Life after a horrible job: someone reassure me it can get better?

[SquidProCrow]

Just posting for solidarity and a bit of a pep talk. I hate my job. Hate hate hate it, its making me unwell.

I work from about 6am to past 9pm most days. The actual work is OK and I can often work remotely but my bosses undermine me on a daily basis (in pass ag, plausibly deniable ways). Cruelty and snobbery is passed off as "constructive criticism" (usually based on perceived character flaws such as your tone in answering emails or the way you've dried your hair as opposed to actual competence). Goal posts are endlessly moved. I'm constantly left unsupported on huge projects and then blamed when they go wrong. I'm always being told I need to be more "confident" and "robust" but endlessly being chipped away at has decimated my self-esteem.

I've been doing it ten years and it was fun initially and I've learned loads but I'm so over it. It drains everything from my life. I have no time to spend with my child or partner, let alone anyone else. I'm fairly well paid but not enough to justify it. And I hate the bosses but am constantly expected to suck up to them. It's not just a "switch off and go home" job, it requires a lot of emotional energy and networking. White collar services job.

Have been applying for jobs for months but keep being told I'm too senior.

I can't leave (I out-earn my partner by a factor of three to one) so there's no question of downsizing or dropping a day or a better "work/life balance" before anyone suggests this. I need to move but it's taking a long time.

Please someone reassure me that it is actually possible to find another job. I'm approaching my mid 50s, nowhere near retirement age but I'm becoming genuinely frightened that I won't be able to escape from this. It's terrifying.

I don’t have any advice as such but I just wanted to say that I read your post and it really resonated with me. I am in the same situation and it’s absolutely rubbish! Don’t give up, there is an employer out there somewhere will value you, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. I am now considering getting professional career help to move my field to something else. Would this be an option for you? Or reaching out to some recruiters?

@Mimimayhem18 thanks. I'm in touch with recruiters already. At my level it's a bit tricker than just going and saying "I'm looking for a job" because you have to pretend you're happy and successful until you're offered something IYSWIM. But I'm going to keep hammering on at it. I've also contacted a career coach who still hasn't got back to me. I just have to keep hammering on at it. It's just really dispiriting.

I started my last long term job six weeks after leaving an emotionally abusive marriage. Spent two years living with my child and parents in a slightly too small property before moving into my own place. Within 8 months my elderly dad had had a fall and broken his back in 4 places.
With no siblings supporting him and my mum fell entirely to me. He was eventually placed on the end of life pathway 10 days into the first Covid lockdown but survived another 13 months, needing all manner of personal, round the clock/on call care which only I was in a position to provide.

Throughout all this my employer:

Made my jump through hoops to access counselling
Refused my request for a paid moving day as I was moving from my parents into an empty property so 'didn't need it' and could wait until the school holidays
Refused my request for flexible working for a period of 5 weeks when my dad was in a physio rehab centre with limited, day time only visiting hours
Insisted I return to work during Covid after a period of successfully wfh, despite the fact I was otherwise shielding to protect my parents and be able to care for them
When I was signed off with stress 10 weeks after a mental health referral for suicidal ideation, they gave me the option of an unpaid sabbatical or being managed out on absence procedures.
When I eventually returned I last four weeks before I started having crippling panic attacks and handed my notice in.

When I was offered a great job 6 months later after a period of recovery time, they screwed me over by giving me a poor reference that saw the job offer rescinded.

I felt like I was unemployable and started doing some freelance work. Then an evening job came up at my old high school. I was completely up front about what had happened and they took me on anyway.

Two and half years later I am there full time, as a student welfare officer running the medical room and first aid provision and I love it so much I've started an OU degree to further my career.

It was a bloody long slog and a lot of sheer serendipity, but it can happen.

Good luck!

What sort of industry is it? Public sector by any chance?

The job market is tough at the moment so try not to get too dispirited. But if you’re being consistently told you’re too senior…is it possible the jobs you’re applying for are too junior? If you’ve been undervalued for the past ten years then it’s possible that jobs you perceive as a sideways move are actually a big step down.

This might not be the case, but why not try applying for better paid roles and see how you get on? Women are much less likely to apply for roles that are seen as a bit of a stretch…so you could be doing yourself a favour and striking a blow for equality!

Good luck

@MadamePeriwinkle that's appalling. I'm so sorry you went through this.

Thanks. It was hideous at the time but I've ended up where I'm meant to be 😁

Nope, it's private, I've always been private sector. Would rather not say too much. It's associated with financial services (but not banking or law). It's a relationship based business so you have to be on and upbeat all the time: you can't really operate if you're not.

There's a huge amount of fake niceness and pretending to get on with people. Its crucial to the job so I get it and I'm prepared to suck it up up to a point. But the boss classes use it as an excuse for character assassinations across the board. If someone is having an off day or is just a bit down or tired or something hasn't gone off absolutely perfectly it becomes an opportunity to stick the knife in, talk behind their back and accuse them to their face of not being ambitious enough or not being confident enough or whatever. Toxic positivity. I was able to tolerate this a bit more when I was younger because I was (and still am) ambitious, but I've hit a ceiling with it now. I don't get paid enough for the sort of bullshit which is expected of me and I don't want my entire life to revolve around having to pretend to like people who I don't respect or trust.

Possibly.... jobs at my level aren't usually advertised on LinkedIn etc, they're normally found through word of mouth. My industry is in a tough spot at the moment and not many people are recruiting. It's also very small and everyone knows everyone else so it's hard to job hunt without sparking gossip.