For making ex pay full child support

[GreenGrassySkies]

Soon to be ex DH and I seperated in January. My choice. He still wants to get back together but have applied for a divorce which should be finalised in October. We have a DS(2).

The main reason I left him is he has been absolutely no help since our son was born, to him or me. He loves him but will spend the minimum amount of time with him and never ever helped with bedtime/night waking/meal times etc. Just got to the point where I realised it was easier with one baby not two!

He moved out in March to rented accommodation, and even though the divorce is no where near completed, he offered on a house in February and is due to move in around June. He is putting down a 5% deposit and then will increase it when he gets the money from me buying him out of our current house, so initially his mortgage will be very high.

Things have been very surprisingly quite amicable so far, but I just wanted him out so agreed he doesn’t have to pay any child maintenance until the divorce goes through. He comes round for about ten mins each day or every other day to see DS, but DS is quite clingy when he is here so I don’t get a chance to do anything. And he has him for 3 hours on a Saturday morning. Won’t ever give him meals as he has a fear of him choking. And won’t have him overnight yet as he has never done it and our son isn’t the best sleepover.

When discussing child maintenance the other day he mentioned in passing it being £400 a month and I said no, according to the government calculator, it’s £650. He exploded at this, said it’s is insane and he isn’t paying that, it doesn’t cost that much for ‘half a child’ and he’s not going to pay my mortgage for me. He then said if that’s how much it is he will have him 3 nights a week so it’s cheaper.

Part of me can understand his frustration as it does seem a huge amount of money. I have a relatively good job and can just afford to buy him out of the house and keep going on my own, but £650 a month extra would certainly make things a lot easier. I wouldn’t expect ex to pay for anything else, nursery, swimming etc. I’m reluctant to agree to anything less because, well, I feel we should just go on what the calculator says as that seems the fairest way of doing it.

I hate the thought of him having DS overnight. Certainly when he is older potentially I would but he is only just two and very attached to me. He doesn’t have a strong relationship with his dad because he just doesn’t spend enough time with him. He is very difficult to get to sleep and I have invested huge amount of time and effort with sleep training and I know his dad won’t follow any of his routines. I’m sure he won’t actually have him for 3 nights a week and he is just saying it as a threat to just try and get me to agree to pay less. But is it worth that risk?

Also if anyone has any experience with getting payment enforced I’d be very interested to hear how it works in case we end up down that route.

So AIBU to make him pay the full £650?

Well you are not being unreasonable but it sounds like he isn't going to take this well at all.

I assume if you are working then Ds is in childcare? Presumably this will cost a lot? Probably more then 1300 a month for full time childcare? In which case even his full contribution will only cover that.

Tbh I would agree to the three days but make it clear this needs to be weekdays too he cant just have the cheap, easy days on the weekends. He will quickly think better of this arrangement if he realises he will need to do drop off/pick ups and pay for his nursery days.

I can't see this actually happening anyway if he is too afraid to feed his own child and can't pull his weight in a relationship.

When you consider CMS takes 12.5% of their monthly pay, he can certainly afford the full entitlement. If he can't then he needs to manage the rest of his life better. My ex pulled this one when I first put in for CMS. Not my problem and it's not yours either

I'd call his bluff and agree to the three days.

He'll soon change his tune when he discovers what hard work it is.

Then he'll be glad to pay the £650.

BTW does he even know how much childcare costs?

Use a decent solicitor, make sure u write in maintenance for uni years including gap years and masters, or when they go to uni, it’ll b up to u to make up the shortfall.

My ex exploded when he received his calculation, because his argument was that it doesn't cost that much to raise half a child. He even put in a formal complaint to CMS asking them to change their calculation procedure.

Honestly, they have no idea. Put a claim in, after the divorce if easier.

Go through the process formally, it's worth doing it now rather than down the line when he decides he doesn't want to be amicable and pay anything anymore, so yes to the full amount he owes. I honestly doubt he'll bother upping contact, but he will use it to try and scare you off from applying formally for maintenance.

When are you buying him out?

That should be the main priority and once you have everything finalised, they address the maintenance.

Get what you need first.

Remember: if you only come to a private arrangement for child support and your ex fails to make payments you have no recourse to get that money from him. As such you need to consider using the Child Maintenance Service - and also getting advice from a solicitor. Remember: this is YOUR CHILD's money, not yours - so you need to be making sure your child has what both parents are obligated to provide. The online calculators are an estimate only, and they are pretty basic - so the reality may be that the figure is actually different. If he's already being difficult about providing £650 a month to care for the child (which really isn't much at all! You're doing all the work, and feeding/clothing/entertaining etc etc etc) then you may well find that things get more fractious in future. If he doesn't like the CMS expectations regarding child support payments that really is too bad: he should have thought about that before he decided to have a child that from the sounds of it he isn't particularly interested in parenting in any meaningful way.

Please PLEASE get a solicitor to help you make sure you are getting what your child is entitled to - and in such a way that you have recourse to enforce whatever agreement you both come up with should the ex decide to start getting snippy, or start hanging out with people who try to convince him he shouldn't be paying as much to his child.

As for the threat that he will, instead, have the baby half time then, frankly, so be it. If you are truly concerned that he will harm the child then apply for full physical custody with visitation.

It's not nice to have to use lawyers and litigate this stuff but your child is entitled to that money and support and given he's being a bit of a drip it seems that, alas, you're going to have to be the one to try to make sure your child gets that support.

Currently he is paying the mortgage. How much is that compared to cMS? Legally he only has to pay minimum child support. Nothing else on top. Although he is unlikely to default the mortgage it is possible he stops paying it

If cms say he should pay £650 then that’s what he should pay, if he won’t then just go through cms then he’ll have no choice.
I do think YABU though to say your son can’t stay with him because he’s clingy to you, he’s not a good sleeper, it’ll effect routines or because you just don’t want him to…. He is his dad so he should be able to have him overnight. He might be pretty useless but he will have to get used to doing the stuff

What a lot of these dads don’t see are the hidden costs and that’s what their maintenance is also going towards. You have to have a house of at least two bedrooms because DS lives with you. Therefore the council tax will be higher. Parents are likely to put the heating on more for their kids, rather than just put a jumper on. The washing machine will probably be on more as well meaning more electricity/water/washing pods. I’m sure you get the picture.

The £650 is a contribution towards that, not just things you can see like new shoes and toys 🤷‍♀️

I’ll be buying him out around October when the divorce is finalised. He pays nothing towards the house or any bills now and hasn’t done since March. The only things he pays for is half of nursery. I work 4 long days so am off one day and family has him one day so 3 days in nursery at the moment which whilst still expensive, is only about £550 with the free hours.

And very fair comment that it would be unreasonable to not let him have him overnight. I wouldn’t stop it happening now if he wanted to do it for non monetary reasons, I’d just find it quite difficult!

Thank you for all the advice and comments. I know doing it through solicitors/CMS will get his back up, but I have to keep reminding myself that I don’t have to try and appease him anymore for an easy life!

Why on earth do these men think having them half the time will make it cheaper? That’s a false logic, surely? If it costs £650 to raise half a child, then he will only be paying it out in other ways and not paying it to you