be overcome. Say 'no' or 'I'd rather go out for coffee' and just sit with the feelings of panic that arise. Nothing bad is going to happen. You may very well find the other person accepts what you say (if they're decent). If they push back you repeat what you've said. It's all practice for setting boundaries.

If they are users you will find out very quickly with the lack of compromise they display. Do you really want to hang around with those sort of people?

People can only exploit you if you allow them.

@Summerflower234 sorry to hear of your these experiences with your ‘friends’. Yes I have had the same though only with one friend and not as intense as yours but it still did negatively affect me. So I had a friend (who I later realised because of my own naivety that I was actually the one kept only for trauma dumping not socialising), who after work would always ask to drop by and see me in my place. To be honest, she never expected food other than a coffe which I was happy of course to make. However we never ever went anywhere else. I would ask if we could meet at a different time sometime or at least a restaurant after her work but nope never happened. This is a friend who I’ve supported through her DH various affairs and latest one being breast cancer treatment. When the penny dropped that all I relegated to a a comfort/personal counsellor ‘friend’ only, I sort of pulled away from what was up to that point a 22 year old relationship. It’s sad knowing I’ll never see her again but the way she would pick and drop me according to her need to vent/need advice was actually starting to negatively affect me so I think was for the best.

I only have one other acquaintance/friend and even though it would be lovely to host her in my home as it’s in quite a desirable safe area with nice walks nearby I’m frightened like you of being used again so to prevent that I’m setting strict boundaries and will not be having anyone at my home for a looong time! I think that’s the only answer as there are always places unless you live in a rural place that you can a
ways socialise at. Good luck!

I’m afraid you get treated how you allow yourself to be treated. You need to learn to assert yourself. Easier said than done I know. You are allowed to push back. What’s the worst that could happen? You say it’s not convenient to have her at your this time, either she agrees to an alternative, or she decides she isn’t interested in your friendship if you’re not hosting, in which case the sooner you find that out the better.

This does very much depend on individual situations though. For many years I hosted regular get togethers with three other mums and all the kids (we were up to 10 kids by the time the last one was born). Basically two of the other mums were struggling on benefits due to being carers for disabled relatives, and one was working her arse off trying to make ends meet on low wages, whereas I was, not rich, but definitely very comfortable. I could afford to host, they couldn’t. I had the room to host, they didn’t. We never spoke about it as I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable with the comparison of our vastly different financial situations, but we all knew. They always brought something to the table, even if it wasn’t much, they always pitched in with the actual work of getting dinner on the table and clearing up afterwards. We were good friends and we always had a lovely time together.

I’m saying this to clarify that there are situations when it is appropriate for one person to always be doing the hosting. It’s not an absolute rule. But only you can know the details of your friend’s situation.

I had this type of relationship with a friend before she moved but it was her always saying "come over". I never went over emptyhanded though...

YANBU and you know something’s not quite right. Most adults understand reciprocating and even if they didn’t have the right place to host (I don’t), they can do it in other ways.

The only times I had this gut feeling I was being taken advantage of, I was. I now listen to it a lot more than I did.

"No, I fancy a change."
"I'd rather go to yours, I'm bored of being at home."
"I'll put the coffee on, you pick up some pastries."

Just to add, sometimes a friend and I meet up for a walk and we bring a coffee or snack ourselves. Or meet in a park and one of us might bring from home and another buys from the kiosk. I just mean sometimes one or the other or both are just watching the pennies. So lots of ways to say no to someone coming over if you’d rather not.

Suggest meeting in a park instead and bring coffee from home. It’s possible she’s budgeting. Then see what happens.

The other friends were just users I’m afraid. I’m now in my 50s with no friends as sick of being used and then dropped when a better friend comes along.

@Pherianone of the best responses I’ve read on here, especially the line on controlling your own space. Thank you!