Dad is dying

[Burntoutandsevered]

I've been off work for two weeks with stress. Previous thread gave details of that.

I've since learned that my lovely dad has stage 4 cancer. Preciously undiagnosed. It's a grim prognosis, he's been a bit cagey but we seem to be talking weeks or at most a couple of months. He's 71.

I live a long way away. I'm beside myself. GP has prescribed sleeping tablets and diazepam (for me). I'm going to see him Friday. I might never see him again after that. I have a 9 Yr old in school.

What advice do people have for talking with a loved one at the end of their life, particularly when that end is quite sudden? What do I say and what do I leave unsaid?

What can I expect of end of life cancer care?

What can I ask of work?

I'm in a tail spin, flitting from appearing to function whilst always being somewhere else in my head, to totally failing to function, crying and sleeping / failing to sleep and being snappy / absent.

I have a bag of semi rotten carrots that need rescuing. My dad hasn't sorted his will. I need to do laundry for my son's weekend and our trip, I don't know if anyone at work has sorted payroll in my absence. These are all obviously not of equal importance but my brain can't distinguish what needs my attention.

For info, my mum died 15 years ago when I was 26. My dad remarried quite quickly and she is a nice person but we're not close.

I told my Dad that I'd been lucky to have him as he'd been a wonderful father (he had).

I told him I would look after my brother (I can't).

But I think most importantly I assured him that I was going to miss him, but I would be fine and I would be happy in my life.

I remenisced about all the fun times we'd had that came to mind.

Other than that, I listened to him, as much as he was able to talk. He didn't want to die or leave his wife.

I tried to make sure he was as comfortable as possible and felt loved.

Exactly one month from being in the gym to diagnosis and death. I was ten months sober at the time and he was really proud of me. I'm still sober two years on.

Sending you love @Burntoutandsevered

That's pragmatic, thoughtful, honest advice. Thank you.

I'm really scared to be honest, but not ad scared as I know my dad is. Not of dying, but of the lead up.

Sometimes life is shit.

My Dad had a sudden cardiac arrest aged 56 while I was at work, I left there and then and didn’t return for 7 weeks; three of those were spent at his bedside in ITU signed off work with stress, and the last 4 weeks were compassionate leave as I was incapacitated with stress and grief. My boss (now a close friend) is wonderful and had been through the same a few years before, so she didn’t put any pressure on me to come back at all, and she was there on the phone whenever I needed her.

My Dad was in a coma for over a week, and then ‘conscious’ but with a severe brain injury; I just chatted away to him as if he could hear and understand me. I told him repeatedly how much I loved him, cut his hair and trimmed his beard, cut his nails and tidied his eyebrows so he looked more like himself. I asked all family and friends to choose a song that reminded them of him (he loved music and had very eclectic taste) and made a playlist for him. Might your Dad like any of those things? I know it’s different as he is still conscious.

From a professional perspective (nurse with EOL experience), the care depends on where he would like to spend his last weeks. If he’d like to be at home, district nurses and home hospice teams can visit him to ensure he is comfortable, with medication if required. He should also be provided with a package of care if he becomes unable to care for himself. He can also choose to go to the hospice if he doesn’t want to stay at home. He can also choose not to be admitted to hospital if he doesn’t want to.

Focus on things you can do right now and do them, if you are anything like me, you might feel like you need to make a mental tick-list to help you feel more in control. Bin the carrots, wash and dry one load of laundry tonight, then go to bed and speak to your GP tomorrow and ask to be signed off work as you won’t be in any fit state to be working. Payroll can be someone else’s responsibility at the moment, but it’s not for you to arrange that cover.

I know that sounds bloody bossy, but when I went through this, I needed someone else to take some of the mental load, even for stuff like throwing away unsalvageable carrots. Sending you all the love and handholds in the world, I’m so sorry this is happening ❤️‍🩹

I need someone else to take the mental load of throwing away unsalvagable carrots. DH has been good for lots of things. The carrots remain.

I think it's reassure him you'll be OK.
Ask where his will is. What your really asking is does he have a will.

Anything he wants to see or do with the tine he has, take photos

I'd be almost tempted to take your son out of school and spend as much time together as possible.

Very sad that you lied to him

When I said it, I meant that I would look after him while we were at the hospital. I arranged and paid for a bungalow room in the hospital grounds, did all his shopping and bought extra clothes for him as it was all so sudden he hadn't packed anything.

My brother had gone NC with our mum and me 17 years earlier and this was an uncomfortable reunion.

It only occurred to me after it was all over that Dad might have thought I was offering to look after B forever.

Sorry for this hijack OP.

You have a husband. You tell him to make sure the kids have clean clothes, you pack a bag and you go and spend your dads final days by his side.

He’ll figure it out. Single parents figure it out every single day. Work will figure out payroll and the carrots will find their way to the bin when DH figures out where the bin is.

And the purpose of your post?

Without knowing why the poster can't look after her DB your post is completely pointless. Besides, this post is about supporting and advising the OP in the last stages of her DFs life; something with the previous poster did.

My advice OP would be to take all opportunities you can to spend the time with him. Can your DH look after your DC and you stay with/close to your DF.

I'd also make contact with his local hospice to discuss plans. They are helpful with care within the home too. Also, take the names and contact details of those responsible for his care in case you need to make contact.