To let my children play with these children

[Kidswillbethedeathofme]

I will start by saying- I accept any of my children’s friends. More often than not I have other children in my house playing, snacking etc.
my middle child is around 9, youngest is 7 (eldest is 15 so not really relevant in this as he is unsocial!). We live in a smallish quiet cul de sac, with a mixture of people- some private owners, some elderly, some ‘council’, some disabled, some employed, some not employed. There are plenty of children around here, and they all congregate in the cul de sac, share bikes, ‘knock on’ for each other, generally a good bunch of kids- of all ages!

the issue I am having is one house. The kids are ‘generally’ nice, but the mother leaves a lot to be desired. Her kids have continuously been taken off her and allowed back gradually due to poor life choices (drink,drugs, neglect). When the children are ‘in her mums restricted care’ her children will be at any of the children’s doors telling them how their mum has a hangover and is lying on the sofa- so they have to stay out and play all day. They are given money to buy what they want from the local shop to keep them out - think red bull and sweets. They are allowed to wander wherever they want. Just last month they went to the park unsupervised, and very almost got kidnapped - a random man pulled up and asked them into his car and was persistent. Luckily they were close to a family friends house so ran away. Their dad (who has most of the care and is just as negligent!) had told them to go to the park until he could collect over an hour later. They have unrestricted access to social media and talk to random strangers online.

so my kids look up to these kids and think I’m ‘mean’ for not allowing to the park with them, to the shop etc unsupervised. I stand firm on this and won’t waiver. However on the occasion they are at their mums, they ask other children to come to their house- am I wrong for saying no?! I know it’s mean for the kids- but this particular house had their front door kicked in the other day by a disgruntled person (reasons I’m not sure of?) and I don’t want my children around this neglect and violence.

but how do I go about it nicely without a full disclosure to my kids? I’m happy to be the mean parent, but I also know it not the other kids fault!

i can see them at all times when they are playing out
With respect, you can see them but you can't hear them. They will 100% talk to your children about things that even adults wouldn't want to hear.

It’s awful and to begin with I did feel guilty but I would have felt even worse if mine started copying or even stood by/near whilst these children were behaving like they were.

To begin with, I had to call mine in with excuses, we need to go out/do this/ we’re watching this now. As time went on, mine realised and started saying they needed to head in as I’d already shouted them/we were going x or even they needed a drink etc and just stayed home til they’d moved on.

Crazy that we let anyone be a parent (and I’m not trying to make out I’m perfect, far from it!)

#bekind doesn't wash i'm afraid. These poor children are effectively replicas of their mum's and dads (if you can call them that ) so they're poor influences to other children and will cause harm to them through their attitudes and behaviours. It's not their faults. But it's not other parents responsibility to #bekind and throw theirs doors open and expose their own children to harm.

@caringcarer

I’ve seen the damage done to families in my area by the children I was referring to when they were trying to “be kind”. No thanks. I’m happy be thought of as horrid and unkind, at the end of the day my job as a parent is to protect my children.

I agree, but the other children get bored here because of the rules- so they go home. I can’t force them to stay here. So I do try to include them in things that we are doing, but ultimately, a kid will happily chose a life/ day/moment that has no rules!
hats off to you for doing what you do- to give children like these a little bit of normalness, and provide a loving stable home so different from what they know is amazing!

Absolutely 100% agree.

My children don't get to be collateral damage so that i can play saint by throwing my doors open to undesirables.

It's unfair to them ? Not my problem I'm afraid. I protect my own.

Would I be civil to the kids and parents ? Yes. Would I teach my kids to rub along with these types for an easier life ? Yes. Would I be throwing my doors open and making apple pie for them and letting them teach my children all manner of awful adult things ? No fricking way. Happy to not 'save the world' on this one.

My younger sister had a friend like this. She was called Linda. My Mum saw how Linda was being brought up. She cooked Linda a hot meal almost every day and sent my sister to school with extra food because Linda was given crisps and a chocolate biscuit. This was before schools stopped this kind of lunch coming in. Mum sewed buttons back on Linda's blouse and if she got a bit muddy Mum threw her clothes in to wash. Years later after my sister was at Uni Linda still went to visit my Mum. She got pregnant and used to take her baby to visit my Mum. She fell out with her own Mum and had no one really to turn too. I know Mum told her to lie baby flat when it was tiny not to have it sitting up all the time. I know Mum knitted that baby lots of cardigans and matinee coats. Linda's baby called my Mum Nana. Linda found a partner and they moved away but I know my Mum used to send Linda birthday cards and Xmas cards and for her DC for years.

I would imagine "Linda" is very different to feral modern boys. People 'back then ' often lived in poverty and needs were neglected because of this. I think we're talking about rough/streetwise boys. Not quite the same thing.

make sure others in the street know to report neglect- each and every incident , everything that you mentioned needs to be documented
if it were me I’d talk to each person in the cul fe sac and make sure there are a lot of eyes looking out for these kids
I don’t want to hear about them on the news

While i agree the op shouldn't let her children be collateral just to #bekind I think the third paragraph here is a little harsh. I had a couple friends from a family very similar to the one described here and the kids were obviously messed up but nice and grew up to be normal people.
In fact the actual naughty kids who were out burning things were the same kids bullying my friends for being smelly/having alcoholic parents etc

They are actually girls….

Yes you’re right. But unfortunately, some others In the cul de sac ‘allow’ this to carry on for peace and quiet. Mum is volatile and will likely kick off, so it’s easier to turn a blind eye. And that’s why I’m asking for advice- these girls have the potential to be nice, but their home life doesn’t allow them to be - And ultimately I feel sorry for them, but only so much I can do.

"you can't go to their house as their rules are different to ours."
"Yes they can come in to play but I'm switching the WiFi off - get the crafts box and stay downstairs"

To be fair this is good- blunt enough to say no means no, but does not disclose anything.
we do have plenty to do at my house (I think that’s why the kids all like to come here) - they are allowed to make a mess (as long as they tidy up when they are told to leave), there’s plenty to eat and drink, toys a plenty, and we have all the outdoor toys and all the crafts. So turning the WiFi off would be quite simple while others are here, and something I might implement even if other kids aren’t here just to get my eldest out his room and spend time with us when he doesn’t just want feeding!!

You did not come here for advice. You came tell everyone how bad this family is and how wonderful you are letting them in your house, letting them sleep over, feeding them and dreaming about fostering them 🙄 and how they would grow into wonderful adults if they just had you as a mum.

I'm not saying they're not neglectful but you don't get to use these poor kids to feed your ego.

Oh wow definitely not that but thanks!! I won’t bother asking for advice in future and will just let these kids fester with their parents!!!

I think you can protect your DC without prohibiting all contact with these girls. But you will have to be strict and keep reiterating your rules. Keep them around your house where you can supervise (I'd be surprised if the other parents want children at their house).

YANBU. However I would not turn children away because they have neglectful parents, it is hardly their fault. I'd keep an eye on it though.

Having said that, I've never lived anywhere, even as a child, nor would I, where children played in the street. They are either indoors, in the back garden or, when old enough to be out without an adult, at the park, on their bikes.

OP, I would be very cautious, not just because of the bad habits these children are teaching yours, but also because of any potential consequences. How long before these children are drinking, or worse, and inviting your DC to join in? You don’t have to prohibit contact, but I absolutely wouldn’t allow your DC to go round there, and I’d be encouraging them to play in the garden rather than the street so you can keep an eye on them.

My kids know their only allowed to someone's house if i know them. No ifs no buts.
I have adult dc down to reception age and always been the same.

I think you’re doing a great job OP. Keep your rules in your house and definitely don’t allow them to visit the neighbours house but we learn what we see and hopefully your place will give them insight into what a safe and happy home looks like. The people saying keep your children away and isolating these girls will be the same ones complaining when those kids inevitably end up like their parents. Intergenerational trauma can only end when people are supported out of it and given alternatives. I think you’re a kind, compassionate person and your kids will be too.

9 and 10 is old enough to play out unsupervised.

Yes in their back gardens or if they go to the park but you'd still want to know where they are. I think the op has genuine concerns about this family, I feel sorry for the children involved but she has to protect her own.

Are you always this controlling over fairly trivialt hinges that you'd get in between their relationship?

What shop is serving red bull to a 10 year old? I would report that shop. What did the police say about the almost kidnapping? Make sure that is reported too.
And definitely call SS