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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel obliged to celebrate engagement?

26 replies

TheBlueRobin · 16/05/2025 05:40

My lovely partner proposed to me a couple weeks ago. We've been together nearly 7 years, he gets on well with my Dad and I do with his family. They were all pleased to hear the news.

My Dad was coming to visit this weekend anyway for an event and I suggested that we go for a meal to a pub in the evening to celebrate and invite DPs parents, they live 40 mins away. My Dad isn't here as often as he is two hours away. They've all met before and get on fine.

Speak to my Dad and he asks where we're going and I say it's a nice pub we've been to before. I say that DPs parents won't stay late as they're driving early to DPs sisters in the morning. His reply was 'Well to be honest people feel sort of obliged with these things don't they'.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this and feel a bit flat? I don't want loads of celebration or fuss, we just thought it might be a nice idea.

To avoid any drip feeds, no finances aren't an issue. It's a nice ish pub but no more than £15-20 a main. My Dad will regularly tell me how much he has earned and saved. I think he's more put out that he'd rather go out drinking - which we'd do afterwards anyway. He's never been one for family occasions or being family orientated.

OP posts:
Agix · 16/05/2025 05:46

He's not wrong. People do feel obliged to attend things like that when invited, even if they don't really want to. Just because you want to doesn't mean others want to. They don't have to want to.

That doesn't mean anyone else doesn't really want to - although you wouldn't know it if they don't. Because they're obliged to be polite about your celebration dinner. Your dad less so, apparently - but he's still not wrong.

materialgworl · 16/05/2025 06:05

Not what you wanted to hear but I’d agree with your dad - but that doesn’t mean he should have voiced it as it comes across as rude and insensitive.

JoshLymanSwagger · 16/05/2025 06:40

I'm not sure why he's getting his y fronts in a knot.

It's just a pub meal with you, your fiance and his parents, right? 5 people in total.

I don't understand the "obligated" part - it's just dinner in a nice pub - or the "these sort of things" - yes, dinner in a nice pub?!?

I'd relieve him of his "obligation" and go out without him. 🍺🥧

CopperWhite · 16/05/2025 07:16

He’s right though. He’d probably rather not have dinner with your in-laws because he’s there to visit you not them, but he will do it out of obligation.

YoungSoak · 16/05/2025 07:20

I agree with your dad but I’m an introvert and I would find the idea of a meal
with in-laws and probably polite forced conversation painful, especially if there’s a wedding in the pipeline and more of that type of thing to come

DappledThings · 16/05/2025 07:23

It sound like he was talking about your future in-laws rather than himself and related to them making the effort to go out for the evening and then get up early and drive to other family. They might not particularly want to do a late night and early morning but feel obliged to.

Wouldn't worry about it though, they sound happy to.

SilverButton · 16/05/2025 07:23

He sounds like a bit of a fun sponge. Congratulations on your engagement OP and enjoy your night out!

DancingHippos · 16/05/2025 07:25

Your dad's making it about himself, about what he wants/ doesn't want. It's a tad selfish really, as you just want a nice celebration of an important occasion. He will probably be fine once there.

brettsalanger · 16/05/2025 07:26

I feel a bit sorry for your dad.
he’s coming to visit you which he doesn’t get to do regularly and it’s turned into a meal with your in laws.

SometimesMaybe · 16/05/2025 07:28

YANBU Asking a dad to celebrate for a couple of hours his daughters engagement is really the very lowest bar for a parent to meet.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/05/2025 07:33

People may feel an obligation towards a person who they love and care for, it doesn't mean that they won't enjoy themselves and feel happy for you, it means that its an important occasion for you and that they won't let you down.

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 16/05/2025 07:36

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/05/2025 07:33

People may feel an obligation towards a person who they love and care for, it doesn't mean that they won't enjoy themselves and feel happy for you, it means that its an important occasion for you and that they won't let you down.

That's a nice way of looking at it, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 16/05/2025 07:45

Some interesting views here. I'm under no illusion about feeling an obligation to do something, we've all felt that when invites come through.

I'm just surprised how he vocalised it. I think I just expect him to want to be excited for his only child's engagement especially as he liked my partner a lot and does know my ILs. We've all spent Christmases together etc. But he's always been a bit meh with family stuff even when my Mum was alive, so maybe I should just be realistic about what I can expect from him. He always prioritised pub time over family time growing up.

I thought the meal would be a good idea as he's already here anyway. To go to an event that I bought him tickets for Christmas. It would be a tremendous ask to get him to visit especially for one meal.

OP posts:
Floatlikeafeather2 · 16/05/2025 07:46

I agree with PP - he doesn't mean that he feels obligated, he means that he imagines your future in laws might. I'm equally sure your future in laws don't feel any such thing and it sounds like they'll be leaving when it's sensible for them to. I really don't think he meant anything at all. I think it's a case of, to paraphrase David Byrne, he opened up his mouth and words came rushing out.

Lapidarian · 16/05/2025 07:47

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/05/2025 07:33

People may feel an obligation towards a person who they love and care for, it doesn't mean that they won't enjoy themselves and feel happy for you, it means that its an important occasion for you and that they won't let you down.

Indeed. Though the OP’s DSD is a bit of a downer with the way he’s expressed it.

MaryBeardsShoes · 16/05/2025 07:47

Don’t worry OP. Most people aren’t actually as miserable as they are on MN so you’ll be getting skewed replies. Congratulations on your engagement!

Lapidarian · 16/05/2025 07:49

MaryBeardsShoes · 16/05/2025 07:47

Don’t worry OP. Most people aren’t actually as miserable as they are on MN so you’ll be getting skewed replies. Congratulations on your engagement!

Well, the Dad is that glum, apparently.

TheSandgroper · 16/05/2025 07:49

Well, yes, if your DF is any sort of a decent father, he is obliged to attend these sorts of things. Its part of the social contract that he signed up to when he agreed to being a parent and took his part in your conception.

I would be having strong words with my DF if he ever spoke to me or about me in that way except I would never have to.

Renabrook · 16/05/2025 07:50

well years ago people went from living with their parents to then be shipped off as a married couple these days if you are already shacked up and probably have kids I am not really sure if you are not the couple what there is to celebrate? the couple are not doing anything different to what they did before so sure it is special to them

NewShoesForSpring · 16/05/2025 08:00

God it never fails to surprise me what a dreary miserable outlook so many mn posters have on life!

OP i think your father was thoughtless to express that. He may feel like that but that doesn't mean everyone else does.

We love opportunities to celebrate nice news! Life is hard enough so you've got to look for the good where you can!

I hope you have a lovely meal to celebrate & congratulations on your engagement

howshouldibehave · 16/05/2025 08:02

He's never been one for family occasions or being family orientated.

In that case, I wouldn't be surprised by his response.

When's the wedding?

DappledThings · 16/05/2025 08:03

Speak to my Dad and he asks where we're going and I say it's a nice pub we've been to before. I say that DPs parents won't stay late as they're driving early to DPs sisters in the morning. His reply was 'Well to be honest people feel sort of obliged with these things don't they'.
So your dad's comment was directly related to your in-laws making a big effort to do something in the evening and have an early start in the morning. It doesn’t sound at all like he was saying he was only coming out of obligation.

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 16/05/2025 08:04

Thank you! I'm quite surprised at some of the responses here.

We've dealt with a lot the last few years, my Mum's illness and passing two years ago mainly. I'm all for leaning into the good news and nice occasions when they happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 16/05/2025 08:05

Renabrook · 16/05/2025 07:50

well years ago people went from living with their parents to then be shipped off as a married couple these days if you are already shacked up and probably have kids I am not really sure if you are not the couple what there is to celebrate? the couple are not doing anything different to what they did before so sure it is special to them

Gosh aren't you a joy. Couldn't that be said for most engagements these days? Nearly all people cohabit before they get engaged these days? Sometimes it's just about enjoying the occasion and excitement for the future.

OP posts:
ForRealThisTime · 16/05/2025 08:09

I took the comment to mean that he recognised that it’s not a particularly convenient time for your IL but these kind of events mean that people go above and beyond in a way that they normally wouldn’t.