Ex didn't turn up to parents evening

[Mummaonherown]

I ask mumsnetters alot, my friends and family are very biased so this site helps/guides me.

I told my ex 3 weeks ago about our son's final parents evening at nursery, our son is on the ADHD waiting list and 2 years (he was 2.5 years old), SEN/specialist at nursery told me that my son had GDD, they put him at 0-18 months, I was devasted. He had a huge speech delay, and his social skills were next to none.
Well, with some hard work (blowing my own trumpet) by myself, we turned a huge corner, the SEN/specialist signed him off from needing extra help over a year old. He is now on target 48-60 months, he does not need a ECHP plan is going to mainstream primary school, the only help he needs is speech therapy but has been told it's 'minor" his interaction skills are bang on for his age group, the GDD diagnosees has been "eridicated" completely. I'm so so proud.

My useless ex has come to very parents evening with me, until he met his current partner 7 months ago. He has little to do with our son, doesn't call/pays no interest moved in with her and her 3DC 2 months back and is happy with his new "family"
I told him about the final meeting, on Sunday I told him the time and sent a text 6.00pm
His mum messaged me last night on my son's burner phone to tell me that my ex has lost his phone, but asked what time the meeting was. I didn't check the phone last night or this morning I just assumed my ex would do one of the following as he has previously done

1. Called the nursery and asked
2. Came to my work, as he has previously done at 4.30 (he lives 20 minutes away from my work, he's got a few days off at the moment)
3. Just turned up at nursery at 6.00 and met me there, it's not rocket science our son has been at this nursery for 4 years so he knows what time it closes/what time I get there for.

He done neither of the above, I got home and there was 2 messages from his mum on the burner phone asking "what time please"
I told her I left the phone at home, and mentioned the above. She read the message and ignored. But now I know I'm going to be blamed for not telling him the time for of the meeting and it being an excuse as why he didn't come.

AIBU to expect not to hand hold this man (who claims wants to be a dad) for the rest of his parenting life?
Did I do something wrong?

You didn't so anything wrong. He sounds like the kind of ex to paint you as the bad guy no matter how much of a stellar job you do so just let him crack on with his sad little life and keep on taking your amazing DS from strength to strength ❤️

Is his mum an enabler? Does she mop up after his mistakes? You don't want to deal with this. It's very poisonous and toxic.

I'm so sorry he's so disappointing. Fighting this won't help you. All you can do is look at accessing money from him to pay for his child via CMS. Please do not engage in arguing with him over this. It will hurt you so much.

Do you have formally agreed days and times he sees his child? If you can get this agreed and finalised so you don't have to communicate, this will be best. You can only change your behaviour and reactions. Nothing you do will make him change, especially if there's a new bit of skirt.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup she's a little bit of an enabler, when she wants to be. I told her I'm not blocking her but I'm not doing this anymore, I've had enough. She ignored my message.
Unfortunately my ex hasn't paid for our DC since December, pretty much when he met his new GF. He is working, and claiming UC (not declaring income) the twat gets paid straight into bank account (he's CIS bricklayer) I had no option to report to benefit fraud as this was blocking my child maintenance claim. He also recently submitted his self assessment for his tax refund, I'm hoping everything "comes on top" for him shortly.
He refused to do medation, I've set it up 3 times but he refuses to engage. I'm now saving for a court order I'll apply and I know he won't turn up to court but I've been told to do this.

He sees DS every Sunday if he can be bothered to turn up, it's 12-6 but he usually turns up at 1.30 (I log everything) he has collected from nursery since march.
No schedule for calls either, refuses to put one in place told me "he's in control not me and he will call when he wants, if not a good time then don't answer"

I'm drained by it all, but after tonight I'm done.
Just very sad that he didn't see the final report and the progress our son has made. There was a time I was looking at the SN schools in our area and potentially holding him back at nursery for another 6 months, delaying primary school. But there's no need, he's on point school ready.
My ex missed out on this. I just feel very sad and guilty for my son.
Thank you x

So so sad for you. They often will do this. I'm so sorry to say.

Forget the calls. Kids don't want to do phone calls. If there are SEN needs, he isn't going to want to do this really. I know why you're doing it, I did the same. Just drop that stress.

Don't give up on the CMS claim. He will be paying tax and he'll be liable to pay something.

Try avoid all communication with his mummy. You don't need this crap. Try gather all the support you can outside of him. He won't engage in mediation. You can't force him. All you can do is compel him , through the CMS, to pay up.

It's not your fault OP.
Even if he has a rubbish dad, so what? He has a blooming fantastic mum!! That trumps his 'dad' any day.

Just keep doing what your doing and putting your DS first.

Well done to your DS and you too. I bet he will flourish even more next year.

I'm sorry your ex is such a POS.
It's so draining doing everything on your own.
I spent years fighting on my own to get the support my twin DCs needed, all the while copying my ex into everything and inviting him to any and all meetings.
But, he has and never shall be interested. He's very much out of sight, out of mind, playing Disney Dad when he does make the effort to see our twins.
It's a bitter pill to swallow, but it got easier once I stopped trying to keep him in the loop.

he sounds useless POS and forget him but why have a burner phone? Email or normal phone coparenting app?

i

@fatgirlswims he refuses to use a condom parenting app, refuses to email. So that's why I got a burner phone, he drains me and he calls me rather than text.

You need to step back, you can't make him be an involved father. Share his contact details with nursery and leave it there. Amazing progress for your son, bet you are very proud.

It's fine. He has id main care giving parent turning up. Nursery don't notice these things.

Amazed by the vote

He's useless.

Well done on what you've achieved.

And amazing about your DS

He didn't turn up. That's his problem.

You don't need to care if they blame you. They'll do what they're going to do. Not your problem. They're awful and your son is better off without them.

Who's voted that op is unreasonable and why? The ex is obviously a useless piece of shit.

He's a grown up he doesn't need his hand holding to find out what's going on.

I don't really understand why you couldn't just tell them the time though.

But yes everything else is annoying and irksome. By not telling him the time when they asked you have given him the "excuse" he needs. So for that reason YABU in respect of that.

No, you have done nothing wrong. I have always told my ex of things once eg. He will get the same information I get, at the same time, so photo of letter or screen shot of email. I can count on one hand the events he has turned up to in 12 years and apparently it is my fault he forgets as I should remind him. I’m not his PA and no one reminds me and if a grown man can’t operate a calendar or reminder system in his phone it really isn’t my issue. If we still have to think for them what was the point in divorcing them?

Stop chasing him and accept you are raising your son alone. It’s shit, but it is the way it is and the sooner you realise that the sooner you can get on with doing the best for your son by yourself. I’m so sorry you’ve had the misfortune to have this useless waste of space as a co parent. You are not responsible for his relationship with your son. That’s on him. Take the legal route for any money and contact, avoid dealing with him directly as much as possible. You sound like an absolutely amazing mum to have enabled the amount of progress you have in your son.

Don’t be wedded to the idea of mainstream. I’ve worked in mainstream schools, and I’ve spent some time in a SEN school, and honestly I wish all children could have the level of attention they get in a SEN school. Him not needing an EHCP may not be the cause for celebration they’re telling you it is. EHCPs are expensive so they avoid giving them if they can possibly manage it.

Whatever the future holds, stop giving your ex so head space and control, he’s not worthy of it. You are fighting this fight alone, but you’re already doing brilliantly at it. You’ve got this.

God this would be music to my ears, look he's a dickhead, he doesn't care, he might in a few years but that shouldn't matter to you, let him go, you're doing a great job x

@Spirallingdownwards I did tell him the time, 3 weeks ago when the dates where announced, again on Sunday and he confirmed and I sent a text. He has been to every single parents evening so he knows it's always 6.00 onwards, he knows the nursery closes at 6.00 (normal days)

I didn't see the messages until after, surely if it was important to him he would have either rang the nursery or just turned up at 6 (like he has previously done)