Anyone partners stopped drinking and doesn’t want to do anything

[Creek2025]

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years we used to go out on a Saturday even if it was just for food and a couple of drinks not always a hectic time.

My husband decided to stop drinking not that it was ever a problem he just got sick of a hangover and anxiety on a Sunday he still occasionally has a little drink at weddings or a big event.

Recently he just moans whenever a social event is on he doesn’t want to go he would rather stay in wants to be home at a certain time and moans if I have a drink I only drink when I go out never at home or in the week as I have a busy job.

we have to agree a time to come home and he always changes it to earlier.

Whenever we get invited to things now he just pulls his face and then tries to get out of it and says oh you want to go out again drinking.

anyone else experienced this we have a lot of friends I don’t understand why he suddenly doesn’t want to hang out with people I feel like I’m constantly on edge as he is clock watching or I just go by myself and have to make excuses why he isn’t there. He even has a go at me in front of people.

it’s just not enjoyable doing anything with him anymore unless it’s just us two.

That sounds antisocial rather than alcohol related. My friend’s husband was a serious addict (drink and drugs) and has now been clean for years. He makes sure she doesn’t miss out on anything and is still really sociable, even though I imagine it must be hard to be around people drinking. He also doesn’t judge or comment on her drinking as she isn’t the one who has a problem with it. In short, you can still go out and be sociable as a sober person.

Yes I feel like he is being really antisocial he used to be the life and soul, and he doesn’t need a drink to be fun but he just doesn’t want to socialise at all.

his drinking was never a problem as same as me would just be a Saturday night when we out with friends or we go for dinner.

i just don’t understand why he is being so awkward every time something is on.

maybe he just doesn't like it anymore? I've gone off hangout that I used to enjoy than now feel like a waste of time. I'd much rather be at home in my own space, doing exactly what I feel like with my time. It feels like maybe I should force myself sometimes. I do occasionally, but I've just out grown it

He might have been using alcohol as fuel for his social battery - now he's not drinking, his battery runs out of juice far more quickly without anything to top it up or take the edge off.

I sympathise, I am similar to your DH, although I do make myself socialise even when it's harder. I'm definitely more likely to need an early night now though!

Has he tried non alcoholic drinks..I hate going out and drinking coke, soda and lime etc but don't mind going out and having Thatchers zero, Guinness zero or a non alcoholic beer...they actually taste good.

This is exactly what I was thinking. He probably used alcohol to get through his anxiety. I used alcohol through 20s and 30s to get through social events. Now I don't drink as much I'd rather not go to a lot of stuff. I only want to go to parties and big events if the person is special to me. If it's OH's cousin's party etc I don't want to go. If it's immediate family and close friend then of course I'll be there and I'll probably have a little drink. Otherwise I'm sorry but I'm not coming. 😂
I'd try talking to him about it OP and tell him how you feel. Without criticising him or taking an accusatory tone you might find out something you weren't aware of. We can't all be extrovert party animals.

Neither of us drinks and we enjoy outings etc. I’m the more anti social one and has nothing to do with drinking / not drinking , I just prefer a quiet night in more often than not.

Maybe, now he’s sober, he’s realising how un-fun it is hanging around with people drinking. Maybe try and arrange some social activities where alcohol is not included? Or have a night with your friends where you also stay sober and see what it is like from his prospective? It is very possible to simply outgrow drinking and socialising.

This sounds really mean, but is there any chance he doesn't like the people you're seeing on nights out and that the only way he could tolerate them was to be a bit pissed?

Just because I've had this occasionally when not drinking - my tolerance for people being a bit annoying was lower

He's basically me.

I had to quit drinking over a minor health issue. I've gone form loving socialising to finding it utterly pointless. I spent a lifetime of being a party animal who regularly said I drank alcohol for the taste and didn't need to be tipsy to enjoy a social situation. Turns out I did. Turns out the social lubricant of alcohol was essential to enjoying myself. Being stone cold sober in a room full of cheerful tipsy people is depressing.

I don't have a solution for you, sorry. You're both adopting perfectly reasonable positions but they are incompatible.

YABU.

This might be far, far, FAR harder for him that you can possibly know. He might have been secretly drinking way more than you ever knew about - people with alcohol use disorder are often very sneaky about hiding the truth. Shame is a huge part of it.

I am over five years sober and my husband still maintains that I didn’t have a problem.

Sitting about with people boozing is just awful when you’re sober. Please support him - he’s trying to do a really hard thing. There are so many partners of addicts who would cut their arm off to be in your position.

Find other ways to do stuff out of the house:
Park Run and a coffee out
A walk and brunch out
A Sunday roast with friends (daytime always feels much ‘lighter’ than evenings and you can say goodbye and go home after the bill comes.
Early evening curry and tickets to see live stand-up comedy
Etc etc.

The other thing to say is a lot of people - probably most who I know - who have stopped drinking realise that they are far more introverted than they ever would have realised. People use alcohol to gee themselves up when they go out. When you don’t drink your social battery drains out very quickly.