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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Being ghosted when you have mutual friends

15 replies

ThatNimblePeer · 17/05/2025 17:19

My (then) best friend ghosted me a few years ago. It was unbelievably painful. I thought I’d moved on and was doing better but the feelings have been cropping up again recently for some reason.

I now live in a different city, so it’s not as if we’re in a small village, but I still have mutual friends in the city where she lives who I sometimes go back to see. Was just talking to one of them and she mentioned she’d recently run into my former best friend, and asked whether I’d be seeing her next time I’m in the city. It seemed pretty clear she was asking the question to try to dig into what had happened between us - I assume former best friend must have said something that made it clear we’re no longer really in touch.

I know there are a lot of posts on mumsnet by people who have been ghosted, I’m just wondering how you handle this? I found the question really upsetting and it was also unexpected (gave a vague answer and finished the call as soon as I could). Do you just tell people ‘yeah, she ghosted me’? I felt like an idiot trying to evade the question when it was pretty obvious mutual friend knew something, but I just really didn’t want to get into it. Though in some ways it would be a relief to talk it over with someone who knows us both and say frankly how much it’s hurt me. But it also feels humiliating to do that. How would you handle it? How have you handled it?

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 17/05/2025 17:25

"Hey, ThatNimblePeer, are you seeing X while you're in town."
" No. Any good new restaurants? Really fancy Thai..."

Mary46 · 17/05/2025 17:30

I be honest we not in touch. If she probes say we leave it at that. Change topic.

MyCyanReader · 17/05/2025 17:34

It wouldn't bother me. I would have just said "yeah, we used to be good friends, but I think I must have done something to piss her off as she started ghosting me! No idea what I did wrong though!". Then just laugh it off...

KrisAkabusi · 17/05/2025 17:59

"No, I haven't seen her in years."

I don't know why you're giving this any thought, never mind getting upset by it.

sonicspeedtyper · 17/05/2025 18:02

Maybe she was broaching the subject so she could tell you what she’d heard and maybe get your side?

ColdTofuSandwich · 17/05/2025 18:07

This happened to me and I was really honest. Said I’d thought we were good friends but she obviously didn’t as she ghosted me. Said with a laugh rather than a frown, and carried on the convo.

MarkingBad · 17/05/2025 18:09

I had a good friend who ghosted me and she told people she was still seeing me regularly, until I bumped into one who said last weekend must have been fun ... I told them I'd not seen her in 2 years and her family member told me she'd been telling everyone I was joining her on trips etc during that time.

You can choose to say what you like, did your ghosting friend didn't contact you to see if you were up for a visit?

YellowPostIts · 17/05/2025 18:10

Yes, this has happened to me. I was honest and just said we’d stopped being friends, I didn't understand why but respected her decision.

GRex · 17/05/2025 18:18

It's interesting that you "don't know" what happened, then when it is clear a mutual friend "knew something"... you have no curiosity and find it "humiliating". So, you do have a very good idea about why your ex friend is not interested in seeing you. That isn't really ghosting, that's just a friendship break-up. Regardless of the rights and wrongs on either side, it was years ago now so it's time for you to consciously put it behind you. If someone is prying then have a prepared line ready and keep it simple "We don't keep in touch any more."

Caligirl80 · 17/05/2025 18:30

The easiest thing - assuming you are friendly with this mutual friend and would like to be good friends with them for the foreseeable future even if they remain friends with the Ghoster - is to, above all, be honest (it can be very difficult even to make stuff up to save the other person from feeling awkward - because you might well not remember what you said months down the line...and really the person you need to protect is yourself) and say that sadly sometimes friendships end for all kinds of reasons - bad and good - and that you don't particularly want to get into the details of anything but suffice it to say that Person X isn't friends or friendly with you anymore, and that you'd rather talk about something far more fun. But if the question is one of those "I hope you are okay" ones you can answer however you wish "yes, I am fine - though if you are worried about something by all means let me know and we can talk about it" or, again "friendships end sometimes...and sometimes you don't really understand why, but there's nothing to be gained by talking about something I don't really know the answer to - so let's talk about something that you and I both love...Brad Pitt's arse. Or whatever it is you both enjoy talking about lol!

The answer is different if the person ghosted you as a form of abuse - or has been talking about you and spreading rumours etc etc that have actually caused harm and are continuing to cause harm...the answer to that is a bit more tricky but at any rate: 1) If you feel unsafe or in danger call the police - immediately - always. If you aren't sure it's an emergency or not just call the non emergency line, but err on the side of asking for help;
2) If the people who are lying/spreading rumours etc are in fact causing you to be harmed (losing a job, losing business etc) and you have objective evidence of this (for example text messages between people, or someone spreading untrue gossip online etc) then you may want to get legal advice. There is nothing wrong with getting legal advice - and many lawyers will give you a 30minute freebee session in the UK...plus if you have homeowners or renters insurance you might have personal liability or other kinds of legal coverage which might include bringing a legal action to prevent defamation/libel/slander (remember, the UK has really rather strict laws on such things compared to other countries like the USA) - you can of course also go to the Citizens Advice Bureau - but be warned that while the people there are typically super nice and well meaning, they aren't necessarily lawyers.
3) If the ghosting/unpleasantness doesn't rise to the level of warranting legal action (criminal or civil) then you can still assert your boundaries and give a "hard no" to any kind of discussions or conversations that make you feel in anyway uncomfortable. If a mutual friend continues to fish for info after that then maybe the unfortunate truth is that you might need to "break up" with them - but given you know how nasty Ghosting can be the best thing to do is to explain things as calmly and as objectively as possible: you were and are hurt by what the ghosting person did...you don't want to put mutual friends in the position of having to "choose sides" so you are making it easy and just asking for space for a while, and that if they want to continue to be your friend then that's lovely, but that you would expect them to 1) not ask you about the ghosting friend and 2) not have conversations about you with the ghosting friend - and if that's at all difficult for the mutual friend to do then you'd prefer you go your separate friendly ways. Some people won't like that at all. Others will find that a massive relief - plus if they hate abuse then it'll be easy for them to say "no, I don't like being ghosted either - I got hurt that way too...how about we just say that I won't ask you about any of that or bring it up BUT just let me know if you have any worries or concerns at all please etc.

ThatNimblePeer · 17/05/2025 19:59

GRex · 17/05/2025 18:18

It's interesting that you "don't know" what happened, then when it is clear a mutual friend "knew something"... you have no curiosity and find it "humiliating". So, you do have a very good idea about why your ex friend is not interested in seeing you. That isn't really ghosting, that's just a friendship break-up. Regardless of the rights and wrongs on either side, it was years ago now so it's time for you to consciously put it behind you. If someone is prying then have a prepared line ready and keep it simple "We don't keep in touch any more."

You seem to be projecting some personal stuff here, as this isn’t an accurate summary of what I said in my post.

Thanks to PP for the replies. I agree short, simple and straightforward is probably the best way.

OP posts:
Splip · 17/05/2025 20:03

S0j0urn4r · 17/05/2025 17:25

"Hey, ThatNimblePeer, are you seeing X while you're in town."
" No. Any good new restaurants? Really fancy Thai..."

Exactly this. Don’t engage.

roseteapot · 17/05/2025 20:05

This happened to me before and I was honest about it- I simply said, "I havent seen them for about 3 years- they ghosted me, and to this day I have no idea why". I didnt slag the person off and I didnt comment any further on it but I dont see why I should have to lie about their behaviour or make up some BS story to someone else when I've literally done nothing wrong and its the truth.

If the friend who ghosted me is embarrassed that other people have found out about it then thats on them (I have since found out they ghosted a lot of people).

Endofyear · 17/05/2025 20:15

Just be honest and say, we're not in contact any more, her choice and I don't really know what happened but it's been a few years and I've moved on. Then change the subject. You've got no reason to be embarrassed or to make up excuses, people fall in and out of friendships all the time, it's just part of life.

jealy · 17/05/2025 21:58

Do you not want to know why she cut you out? I would have given my side to the mutual friend.

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