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Original poster

Tricky friendship romantic situation - advice needed

26 replies

Trickyfriends · 16/05/2025 00:08

Hi everyone,
I'm in a bit of a delicate situation with a very dear friend, and I'm hoping for some thoughtful perspectives.

I have a friend who is truly wonderful. He’s incredibly kind, thoughtful, and consistently goes out of her way for me. In many ways, she's everything I could ask for in a supportive person, and honestly, he treats me better than any romantic partner I've had in the past. My previous relationships were often with people who lacked empathy and weren't particularly attentive, so his kindness is a real breath of fresh air in my life.

The tricky part is that he has made it clear he has romantic feelings for me, and while I cherish him as a friend, I haven't been able to develop romantic feelings in return. I have told him so but this does not seem to have sunk in properly.

I myself am really struggling with this because on paper, he’s amazing, and a part of me feels like I should be attracted if I know what’s good for me, especially given my past experiences.

Has anyone else been in a situation where a wonderful friend has romantic feelings that aren't reciprocated? I really value our friendship and don't want to hurt him, but I also know it wouldn't be fair to either of us to pretend feelings that aren't there and I’ve pressed this point to him 3 times now.

I don’t think it’s just about sex for him, he has been loosing weight rapidly and working out the last months because he wants me to find him attractive eventually. He has not said this directly but it’s pretty obvious. I feel a bit out of my depth and a bit uncomfortable maybe, out of my depth.
Any advice on the situation would be so appreciated.
Thank you for listening. ❤️

OP posts:
Toseland · 16/05/2025 00:16

Is this person a her or a him? It matters.
You have to step back and not feed the attraction, perhaps you can be closer friends in the future.

McCartneyOnTheHeath · 16/05/2025 00:20

If she/he isn't listening to you when you say you don't have feelings for them, I don't see how you can stay friends.

CalleOcho · 16/05/2025 00:23

Has your friend decided on what sex they are?

randomchap · 16/05/2025 00:23

It's not an equal relationship. They have feelings that you don't reciprocate.

Not a genuine friend, they're hanging round hoping you'll change your mind. It's not a real friendship.

Men and women can be friends, but not when one fancies the other.

Isittimeformynapyet · 16/05/2025 00:25

I agree with @randomchap

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 16/05/2025 00:38

Tell him very clearly so there's no doubt in his mind.

M777 · 16/05/2025 01:02

I was in a very similar aituwtion

i loved him but didn’t fancy him.
seeing each other after 18 months, we kissed goodbye when he finally made his move.

the chemistry appeared, which I thought would never be there.
we’ve been married over 27 years

Original poster
Trickyfriends · 16/05/2025 01:11

Something concerning happened the last time our group went out. It seems he may have led his friends to believe we are in a relationship. Later, as I socialized with various people and had some lighthearted interactions, his friends were giving me very intense looks. I got the impression they thought I was being disrespectful and ignoring him. It wasn't the kind of event where everyone sticks together; people usually mingle freely, and singles are obviously free to do their own thing. We've been out in this way several times before, and it seemed we had a clear understanding beforehand that we'd both meet new people and enjoy the evening independently. He had even agreed he would enjoy that too, he is very outgoing and socially competent. Just because we arrived together doesn't imply we needed to stay attached at the hip, and we always leave separately anyway.

What could it mean that he allows, or perhaps even encourages, others to think we are a couple, especially when he seemed perfectly fine with the arrangement and was also enjoying socializing?

Two people I was chatting with independently told me they thought my friend was ‘struggling’, how could they know that without speaking to him? They don’t know him. Whenever I saw him he was smiling and cheerful. Could he have been giving them stay away looks or might there be a number of other explanations?

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 16/05/2025 01:19

his friends were giving me very intense looks. I got the impression they thought I was being disrespectful and ignoring him.

@Trickyfriends I wonder if this was just in your head. I've never known anyone question it when actual known partners split up and mingle at social events.

TheHerboriste · 16/05/2025 01:22

Just withdraw. Clearly socializing platonically isn’t working. Take a good long break from the friendship.

He sounds a pest.

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2025 01:31

He’s not a dear friend if he’s pressuring you to have a relationship with him. Or if he has created a false narrative to others.
This is not time for social niceties or it’s not you it’s me platitudes. Tell him directly i do not want to be in a relationship with you. Keep saying it

Be firm and clear to others too, I am not in a relationship with him

Original poster
Trickyfriends · 16/05/2025 01:31

What I don’t understand is going to all this trouble like the gym and eating child size portions for someone who only wants to be a friend, when the reverse has happened to me I just removed myself, I don’t want to see someone I’m attracted to flirting with someons else. But every time I’ve discussed it with him, he has said he is not trying for a relationship at all and asked me why I was bringing it up. Is this gaslighting?

OP posts:
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 16/05/2025 01:33

Why do you keep bringing it up though?

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2025 01:37

Trickyfriends · 16/05/2025 01:31

What I don’t understand is going to all this trouble like the gym and eating child size portions for someone who only wants to be a friend, when the reverse has happened to me I just removed myself, I don’t want to see someone I’m attracted to flirting with someons else. But every time I’ve discussed it with him, he has said he is not trying for a relationship at all and asked me why I was bringing it up. Is this gaslighting?

Pointless trying guess his motives etc, you can’t control his behaviour. You can however repeatedly assert that you’re not interested in him
If he persists, keep a log of any events eg text,email,inappropriate interaction

Drop him as a friend, reduce contract, do not be alone with him
How does he react when you say you’re not interested? Sound like Is it denial & bluster? In which case, decrease seeing him.

Notsosure1 · 16/05/2025 02:05

Tell him you’re going on a date. See how he reacts. He’s a great friend bc he’s playing the long game. Men like him are convinced the women fancy them deep down, they just need to wait for them to admit it to themselves/ be convinced. I can guarantee he will not be the great emotionally competent friend if you tell him you fancy a work colleague/ had a ONS/ have started seeing someone.

He will be angry/emotional and will walk away. Men like this are so pathetic. They want to be your focus and another man on the scene, even if they don’t admit to fancying you, is enough to put a lot off bothering with a friendship.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 16/05/2025 02:10

But every time I’ve discussed it with him, he has said he is not trying for a relationship at all and asked me why I was bringing it up. Is this gaslighting?

No. Gaslighting is trying to make out that something which happened didn't happen, or happened differently.

Your friend is just disagreeing with you.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 16/05/2025 02:11

How do you know he's lost weight in order to appear more attractive to you?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 16/05/2025 02:12

I'd stop seeing him if I were you.

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2025 02:17

Notsosure1 · 16/05/2025 02:05

Tell him you’re going on a date. See how he reacts. He’s a great friend bc he’s playing the long game. Men like him are convinced the women fancy them deep down, they just need to wait for them to admit it to themselves/ be convinced. I can guarantee he will not be the great emotionally competent friend if you tell him you fancy a work colleague/ had a ONS/ have started seeing someone.

He will be angry/emotional and will walk away. Men like this are so pathetic. They want to be your focus and another man on the scene, even if they don’t admit to fancying you, is enough to put a lot off bothering with a friendship.

No,do not make up a convoluted story to set some test or gauge his reaction.Too much dramallama

Poppyseeds79 · 16/05/2025 04:35

They're a mate. You see don't want to have sex with them... Conversation sorted

Endofyear · 16/05/2025 10:22

You can't have a friendship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. It won't end well. If you're not attracted to him, that's not suddenly going to change. I think you need to cool the friendship.

BobbyBiscuits · 16/05/2025 10:27

You need to stop hanging out with him. How creepy that he's telling others you're together. Presumably you put them straight about that? He's besotted with you in an unhealthy way. He won't accept a friendship that isn't leading to romance. If you keep seeing him it's basically going to be seen as leading him on.

ItGhoul · 16/05/2025 10:29

Trickyfriends · 16/05/2025 01:31

What I don’t understand is going to all this trouble like the gym and eating child size portions for someone who only wants to be a friend, when the reverse has happened to me I just removed myself, I don’t want to see someone I’m attracted to flirting with someons else. But every time I’ve discussed it with him, he has said he is not trying for a relationship at all and asked me why I was bringing it up. Is this gaslighting?

You don’t know what his motive or thought processes are. You do, however, know full well that he wants and is hoping for something you can’t give him.

By continuing this weird friendship you are giving him false hope. You need to knock this on the head and stop seeing him.

leopardprint17 · 16/05/2025 14:14

I went through this. In the end, I had to cut back until it eventually died. I couldn't continue giving him false hope for my own selfish reasons. Its not easy though and feels desperately unfair at the time. I still sometimes wonder what if but it's not often and only lasts a minute. Good luck 💐

tripleginandtonic · 16/05/2025 14:30

Trickyfriends · 16/05/2025 01:31

What I don’t understand is going to all this trouble like the gym and eating child size portions for someone who only wants to be a friend, when the reverse has happened to me I just removed myself, I don’t want to see someone I’m attracted to flirting with someons else. But every time I’ve discussed it with him, he has said he is not trying for a relationship at all and asked me why I was bringing it up. Is this gaslighting?

You like to think you have him dangling on a string don't you? Why would you assume he's losing weight for anything other than his own benefit? I bet if he did get a gf you'd not approve of her and moan that he wasn't being your friend anymore