Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sporting Mum

31 replies

FedNanders · 19/05/2025 04:06

In the last few months DS has started doing a niche sport. Yesterday was a national (kids) tournament in that sport for the older kids (12-16 year olds) and it was a very strong field with many of the kids looking to go further in the sport.

The event organisers also ran an unofficial event for younger children (10-12 year olds) DS's club encouraged everyone in either of the age groups to sign up and give it a go. It was explained to the newer kids that they weren't going to win (some kids have trained for years for these events) but that it's a fun day and just to go along, try your best and if (when!) you lose, you lose - its all good experience.

They were absolutely right. It was a really good fun day - the weather was beautiful which helped - and some of the older kids from the club (who have been training for years) did really well. The newer kids - as predicted - finished last, but they all had a great time and learned a lot. All the coaches and parents were really supportive and I think we were all very proud of the kids. Except for one..

There was one parent of a very new kid who kept repeatedly telling her DS (maybe aged about 10) that coming last was not good enough. Her DS is a really nice, quite quiet kid who seems quite anxious. Mum sat slightly apart from the group (but not far - we could still here every word). She seemed to spend most of the day (loudly!) on her phone.

In between being on her phone she was constantly telling her DS that he wasn't good enough and that finishing last was absolutely not OK.

The club coaches and officials kept repeating to all the kids that they were doing well and as long as they tried their best, it was fine if they finished last. This one Mum kept saying that no that wasn't OK.

She kept saying this really loudly in front of other kids both from our club and other clubs and it was really noticeable and was beginning to impact some of the other children.

Some parents mentioned it to the club staff and some parents from another club mentioned it to them as well. The club staff seemed to try to talk to her and get her to stop but she just kept saying no. At one point she said it was because of her son's ADHD.

On the phone she was (loudly) critical of the club staff.

It all just left a very nasty taste in what was otherwise a lovely day, and I think several of us are quite worried about how she speaks to her DS.

So I guess that brings me to my AIBU. Am I being unreasonable to think the club/event organisers should have done more to get her to stop and maybe asked her to leave? And AIBU to think that saying your child has ADHD is no excuse for talking to them like that?

OP posts:
Calamitousness · 19/05/2025 04:17

That poor child. Of course it’s not ok. Yes, I think the club should deal with it firmly. There’s nothing you can do about today now but I would speak to a senior member of club staff to ask that they address this for the future. Sporting behaviours are more than just physical.

Springadorable · 19/05/2025 05:01

You are being unreasonable to say that, having spoken to her already, they should have done more. Most of these events are run by a large proportion of volunteers. They don't have security. How do you suggest they get her to leave or stop if she can't see that it is blindingly obviously wrong to say things like that to her child?

Zanatdy · 19/05/2025 05:11

Why do some parents behave like this? I can’t imagine ever saying such a thing to my DC, of course the line to take is always ‘it’s the taking part that counts’. Or if you must, you’ll get better the more you practice. What a horrible mother.

GuevarasBeret · 19/05/2025 05:20

Is there something in the club rules/policies about this?

She may be misguided, and I am unclear why ADHD would have anything to do with it, but she is probably just a horrible, immature person. I do think the coach should speak with her again and say it is absolutely unacceptable, in that it sets a horrible tone for all the kids and that the club’s expectations are that parents will be supportive and encouraging.
It is absolutely not on.

Original poster
FedNanders · 19/05/2025 07:43

Springadorable · 19/05/2025 05:01

You are being unreasonable to say that, having spoken to her already, they should have done more. Most of these events are run by a large proportion of volunteers. They don't have security. How do you suggest they get her to leave or stop if she can't see that it is blindingly obviously wrong to say things like that to her child?

That's a good point. I hadn't really thought about how they could get her to leave. I know the club officials spoke with her.

I was just so shocked by it. As a bunch of other parents none of us challenged her about it and I wonder if maybe we should have? We just kept saying well done to her son even though he kept coming last and she kept telling him it wasn't good enough.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 19/05/2025 07:46

If you had such a big problem then why didn't you say something to her?

Original poster
FedNanders · 19/05/2025 08:00

ThejoyofNC · 19/05/2025 07:46

If you had such a big problem then why didn't you say something to her?

I don't know and I guess that's partly why I'm kicking myself. My DS is new to the sport and this was his first competition so I don't know what the etiquette is and I think maybe I was feeling a bit shy. My DH mainly takes DS to the sport so im not as familiar with the people and what happens. Also I guess we were all aware she was ignoring the club officials telling her to stop and was quite rude with them - not nasty, sweary kind of rude but talking down to them and insisting she knew best.

We just all did that classic passive British thing of loudly saying how well everyone was doing and how it didn't matter where anyone finished. I probably should have done more.

OP posts:
Original poster
FedNanders · 19/05/2025 08:32

GuevarasBeret · 19/05/2025 05:20

Is there something in the club rules/policies about this?

She may be misguided, and I am unclear why ADHD would have anything to do with it, but she is probably just a horrible, immature person. I do think the coach should speak with her again and say it is absolutely unacceptable, in that it sets a horrible tone for all the kids and that the club’s expectations are that parents will be supportive and encouraging.
It is absolutely not on.

I don't know about any policies I'm afraid.

I really don't understand the ADHD link either except that she seemed to be saying that children with ADHD need to be spoken to like this, but maybe I overheard wrong.

OP posts:
GuevarasBeret · 19/05/2025 16:28

Do you think you could brave saying something to her now, after the fact. Obviously it cannot be pitched as telling her how to parent her child, but I do think you could validly say:
(a) your child was worried about coming last rather than doing their best, therefore spoiling it for other people.
(b) she made all the other parents uncomfortable and worried for her child having their confidence destroyed like that.
(c) she came last in the parenting race, and that’s unacceptable.

Whippetlovely · 19/05/2025 16:41

Yabu you can't tell another parent how to parent. I feel sorry for the child but it's really not your business. The club told her and she carried on there's nothing more the club could do other than keep encouraging her child.

CarpetKnees · 19/05/2025 16:51

Can't vote as you have asked to completely opposing questions.

Should the club officials have done more ? No. I think YABVU there

Saying your child has ADHD doesn't give them the right to be so negative? YANBU

LetMeGoogleThat · 19/05/2025 16:53

My son used to do martial arts and I saw this behaviour from some parents a lot! But over many years, unfortunately those were also the same children that had no resilience to losing and would emotionally fall to pieces.

Love51 · 19/05/2025 16:58

Coaches can and do set the standards for parental behaviour.
We get this video sent at the start of every year. Our kids are praised for sportsmanship as well as competitive success. However if this is a new parent it might be new behaviour that they weren't prepared to be firm with in the moment. Hopefully they'll out their heads together and come up with a strategy.

Moonnstars · 19/05/2025 17:00

YABU in expecting the staff to say something further to the mum. I imagine it was a difficult situation to manage, and like others have said it is likely they are volunteers.
I think it is a good suggestion to see whether there is any guidance from the sport association that the staff could use to follow up with the mum about her attitude towards winning.

MsNevermore · 19/05/2025 17:11

I’m a sports mum. And in the US right now…..and it’s a whole different calibre of competitive than I ever experienced in the U.K.
To the point where parents will defer their DCs starting school for an extra year, so when it comes to sports (especially American football and basketball), their child is a year older and bigger than the kids on the opposing team.
Personally, I hate the whole “participation trophy” thing. I think it’s important for kids to know that there is always going to be a winner and a loser. If I can see that my DS is putting in the effort, and his team lose anyway, then we use that as a teaching moment and talk about what the other team were doing better and how can he improve certain aspects of his play?
I would never ever behave the way you describe though. Even when our DC’s aren’t winning or playing to the best of their ability, they need encouragement and support, not dressing down. Confidence in themselves is a massive part of it especially when they are young, and it’s part of my job to build my son’s confidence in his abilities, not tear him down.
That poor kid 🥺

MsNevermore · 19/05/2025 17:12

Love51 · 19/05/2025 16:58

Coaches can and do set the standards for parental behaviour.
We get this video sent at the start of every year. Our kids are praised for sportsmanship as well as competitive success. However if this is a new parent it might be new behaviour that they weren't prepared to be firm with in the moment. Hopefully they'll out their heads together and come up with a strategy.

We have something similar to this.

In my DS’s American football league, parents can also be subjected to penalties from the officials for “unsportsmanlike conduct”. If that happens, the parents get fined!

alcoholnightmare · 19/05/2025 17:14

What’s the ‘niche’ sport?

Bushmillsbabe · 19/05/2025 17:25

The video above is brilliant, as it comes from children themselves. I would consider sharing it with your child's coaches in a 'thanks for all your hard work organising a brilliant day, it was frustrating that a parent made some unhelpful comments. I appreciate your efforts in trying to stop this, and I came across this video and wonder if it might be worth sharing among all the parents. Thanks again'

Mumofteenandtween · 19/05/2025 18:29

Generally the club / event organisers are parents themselves. Generally of the older ones. (The very first time my son won something I didn’t see it because I was elsewhere helping run the event.) If it is a niche sport it will be completely volunteer run. The sport my kids do is pretty mainstream (we win Olympic medals in it) and it is still pretty much all volunteer run at youth level.

It is actually really rather irritating when new parents come up with things that the club / event organisers are”should” do. “Could I help with….” Oh lovely - yes please! “I think the club should….” Not so helpful.

There are parents like that in every sport. And very little that can be done about it. Things we have tried over the years include…. Regular reminders to parents about code of conduct, instructions on the entry info about how it isn’t the Olympics and should be fun, coaches talking to parents individually, sending the welfare officer in, sending parents of the top kids in to say things like “Lucy came last in her first competition but the important thing is that she loved it and kept going”, sending the top kids in to talk to the younger kids to say how they came last in their first competition, contacting the national body for advice.

None of it bloody works.

The only thing you can do (other than kick the child out of the club / disqualify the child from the event - neither of which I personally have the stomach for) is not run the club that way and hope the nightmare parents fuck off and find their “twin souls” elsewhere. Although you do then meet the club that is full of those parents at events which isn’t very jolly. They tend to implode after a while though which can be fun to watch as long as you keep a safe distance.

MagpiePi · 19/05/2025 18:43

My kids used to play mini rugby with a boy who’s dad used to promise him the latest games console if the team won tournaments. Then when they didn’t win he’d be saying ‘well, you’re not getting it now’. As though that one little 6 year old could make the difference to the team. He was a horrible man generally. Luckily we had great coaches who were really positive and encouraging to all the kids.

Original poster
FedNanders · 19/05/2025 22:13

MagpiePi · 19/05/2025 18:43

My kids used to play mini rugby with a boy who’s dad used to promise him the latest games console if the team won tournaments. Then when they didn’t win he’d be saying ‘well, you’re not getting it now’. As though that one little 6 year old could make the difference to the team. He was a horrible man generally. Luckily we had great coaches who were really positive and encouraging to all the kids.

This mum's DS told the other kids she had promised him all sorts if he won! There was no chance he was ever going to win so it seems rather unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
FedNanders · 19/05/2025 22:18

Thank you everyone. I've taken on board that I was being unreasonable when I asked if the club could have done more. I have to admit I don't know what "more" would have involved - a magic wand perhaps 😂

I don't usually go to the training sessions (though I have been sometimes,) so was a bit of a fish out of water. The club officials seemed lovely - they must have travelled quite some distance to be there and seemed to be working very hard and were so supportive and encouraging with the kids.

OP posts:
JustMarriedBecca · 19/05/2025 22:24

I consider myself to be quite pushy but that's bonkers
I was once at swimming and a Mum asked her little boy to judge how he had done out of ten. The kid, who couldn't me more than 6, said "maybe a seven....I tried my hardest"

And the Mum snaps
"WRONG....A FOUR. MAYBE A FOUR"

My 10 year old (who has zero filter but God Love Her that day) looked at the Mum, looked at me and said loudly "I hope that family are rich because that little boy is going to need LOADS of therapy"

Original poster
FedNanders · 19/05/2025 22:52

alcoholnightmare · 19/05/2025 17:14

What’s the ‘niche’ sport?

I didn't really want to say in case it identified people but it's an offshoot of the infamous "hobby" that several mumsnetters' DHs do that takes up all their free time.

OP posts:
murasaki · 19/05/2025 22:56

At least the kid heard you and the other parents saying well done to him. Nobody expects beginners to win. What an awful parent she is but I don't know what the officials could do.