Stuck on holiday

[Stuckonholidayagain]

We’re presently on our family holiday, which is in the Austrian Alps. Husband and teenage son wanted to come. However whilst booking I suggested I stay behind due to chronic illness. I had major neck/chest surgery 18 months ago and have ended up with some nerve damage. This affects my voice & makes breathing harder into my right lung. Also been diagnosed with hEDS/POTS which Dr thinks has sadly been aggravated by the surgery. I get fatigue, low BP, HR spiking on standing and pretty severe joint/nerve/muscle pain amongst other things.

At home I’m lucky enough to have the ability to pace which really keeps me on an even keel as best I can, breathing is not too bad as long as I’m on the flat. I get good days and bad, and have special pillows and things to help. However we’ve come on this holiday and they are pressurising me to go on long walks, many uphill, and there’s not much else to do here tbh. I can only do small flat walks. Today I’m stuck in the holiday home alone as they’ve gone mountain hiking. Yesterday we did a shorter walk (but partly uphill) and today I feel awful.

Husband just seems totally in denial I’m not up to this anymore, I use to be a very keen walker and I’m really angry at myself for not standing my ground and staying home. Problem is they both made me feel so guilty about not coming. Not sure posting here will help, but it’s really getting me down that because I don’t look ill, husband thinks I’m just a little under the weather. I’ve tried explaining for me, life has now changed as the nerve damage is permanent and we need to adapt but it goes in one ear and then out the other. I’m quite happy for them to do things like this alone and not sure why they feel I should come too. Sorry for the rant, just frustrated and feeling cross at myself for coming & wishing I was home! 😣

That is incredibly dense and hurtful of them not to take your health into account and either planning outings accordingly or leaving you to rest. I’d be having VERY firm discussions with them both immediately.

Sorry that you’re having to go through this. I developed similar issues a few years ago and it’s had a huge impact on my life so I completely sympathise at both the impact on you and the lack of understanding from your family.

You have to stick to your guns and only do what you feel capable of. No more uphill! Stick to short and flat. To be honest, if family or friends (or in my case, my employer) are pestering you to do more, I’d have a foot stamping hissy fit about “what part of me having a disability do you not understand?!” But I may not be the best example to follow.

I just wanted to show some solidarity and send you a big hug.

Husband sounds thick, but has your GP given you medications? Betablockers, painkillers?

Is there no way for you ro travel home early?

How many days left, OP? You should not allow DH to brow beat you to do stuff you don't want or can't do.

My Dd has POTS and a once super fit and sporty teenager became a person who could not stand in the shower to wash her hair. I am so sorry you are also in this situation.
dd doesn’t look I’ll and I often have to remind myself that there are so many things she can’t manage anymore. But this is my issue and I need to be aware and support her. I’m sorry that your dh is not being supportive.
edited typo

Where abouts are you? I would get them to drop you off at a local thermal spa on route to hike.

The thermal spas are really relaxing. You can lay about on deck chairs and sun beds indoors and read, grab coffee and lunch in cafes in dressing gown and swim/ float about in jacuzzi or use the Saunas. They are about £25/30 for a whole days entry.

You need to talk to them both together and get them to understand that your life has changed, and that they need to accept your limitations.

It is pretty heartless of them to be pressuring you or making you feel bad, about things that you can't do.

Next time, they should go on their trip on their own

I think in these situations, you have to advocate for yourself. I’ve learnt this the hard way. Unfortunately, you can’t rely on other people, even people who love you, to have your best interests at heart.
Many of us don’t like saying we’re not up to this or can’t do that, we want to soldier on and not complain.
I have realised my husband doesn’t remember or take in to account any of my own pain/illness etc. if it doesn’t directly affect him. I had an incredibly difficult pregnancy, with pelvic girdle pain, and ongoing health problems, but I guess I just didn’t complain about it much, because I was just so grateful to be pregnant and that the baby was OK. My husband claimed he had no idea it was that bad when I was flabbergasted he suggested having a second a baby. When he has pain or illness, I know alllllll about it. So now I tell him on repeat if I want him to know about it.

I was going to make exactly the same suggestion re thermal spas. Or, depending where you are, could you get a cable car up the mountain while they walk, meet them for lunch?

Not sure that'll help with breathing

OP - it's hard but stand your ground

And when home, make him read about everything you're going through

Sadly I can’t have beta blockers due to very low blood pressure, I’m usually just below the normal range. I tried naproxen but had a bad reaction, plus something else I can’t remember. Generally use ibuprofen 12hr type ones and along with pacing cope ok at home. As soon as I overdo it, symptoms come on with a vengeance. Explained this 100 times to my husband but it’s like talking to a stuffed rubber glove! 🙄

If DH was walking in the Alps, unless we stuck to wide tourist trails he'd be on his own as well. I am perfectly physically capable of the walks but not mentally capable of getting on with heights I might fall off, nor doing any sort of climbing or scrambling or steep downhill sections. Horses for courses. DDs and I swam in lakes on holiday - DH isn't keen on that so didn't.

Try and enjoy it in whatever way you can, OP.

Yes the POTS has been a real issue. Never appreciated how these things can affect you. I was the same, very active before, think that’s why DH is having trouble realising I’m now a different person.

Incredibly ignorant of your family but also incredibly daft of you to have gone in the first place.

Your an adult, nobody can 'make' you go on holiday.

I know, that’s why I’m so cross with myself. They both said it wouldn’t be the same without me and I felt I would be letting them down. Problem is I already feel a bit of a drag by being ill all the time, so got talked into coming. I do need to be more honest and not such a people pleaser. 🙄

Your DH sounds thick not to realise you are simply not up to it anymore
An active holiday is the last thing you need, but I understand you didn’t want to let your DS down( I have CP and don’t want my DC to realise how much pain I’m in)
Have you got enough medication with you?
Depending how long you have left, I would consider flying home.
Prioritise your needs.
DH won’t.
I’m sorry you are struggling

Book into a spa OP, enjoy your holiday your way....they can do their thing and all meet for dinner

Sorry to hear about your health problems OP. My first thought is.. why pick the Alps for a holiday? Surely a week by the beach in the sunshine would have suited you better

I hear you. I've been diagnosed with a condition and one of the impacts is not being able to do all day walks, do walks that are thousands of feet high etc. We live rural. Walking us a huge part of our lives.

I hate going walking with the family as I feel the weakest link, I walk slower than them and feel I'm holding them back. I'm impatient with them and with myself which is just frustrating and miserable.

I have no answers but loads of sympathy.
And ensure future hols mean a good balance for YOU.

@Stuckonholidayagain

Whereabouts are you? I live in Austria. I could maybe help you with some suggestions so that you can enjoy the holiday.

Depending on where you are the hiking could be a bit of a nightmare because basically everything goes uphill quite significantly. Even the easier hikes could have 400 metres of ascent or descent.

Feel free to either say on here roughly where you are or pm me. You might be near a nice city or town where you could go off for the day and just stroll around at your own pace or you might be near one of the many thermal spas.

Also please DO NOT go hiking if you don't feel up to it. It can be dangerous and if you find yourself unable to complete the hike and have to get mountain rescue out that's not going to make the holiday any better... don't give into the pressure.

Yes I could kick myself for not being more forcible in saying No when they booked it. I will have to stand my ground in future. It’s just you feel such a liability when you go from fighting fit to being unwell, then there’s the complication that you look the same so family or friends don’t realise and think you’re just being dramatic.

Sadly spas aren’t an option either due to the POTS. I use to be a keen swimmer but had to stop all that. Also breathing issues due to my right vocal cord partially blocking my airways because of nerve damage. Think I just need to be more brutally honest even if I feel like a liability.

Stuck here until next Saturday, don’t think I have the energy to travel back alone. So maybe box sets on the Netflix!

I’ve never been one for a beach. I just get bored, not keen on the heat, sand etc and always done active holidays. Walking/city breaks type of thing. We did do a lovely couple of days away in a historic UK city earlier this year for 2 nights which I think is my level now. It’s just getting the family to realise if they want to do these big activity holidays abroad, I need to stay behind.

💐

Ah, I'm sorry OP. That really is shit that you can't go to a spa either.

Your breathing issues aren't going to be helped by the altitude either. Depending on where you are you could be nearly 1000 metres above sea level which is a significant difference.

If you are near Salzburg or Innsbruck can you go out to the city for the day or would that be too much?

Failing that, try to reframe it as a time out. You get to hang around the holiday home and watch stuff on netflix or read and do not a lot. You can maybe wander into the village for coffee or for lunch in a nice cafe.

And I'm sending you a PM now..