To feel really alone and unable to make friends

[Aaabbbcc]

I’ve always struggled to make and maintain friends. I had a few growing up but drifted as I moved away. I always thought having kids would make it easier and in some sense it definitely has eased my loneliness. Problem is it’s not enough. Today for example I was supposed to meet a mum I consider a friend whose both kids are in my kids classes (primary year 1 and year 5). I invited her to the park and we were supposed to meet straight after pick up. My kids were really excited as we rarely have play dates. I made sandwiches for all 4 kids and got cold coffees for us mums but at pick up couldn’t see her. Made our way to the park and she messaged me to say she has bad period pains and can’t make it! I obviously was polite and told her hope she feels better. I know I sound dramatic but when I got home I was really upset.

I just fe so incredibly lonely. It’s not easy for me to maintain friendships. I just feel fed up. Any advice?

Just to add this is not the first time she has cancelled on me. For past few times she has done this.

An incrrasimg number of people are flaky and thoughtless. Ni regard for others' feelings. She at the least could've messaged you earlier and said she's really sorry for the late notice but they can't make it as she's not well.

Maybe she's got social anxiety and wants to come but struggles when it comes to it? Trying to be generous...

Sorry you and your kids were disappointed.

You sound a bit overinvested in a casual friend with a history of cancelling, OP. She’s not to know you were that excited about going to the park. Friendships start off as a numbers game — spread your net widely, and a few friends may result from a lot of acquaintances. Or target more narrowly. What kind of people do you like? What appeals to you? What do you offer to potential friends?

@TaupeMember thank you. Yes that’s the annoying part that she could have messaged earlier. She’s very friendly with all the other mums and always out and about so I do t think she has social anxiety. I actually suffer from it but push myself for my kids. She doesn’t even say hello until I say hi to her first.

@Aaabbbcc sorry you’re feeling like this. Sounds like the other mum may be a bit flakey if she’s done this more than once.
be cautious about taking a general meaning about your ability to make friends from interactions with one individual. Individual friendships can be hard and sometimes other people have a lot going on and it’s not a reflection on you.
if you want to expand your circle could you try something like a book club or even a friendship app (I think Bumble has a version for meeting friends)?
Please don’t be down on yourself.

Don't bother with her again OP she's not valuing your time x

She doesn’t even say hello until I say hi to her first.

This is your cue to look elsewhere, don’t rely on her. Never rely on one person only.

If someone flakes on you once, give them the benefit of the doubt. If someone keeps flaking on you, step back from the friendship.

Mirror other people's behaviour. If she invites you to the park, shows up and it's good fun, invite her next time.

If she barely acknowledges you until you make the effort, that's your cue to back away. She's not interested.

Can you see if there are any parent support groups in the area? Gingerbread might be a good place to start. Any voluntary work like a local food bank? Yoga class? Local walking group?

Facebook, meetup.com, Gingerbread, your local library, the supermarket notice board, local paper will all have things going on.

You need to meet a lot of people to find ones you click with. Working on the root of your anxiety is the key. I am way past the school gate years. I was very friendly with loads of the Mums at school. I’m still in touch with 2 and the kids are coming up to 25. it’s a numbers game.

Thank you all. Yes she is very flakey. I don’t have time for her now. Mirroring her energy is a good tip

You’ve just got to keep putting yourself out there OP. You can do it! It’s pretty soul destroying though. I felt like you for a long time, now I have a good handful of friends and a wider circle of acquaintances. Just keep showing up (local events, clubs etc), inviting people places, getting through the small talk stage. It’s a terrible process! But try and just be interested in people and keep it as relaxed and low-stakes (non-desperate) as possible.

Thank you all x

I knew a mum friend/neighbour who was really flakey. She would initiate meet ups and then flake out on the day. I couldn't be bothered by the third time so I just don't contact her or if she contacts me, I don't suggest meeting up.

Ah, I'm sorry OP. 💐
Good friends are hard to find, she should have let you know much earlier than last minute.
She isn't someone that is worthy of anymore effort.
I would like to meet a kind friend like you.

I’m feeling a little angry at how she’s been treating me. I feel like messaging her something like she should have let me know earlier that she couldn’t meet up. She knows Fridays are my only day off and I have a very stressful job so the fact that I spent my day off shopping for picnic stuff and I’m exhausted I would love have just gone home after pick up and rest but as I told the kids we have a play date in the park I couldn’t. I did mention I’ll bring snacks when we arranged to go park but I suppose she probably didn’t realise I made a whole picnic. tbh

I don’t think I will text her I’m just going to completely ignore her but I know she’ll get in contact with me before I do! It’s just so ridiculous. I would happily not get in contact but she will contact me as usual and try to arrange a meet up

That’s a bit juvenile, OP. Communicate, if you value the friendship, or feel it is a friendship. You say yourself that she would have had no idea you spent half your only day off shopping for a picnic, or that your children were so excited about a ‘park play date’. At both of DS’s primaries, after school park trips were an entirely casual thing, and whoever was up for it on any particular day just drifted over there without any planning. Sometimes half the class would be there, sometimes no one. She was presumably envisaging something more like that, and didn’t think dropping out last minute with period pain was. Big deal.

I wouldn’t waste any more time on this person. Also, friends are overrated. I have one friend and that’s all I need, but that’s what suits me. I don’t like parties or groups of people in general.

if you want social connection, I would suggest volunteer work in your local community.

Sorry, that should have read ‘was a big deal’. I wasn’t saying ‘Big deal’ sarcastically. I can see it was a big deal for you.

I don't know if it's the Internet or phones but I find people are so rude these days. Flaking out at the last minute or not responding to messages seems to be the norm. It doesn't happen to me but I'm older so my friends are older but it seems to happen to lots of younger people.

Making up a whole picnic for all the kids was kind, and I can see that you've gone to a lot of extra effort in doing that.

Just my thoughts, and I really hope this doesn't come across harshly -
When my two were little, there were 4 of us who used to alternate each other's houses once a week, just for coffee/juice/biscuits. The DCs played with toys, and we chatted. It was very casual.

A new mum moved to the area with DCs of a similar age. She was lovely and friendly, and we invited her to join us.
Very quickly, despite our politely saying it was unnecessary, the new mum started preparing lunches for the mums and the DCs - beautiful food aplenty!
She also started laying on structured activities for the DCs, like crafts/painting/treasure hunts etc.

It was so kind of her, but it did rather tip the vibe of the group?
People felt that they had to reciprocate the effort level, and that just hadn't been the effort prior - so it eventually fizzled out unfortunately.

Op, why not just tip up to the park with snacks and drinks for your own DC?
In this weather, there's bound to be other parents there with their children.

I found the time with small children particularly lonely. Never fit into the mum clique. If you arrange to meet her or anyone in the park you need to just go anyway. No special picnic and lower expectations. It gets easier when they can arrange their own social life.

I wouldn't initiate anything with this woman again. If you do decide to spend time with her again, don't make any special effort like the sandwiches and don't treat it as more than something casual. This is not going to be the friendship you might have hoped it could be.

I'm now in the teenage phase and I realized that I only kept one mum friend in all this time, who has since moved away, but we keep in touch a few times a year. I chatted with lots of mums over the years and did playdates and even had coffees with some when DC was young, but pretty much all of these women kept things very, very casual and ended up fading away.

That being said, I've invested in what I thought were true sister-like friends and they didn't turn out to care either in the end. I'm honestly done with it all. I think I'd rather be lonely then both lonely and hurt.

It's hard when you have small kids. I was lucky to build a strong friendship group as a single woman but since I have kids, the only new friend from nursery/ playgroup took 2 5 years to make. Prior to that I hadn't even got as far as learning anyone's name! We've bonded over similar life stories, not our dc.
There's nothing more shallow and boring than talking nappies and comparing child rearing notes.

Truthfully special interest groups including online ones are great for meeting people who become long-term friends but you need a special interest to bond over. I truly think having the ability to develop special interests is a massive help for making friends. Bonding over a common interest means that the initial period is less high pressure, maybe the other mum is running away because she feels things are too intense?

Choirs are good too.
Church is amazing for friends (at least the right church) and provides great support.

We've been very lucky with neighbours but I think that's just luck. It's the first time in my life neighbours have become friends.

Really good ideas thank you. I think I’ll just casually ask a few mums for coffee and see what happens. I know it takes time.

Maybe you could also try a class at the gym. Zumba or yoga. That could be a good way to meet new people.