How can I be more normal?

[Geesadv]

I want to feel more at ease in social situations and be able to make small talk easily. My life is so stuck now as I rarely go out and when I do I think about everything I said and how I said it etc. e.g. went to an event on Friday it was more like a work thing I was dragged to by my sibling for her work. I knew no body but politely made small talk, there was a lady my sister introduced me to - one of her friends and we chatted and she mentioned shes been to this venue for her child’s 16th birthday and I asked her how many kids she had and then told her about my kids that I have 2. I asked her about the local schools and which one her kids go to, the conversation felt a little off at that point as she seemed like she didn’t want to chat. Is asking about the school the kids go to a faux pas? I really struggle with making small talk and thought as she mentioned her kids it was a safe topic, I told her the school my eldest currently going to and told her I’m looking at secondary options so was wondering about the schools.

what are safe topics to stay on when at these types of events?

edited for typos plus to say I always feel like a lost child at get togethers! Anyone else feel this way? I feel like everyone else can adult have adult type conversations but my brain struggles and I feel like a child. Maybe developmentally there is something wrong with me.

But you are completely normal! I bet you a (big) majority of the people at that event were looking around at all the others seemingly making effortless and interesting conversation and thinking exactly what you were thinking. (And yes, that includes looking at you!) One easy way of getting past this is to talk about the elephant "Hello. I'm rubbish at making small talk but just wanted to say your shoes/dress/hair looks amazing/you look friendly." Seriously - the people who love this type of event are few and far between.

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you! But she visibly looked uncomfortable when I asked about the school! Truthfully I would t have even remembered the name if it wasn’t the one I was thinking of sending my eldest to. I think she felt I crossed a line maybe, I don’t know. But I honestly didn’t care what school it was unless it was the one I was thinking of sending my kids to,

I think it sounds like you did excellently! You found a common topic and asked for her input, which is more than a lot of people would bother doing at a social event.
Also the event itself sounds a bit excruciating - bad enough going to your own work event, but your sister’s is just ugh.
Honestly you’re probably completely overthinking this.

@KittytheHare thank you! I just wish I was better at making conversations.

This is entirely normal. The majority of people find small talk to be awful and awkward.

the only thing that helps me is to have a “bank of questions” in my memory that I can draw on. For example
do you live near here? Have you lived there long? Do you like it?
have you had any nice holidays recently?
what do you like doing at weekends?

im sure others can make better suggestions

second key tip is to be good at ending a conversation. Better to end a conversation too early than let it drag on. So say
oh, I’ve just seen Lucy and I have to catch here, lovely meeting you
or
great to meet you, now I have to go get a drink/ food / find my child etc

and walk off purposefully.

@parietal question banks amazing idea. I wish I had posted on here before I went. But for the next one I’m prepared now.

truthfully everyone - I’m not going to be offended but was I rude and out of line asking about her kids school?

There could be a million (OK, hundreds!) reasons why she didn't want to discuss the school, none of which have anything to do with your completely normal question. But what you should be pleased about (not pleased but you know what I mean) is that you picked up on her discomfort. Lots of people might not have noticed.

Maybe it is a sensitive topic for her for some reason. Maybe she's the awkward one. Maybe you were over sensitive because you're on hyper watch out. You don't sound weird to me!

You asked a perfectly normal question, her reaction may have been a bit off for any number of personal reasons, but your question was fine!

For eg it’s totally fine to ask someone how they are, and if they recoil because they’re not ok or find the question hard for whatever reason doesn’t mean the question wasn’t ok!

No advice just solidarity

m.youtube.com/shorts/QKV2BdNY9dU

What is normal anyway?
You certainly don't sound abnormal.
Small talk is never pleasant imho.

The video is amazing! Thanks for that 😂

I just feel everyone else seems at ease. I don’t.

I would have loved to have someone like you to talk to at an event like that. The are a nightmare.

I’m also awkward in these situations- not a natural at all!

I always say “So what do you do when you’re not at parties/weddings/these work events?”

This opens up for the person to talk about themselves which I find most people are happy to do! Usually then can link other points to chat about through their response.

Avoids specific questions and what can feel like a grilling 😅

Everyone (well most people) feels that way and leaves social situations replaying everything. Only way to make it less intense is exposure therapy - chat to people more!

Sounds like you did well, most people feel the way you do if going to an event like that where they don’t know anyone. You did much better then I would have done, I have ASD and probably wouldn’t have been brave enough to even go let alone make conversation like you did.

I used to have to give talks - even more painful than small talk imho, but I practiced coping strategies, almost like acting, and apparently always seemed knowledgeable and confident (I was the former, I seemed the latter!). Keep a list in your head of interesting and not to invasive topics - it's not a way to really get to know someone, granted, but most small talk isn't about that.

I think I come off as a confident person, but I hate these events (natural introvert). I just stick with asking people about themselves but not too inquisitive. I think, like you, I maybe pay too much attention to people's body language. I also think about my own a lot. I have also truly put my foot in it and then laughed it off and just cringed like hell at home. I find myself going for walks to the toilet, round the room, outside for imaginary calls - just keeping moving, trying to find people on the periphery too and making introductions - then leaving as soon as possible! The point is, you probably wouldnt think it of me, but since having kids, I find these events really hard. I spent so much time at home with my first that I probably lost my confidence and identity a bit. Just wanted to say you are absolutely normal, and I would love to bump into you at these awful events.

No, you weren’t. At all. It’s a good safe topic but maybe she had something going on that she didn’t want to talk about. There’s no way for you to know that.

i do small talk by asking questions, people like to talk about themselves. A question bank is an excellent idea and I promise it will get easier with practice. Events like Fridays are perfect as you are unlikely to see those people again.

It may just have been because it was a work do. She might not like talking about her children too much in that company. She might see work dos as a break from domesticity.

I was persuaded to go to a friend’s work do. People were nice and friendly but there definitely felt like an unasked question hung in the air - why on earth was I there? I knew only my friend, I didn’t get any of the in jokes or references, how could I? I didn’t even work in the same industry. So I couldn’t just blend in with conversation, to be included would take a lot of explaining. That’s too much to ask of people who just want to let off steam with their colleagues.

You sound perfectly normal to me, whatever normal means in very awkward contexts. The chances are that most of those in the room will be familiar with the desire to be at home with Netflix or a good book. Or watching paint dry. Or facing down a moat full of crocodiles. . .as long as it didn't involve small talk. The only time I enjoy being a +one at my DH's work dos is when there is food and we don't have to circulate so I can have a proper conversation with the people next to and opposite me. As pps have said, from the outside, you probably looked a lot more poised than you felt.

No answers here but posting in solidarity! I find it hard to start the conversation, end it and do the bit in the middle! 😂

I used to be able to chat shit with anyone. Now, I really can't be arsed. If I'm thrust into a situation like this, I'm usually sitting on my own, glaring at people if they dare to make eye contact.

Thank you so much everyone. Every single post has made me feel a little better about myself. I’m going to keep at it and not let this one evening make me hide away for a few years again.