DD hurt by older cousin

[Zoono]

I need to know if I'm being a silly ftm but whilst playing in a outdoor play area ( only children in the play area) my DD and niece where throwing bark/ dirt everywhere. Told repeatedly to stop by myself and Sil. DN stopped doing it sooner but she is 8 compared to DD who is two. Eventually DN got in DDs face and told her loudly to stop. DD slightly pushed DN a couple of times. Before I could stop DD , DN grabbed DDs hand and smacked it. I never physically discipline DD so she was understandably shocked and hysterical. My main issue is DDs auntie simply said she was relieved DN didn't slap DDs face instead and that she used to smack DNs hand for similar behaviour. DN in general is very hyper and never disciplined by her mum , which other family members have witnessed. Aibu to be really hurt by DDs aunties lack of compassion to DD. For context in my own family, people would be horrified to see an older child deliberately hurt a younger one. DD has never pushed her cousin before today or tried to hurt her at all and I will tell DD off , for being pushy with other children when she occasionally tries to push them.

Also for context DN has never done this to DD before but according to sil she is rough with their pet cat and has really hurt him on the past. Sil makes lots of excuses for DNs behaviour though.

Is this your kid's first FAFO?

Teach her the magic words

"Don't start none, won't be none."

DN is 8 - I think that was a pretty moderate response on her part!

The key line here is "she used to smack DNs hand for similar behaviour," but it's also ambiguous. Did you mean that SiL smacked her child for behaviour like repeatedly throwing things - in which case her DD is just repeating what she has been taught is the right response to ongoing disobedience (the child is probably not "trying to hurt" your child, but trying to stop them)

Or did you mean she smacked her child for violent behaviour- in which case this discipline is not working, and she needs to change tactics/be more consistent/etc.

Yes but I'm not a soft touch either. I don't think she'll remember that shes just turned two! I don't think an 8 year old should respond with more force than their two year old cousin. I never hurt my younger cousins.

And she didn’t deliberately hurt her unprovoked. Though I would have personally spoken to her about being the older child and knowing that little ones need support to know how to behave and try to get her to be more gentle. That is, try and get her to self regulate a bit more.
also, these things can be avoided by parents stepping in before it gets to this point. So the responsibility also sits with you and SiL

Your kid pushed your niece more than once.

She may be two but she pushed the wrong person. She needs to learn not to do that and other kids will teach her if she keeps that up.

Explain directly to your niece that smacking is not acceptable behaviour and that she is not to do it again. She is old enough to be told this and if your SIL has an issue with this then explain to her if she believes DN is old enough to dish out punishments to a 2 year kld as she sees fit she is old enough to be told she is not to. She is simply mirroring the form of discipline her parents use on her and simply doesn't realise that many people do not use that as a form of discipline.

However in future perhaps step in earlier to stop your Dd rather than repeatedly telling her no when it is having no effect.

Sounds like this is 100% an adult issue. Firstly that she regularly hit your DN and secondly that she didn’t see a problem with your DN hitting your DD.
Your DN won’t know it’s wrong if her mum does this to her too.

I think it's a learnt behaviour but according to sil she's very rarely disciplined her daughter in that way. Im more upset with sils reaction than DNs response. No children are perfect including mine. However I was also smacked more often than DN as a child and I've never hit anybody.

It she repeatedly shoves another kid, this is what you get.

You probably should parent her more actively if she’s pushing other kids about.

So you stood and watched your 2 year old continue to throw at and then push your niece but did nothing? Why?

I do understand where people are coming from as actions do have consequences. I don't blame DN for being hurt and wanting to lash out. lt happened very quickly though and i probably need to get a grip. They are more like sisters than cousins and see each other a lot, so this scenario was probably always going to happen at some point. I just need to learn from it.

Did you not say anything to DN? I would've told her that you are DD's mummy and it is your job to tell her off. Though that wouldn't work if you let her push DN without saying anything.

No, I wasn't a given a chance to stop DD. It happened within less than 1/2 a minute.

Fuck About , Find Out
Probably a valuable life lesson learned there.

But if the adults not happy with rough justice being dished out ‘ Lord of the Flies’ style- then they must be vigilant and jump in sooner to mitigate, I guess l, no?

You need to be alongside your dd when she is playing, ready to parry and block other children with your forearms/body and to move her away/empty her hands/whatever when she is not listening/behaving undesirably. She is too little to have much impulse control and it is unfair to expect her to.

I Like what you did here…very good.
xx

Tyou should uave intervene when DN stopped but your DD didn't. Why didn't you at this point?

I realise my post last night was very much an emotional response and I could've done more to prevent the incident. It was just a shock for me and I'm usually a helicopter mum , so I've always prevented any difficult situations before. I'm clearly not perfect, just like any other mum. I could do better though

You should have physically intervened and stopped your little one throwing the bark before it escalated. If your DD pushed DN and DN retaliated by smacking her hand, both girls should have been told off.

One child is shoving, the other is hitting, and both are chucking stones around.
I would stop the whole she did this and she did that and wonder why both children weren't removed from the play area way before. Adults chatting by any chance?

As adults we understand that toddlers have a lot to learn. It’s why we remove them from situations where they are unsafe or when their behaviour is wrong.

You didn’t adult your child and left it to an eight-year old.

8 year olds don’t tend to have a great understanding of toddler development and not for nothing are 8 year-old girls referred to as the world’s police officers. They have a black & white view of right and wrong and love telling tales. The 8 year old was expecting you to make your child stop.

I can’t believe some of these responses. An 8 year old smacking a 2 year old is not ok. If an adult smacked a 2 year old, would it be ok then?? No!

2 year olds are still babies. Yes they may push occasionally. You don’t deal with that by hitting.

Mind you, I would have told the niece off. ‘Tell her no but don’t smack her’.