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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I hate my husband

44 replies

LTB2025 · 17/05/2025 13:52

I absolutely hate him. He’s wrecked 15 years of my life. He’s a nasty man who dismisses me, destroys my self esteem and has isolated me from all my family.

my question is how can I survive the next 2 years in this situation? I’ve set myself a time. I’ve got a new job and my kids are 9 and 5 so they are getting older. I want to be able to survive these couple of years and get on with my life. He’s not abusive physically and the kids adore him. He’s destroyed me I have out on 4 stones since all the crap began, I have no friends as I don’t want to meet people. Please help me come up with a plan

OP posts:
ohyesido · 17/05/2025 15:26

No it isn’t @Eyesopenwideawake and @Someone2025. don’t jump down my throat because you have nothing better to do.
there must have been a reason why you made a commitment to him. Reflect on that

Someone2025 · 17/05/2025 15:35

ohyesido · 17/05/2025 15:26

No it isn’t @Eyesopenwideawake and @Someone2025. don’t jump down my throat because you have nothing better to do.
there must have been a reason why you made a commitment to him. Reflect on that

There obviously were reasons why she made a commitment to him, there always are when people get married but those reasons are now irrelevant as since then she has been emotionally abused by him

Pointless question to ask unless you want her to ignore the emotional abuse and just focus on some long lost feelings from when they got married

ohyesido · 17/05/2025 15:43

I don’t think she should ignore the emotional abuse. Sorry you want to project that on me. I was just interested in the background of the OP’s relationship and what has changed.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/05/2025 15:59

@LTB2025

The best thing you can do is spend as little time in his company as you possibly can. If you can do an outside hobby or join a club (or even fake one and sit in the park), do so.

But also find reasons to be 'elsewhere' in the house; cleaning out closets, gardening, organizing the loft, walking the dog, paint the loo. Just anything that isn't where he is and that he wouldn't want to 'help' you do. Start 'small' and build up to longer lengths of time. Use 'exercising' as a reason for your new 'energy' if you haven't been one to putter about or clean.

Here is one thing though, based on what you said it appears that he's the type who enjoys tearing you down. In that case it may be harder to avoid him, he'll want to follow you round and criticize. If that's so, you'll need to work on 'emotionally divorcing' him. This is where you mentally remind yourself that his opinion means nothing, his words are meaningless, that you couldn't care less what he thinks, says, or does. Keep repeating it until it becomes your truth. Remember that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Channel that hatred into working on getting to a state of indifference. He's not worth the 'emotional coin' you're spending on hating him right now. Spend it on yourself instead building up your sense of self and belief in the good life you so deserve.

It's not easy to get to that place of indifference, but it can be done. Just keep reminding yourself that at some point you'll be out of there and into your own sweet quiet place. Visualize it. Visualize slamming the door in his nasty face, putting the phone down on him, telling him you don't give a fuck about <insert his gripe>.

As far as a 'fuck you fund', it's best if it can be kept in cash and out of the house otherwise you may have to declare it in a divorce. Do you have a trusted friend who can be your 'banker'? Also, reexamine that financial 'goal'. If you're saving for, oh say, a 3 bed detached house, would it be worth it to you to lower your expectations to a 2 bed flat if it means getting out earlier?

Also, if you haven't, you need to see a solicitor. I know you think it will be a couple of years, but educating yourself now about what divorce may mean to you can save you from 'nasty surprises' when time comes to leave. Some firms give free 30 minutes consult. But even if you have to pay, it may be the best money you've ever spent. Knowledge is power. Forewarned is forearmed.

Good luck.

FeatherDawn · 17/05/2025 16:03

LaaLaaLady · 17/05/2025 14:55

As per other post, half money will be a marital asset. Good idea to get some cash, also consider supermarket gift cards (depending on use by dates).

Also buy next sizes up in pjs/ coats/ school uniform and extra products you use.
I remember a poster on here stashing it all in a locker she rented.

MyCyanReader · 17/05/2025 16:24

LTB2025 · 17/05/2025 13:52

I absolutely hate him. He’s wrecked 15 years of my life. He’s a nasty man who dismisses me, destroys my self esteem and has isolated me from all my family.

my question is how can I survive the next 2 years in this situation? I’ve set myself a time. I’ve got a new job and my kids are 9 and 5 so they are getting older. I want to be able to survive these couple of years and get on with my life. He’s not abusive physically and the kids adore him. He’s destroyed me I have out on 4 stones since all the crap began, I have no friends as I don’t want to meet people. Please help me come up with a plan

Two years is a long time.

You can survive by NOT letting him destroy your self esteem. Stand up for yourself and your kids.

If he's isolated you from your family then just get in touch with them again. I'm sure once they know what's going on will help you.

The 4 stone you have put on his all down to you. Take control and start losing the weight, as this will also help with your self esteem.

You NEED friends. It's human nature. Join a local netball club or similar to meet some fun people.

The kids might adore him, but if he doesn't treat you nicely then I'm sure they're going to pick up on this. You don't want your kids thinking that's an OK way to treat someone!

Huhuhuhu39272 · 17/05/2025 16:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Musclewoman · 17/05/2025 16:29

ExtraOnions · 17/05/2025 13:56

Emotionally detach
Stop giving him power over who you see, how you look, and how you feel
Build bridges with family & friends

Choose a different life.

Any tips on how to emotionally detach?

Huhuhuhu39272 · 17/05/2025 16:39

Once that calm comes, you know you have let go and they can’t hurt you anymore. They’ll try to up the game any chance they get. Do NOT react. Learn how to that (very hard)…exercise helps, going for walks

Huhuhuhu39272 · 17/05/2025 16:47

You have to make them irrelevant. For whatever reason you stay, that’s all they are. Just make sure you’re not staying for love. Kill all love for them.

Huhuhuhu39272 · 17/05/2025 16:48

Ps, if it’s a narc..be prepared for them to intersperse that awful with the man you married. Ignore it. It’s fake. Maintain stoicism.

Wowwee1234 · 17/05/2025 16:52

Check how / if he is monitoring you (spyware on your phone etc)
Get a secret second phone
A run bag, saved with someone you trust
Build up secret savings (cash)

Check in with Refuge / Womens Aid - they can get you counselling while you get prepared and help you exit when time is right. They will also help you claim benefits and get housing, so you can leave immediately. It doesn't get easier or better by staying. You say he isn't physically abusive, but this might change if he thinks you are leaving or planning to leave. So keep pretending all ok.

Remember, you may think your children are oblivious - they are not. The sooner you leave, the better for them. They will cope better with a smaller house, less income, moving etc when younger AND all of those are better than watching mum bring abused. So do it for them x

Huhuhuhu39272 · 17/05/2025 16:55

As above tho, if you can leave..do it. These men aren’t salvageable. They’re very damaged

LaaLaaLady · 17/05/2025 18:27

FeatherDawn · 17/05/2025 16:03

Also buy next sizes up in pjs/ coats/ school uniform and extra products you use.
I remember a poster on here stashing it all in a locker she rented.

That's a really good idea!

SALaw · 17/05/2025 18:30

15 years of hell, not abusive and you have a 9 year old and a 5 year old?

CanelliniBeans · 17/05/2025 18:32

So use the two years to lose weight and make friends. Save. Plan. Two years will pass quickly.

BuzzyBee31 · 17/05/2025 18:32

Mauro711 · 17/05/2025 14:46

Yea, you need to get cash out every now and then and keep them somewhere super safe. I think if you get cash out from the cashier when you shop at the supermarket it just looks like you have spent the money there. It's more suspicious if you keep taking large amounts out of the atm. Maybe bring some to your parents every time you see them to safeguard them. It's not the most honest approach but if he is as bad as you say you will definitely need a few thousand when you leave so you can pay a deposit on a rental flat etc.

No it shows up on your bank statement as cash back/ a cash withdrawal

FeatherDawn · 17/05/2025 18:45

LaaLaaLady · 17/05/2025 18:27

That's a really good idea!

It was absolutely phenomenal how that poster got her ducks in row and protected herself and her DC.

JHound · 17/05/2025 18:52

I don’t know if I can share this here. It’s from Zawn Villines who I used to follow and who writes stuff I agree with from time to time.

Anyway this piece on quiet quitting when you cannot leave immediately is pretty good. Hope you can read it:

https://zawn.substack.com/p/quiet-quitting-101-how-to-emotionally

An excerpt:

  • What does quiet quitting mean to me? Some helpful goals might include:
  • I will no longer waste time arguing with my spouse.
  • I will stop meeting my spouse’s demands or needs when I can safely do so.
  • I will seek outside help rather than relying on my partner for emotional help or household support.
  • I will encourage my partner to be physically gone as much as possible.
  • I will gray rock my partner so that I do not inadvertently reward his abuse.
  • I will center and prioritize other relationships.
  • I will reclaim my right to take care of my own needs, and I will invest in resources—childcare, carpool, support from other mothers—that optimize my ability to meet those needs.
  • I will not waste time on fruitless tasks that take time away from the things I need or want to do. For example, you will no longer spend two hours fighting about household labor every week.
  • I will begin detaching from my spouse so I can become accustomed to doing everything without him.
  • I will stand up for my children to my spouse. I will physically remove them from the situation if he is unkind or abusive.
  • I will no longer allow my partner’s moods, unkindness, or neglect to upset me.
  • I will not rely on my relationship as a source of self-esteem.
  • I will not do things to help my partner save face in front of others. I will not lie about his bad treatment or buy presents for his family.
  • I will stop investigating why my partner is so cruel, and instead spend that time caring for myself.
Build your support system

You are not going to be able to quiet quit from a lonely island. No one can do everything themselves; the notion that mothers can or should is one of the most significant harms of patriarchy.
This shit is hard.
And it’s even harder when you have a partner actively undermining you. You deserve love and support. Stop seeking it from misogynistic men, and begin building your community of mothers and feminists.

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