Is my DH being AIBU to think he will grow out of it?

[Hightideattheseaside]

My 7 year old won’t engage at school, as in won’t do any work. He gets upset and frustrated extremely easily. Resists doing anything you ask of him most of the time. Multiple meltdowns a day can get a bit violent. But is also kind, funny, caring, loving has friends, plays with others nicely. Goes to hobbies.

School are working really hard with him but said he is the one that needs the most support to get through the day. I’m starting to question is there something underlying going on. School also wondering but apparently can’t get educational psychologists to come in any more. And even if you could the wait is running into 2026.

DH thinks he will grow out of it and in his words “is just lazy”. Is he BU? or am I for thinking there is more going on. But what that might be I don’t know. Apart from zero frustration tolerance and zero ability to emotionally regulate he doesn’t really have any of the symptoms of ADHD or ASD.

I really don’t know what to do. Anyone’s kid meltdown constantly at this age and grow out of it? Is he just a bit slow to emotionally regulate and will get there?

Title obviously meant to be - is my DH BU to think he will grow out of it?

Has this always been the case or is this a recent change?

It sounds like something is going on, whether that is neuro diversity or a mental health issue. Most support is through the GP to start with now, and then they will give you something for school to fill out as well. I would start there.

If the school are saying that out of the entire class he's the one that needs the most support then listen to them. Unless your dh is working with a large group of children everyday, he has no frame of reference.

The waiting list for an assessment is long. Get on the list. If your ds outgrows it before he's seen, well and good. You can then tell your dh he was right

My DD has ADHD and the psychiatrist who diagnosed her said it can, to a certain extent, be thought of as a delay in development, so she might catch up and grow out of it. That's said, adults do have ADHD, so obviously not all children outgrow their ADHD.

I've noticed that my DD is late to learn some skills - like tying shoe laces. But she is getting them later, when she's ready to learn.

So there might be something in it, if your DS has something like that. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't be diagnosed and supported. Diagnosis has really helped us.

@Hightideattheseaside sounds a little like my daughter who still has massive tantrums at age 9, digs her heels in at school, but does love her clubs (dance).

She has improved though. We have just had to find more creative ways to get her to do school work. E.g. she refuses to do handwriting and write out spellings but we found the YouSpell app so she actually likes that as it's a game of sorts.

With the writing we noticed she responds well to praise when she does actually do it. It's exhausting though.

In the nicest way possible teachers and sencos get tiny amounts of training in neurodevelopmental disorders and specific learning difficulties. They also work in a whole class environment. This simply doesn't lend itself to individual assessments and nuanced differential diagnosis. Good ones might be able to spot barn door obvious issues. It really shouldn't be on them to identify difficulties, it's not their role or training.
DC have an ADHD and dyslexia diagnosis, school were baffled when we asked them to complete the forms and certainly wouldn't have identified concerns about possibly meeting those diagnostic criteria (despite obvious signs).
In short, if you're concerned pursue a better understanding via GP/right to choose/private clinical or educational psychologists. Via the NHS these things take ages, so start now..if DC grows out of it all good- you'll be able to decline the appointments when if they materialise....

Lazy is not the same as has tantrums, meltdowns and is occasionally violent.

you do seem to have written a post that basically says apart from the obvious symptoms of adhd/autism he’s not ND. Well, my DD has adhd. Apart from her inability to emotionally regulate and her procrastination and her time blindness she’s completely normal.

I just don’t understand ND enough I guess to know what could and couldn’t be a symptom or how many you need to display to be considered ND. He sounds similar to your DD @MyCyanReader he will do school work at home if I get creative and does much better 1:1 than in groups.

We live in Wales and went to the GP who won’t lift a finger. It’s all through the school and school’s hands are tied it seems as they can’t get Ed Psych in at all. We’d have to go private.