Am I going crazy or is this abuse?

[Kands1983]

So I was with my ex husband for 14 years and married 12 of those before we split. I left as he was a notionally abusive to my boys from another relationship and very controlling. I eventually got the guts to leave. I tried co parenting for 4 years after and tried to keep the peace but he would stalk me online, touch me when I didn’t want it and try and manipulate and control my life to take him back. I was exhausted and scared at what he would do to me as I had no job as I looked after the kids. I gave up my business to look after our children and he would threaten me with divorce and solicitors every time he didn’t get his own way and although I wanted a divorce I couldn’t afford a solicitor to help fight to stay in family home or get a settlement.

eventually this new year I snapped I couldn’t cope anymore. I had lost my mam and dad in the same year and he just was horrible to me as soon as he found a new relationship even when I congratulated him and started manipulating our daughters 9 and 7. I applied for divorce and a non molestation order I needed to get my life back and I couldn’t do that with him in it. I however never stopped him seeing his kids, not once.

in the undertaking he agreed to in court he agreed to only contact me through a parenting app about contact with the children. He isn’t allowed to text, email, call, harass, pester or intimidate me or contact me about anything else.

since the undertaking I’ve tried to co parent which is hard as he is my abuser but I try. I suggested set days for contact so we both have time for our children and to limit contact with each other, as he was constantly ringing everyday and all times and my anxiety was through the roof lus it was a way to intimidate me as he would log it down if I didn’t answer. I even asked him to choose a time I have never dictated it. He gave me a time and rings days he’s not supposed to and times. Never gives me a heads up when he’s coming for the children and we almost bump into each other frequently which would breach his order. I know it’s because he doesn’t want to agree to boundaries and it’s a way of still gaining control after I took it from him. Ow he’s constantly questioning my parenting which he never had an issue with before. He definitely isn’t dad of the year but he keeps making me feel bad for letting my sister have the kids for a night or asking me questions and I’ll answer and he keeps asking them almost trying to intimidate and trip me up. I feel it’s like how dare you walk away from me and the only thing he has now is the kids and the divorce. He so mentioned the divorce in the app which he isn’t allowed to do. I feel like I can’t put a foot wrong. How dare you get a babysitter when I’m not consulted but he has strangers living with him that I don’t know I am in despair

Jesus that sounds awful. Just know that this will end. The kids will get older and you will no longer need to have contact with him. In the meantime I would pull him every time he does something he shouldn’t. Limit contact to bare minimum. You will get through this 💐

Unfortunately yes he is using the children to continue coercive control over you. I’ve been in a similar situation as have many women who have divorced abusive husbands unfortunately. It’s not an uncommon tactic and the way the family courts work means we are put in an impossible situation of having to try to coparent effectively with an abuser, which is never going to work. I would recommend that you take it back to court as it sounds like he has broken his undertaking about communicating via the parent app. And please don’t feel you have to jump to it to answer your phone every time he clicks his fingers. So what if he logs it, let him. It doesn’t demonstrate anything other than his own breaking of the undertaking he agreed to about how you’d communicate about parenting. I don’t mean to minimise how it makes you feel, I’d feel the same way but over a loooong time going through the family courts I eventually realised that the courts really do not care about every last little detail of who called who when etc. and they are just looking at the broader picture. Sending solidarity.

OP the reason you're using the app is because it saves all communication which you can use as evidence.

Don't communicate with him in any other way. Get a video doorbell and if he has a key, change the locks.

Arrange pick up and drop offs in a neutral space with other people around. You could arrange third party drop offs if possible.

Go back to court and get co parenting nailed down. In the meantime, clarify dates and times so you can prove to the court that you are being reasonable.

You can get legal advice from Rights of Women.

Is the Non mol still applicable?

He’s breaching the non mol order.

Go back to court- he’s breached the undertaking he made. The undertaking was essentially a promise to the court that he’ll behave but you didn’t get the full non-mol. I’d be pushing for the non mol to be granted so it’s then logged with police & if he breaches it you can report him to police for that & they’d take it seriously. He’s breaching it so take it back to court to show you are serious. Tell him youll only communicate on x day at x time & stick to your set times. Again showing he is ignoring it in court. Don’t put up with it

But if he must use the app how come he has your phone number?

Right I am guessing you are not in the UK OP but assuming you have similar to a CAO where you are you need the legal definitions of when contacts happens, how drops happen etc too. You need to ensure also that you can take the DC on holiday without his permission etc. This needs to be so tight he has absolutely no control over you.

In the meantime look up Grey Rock. You need to become boring to him.